Forbidden Falls (Virgin River #9)(73)

“You have to promise something,” she said.

“Anything,” he said before he could stop himself.

“You can’t be looking at me like you want to kiss me. And I won’t look at you like I want you to. This is a little scary. I can’t afford to have anything go wrong before I get the kids.”

“Nothing will go wrong, I promise. We’re going to get this worked out. Come on,” he said, standing and pulling her up. “Because if you stay, I’m going to want to make out all night and I don’t think we can take it.” He tapped on the door to the bedroom and George opened it altogether too quickly, as if he’d been pressed up against it. Noah smirked at him. “I’m walking Ellie home, and Lucy is staying with you.”

“Fine,” George said.

“She likes to sleep on the bed,” Noah said, nodding at the dog.

Noah held Ellie’s hand as he walked her home in the dark. Even though their pace was leisurely and they didn’t talk, his mind was racing.

He cared about her so much that his chest ached. No matter how bad things got, she never gave in, so for her to cry signaled disaster and terror for her. He wanted to crush her to him and protect her and keep her safe like no one had been able to do in her life. Her grandmother had given her love and wisdom, but while she’d been devoted, she’d obviously barely kept the wolf from the door. By the time Ellie was a seventeen-year-old mother, it was she who was working to support the family.

But nothing seemed to ruin her; nothing embittered her. She was grateful for a horrible job because it allowed her to take care of her children. And she appreciated this job, though it didn’t pay her enough to live, because it was a means to an end and would get her children back to her.

She was so tough, yet so vulnerable.

It wasn’t pity that drove his desire to hold her close. It was admiration. Respect. Friendship and loyalty…and, if he was honest, undeniable lust.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” he said.

She sighed. “Another one? What now? I told the truth about the lap dances.”

“Not that. Did you date much besides Jason and the other guy—I’m sorry I just can’t remember his name right now? Like in school? Like between relationships?”

“Noah, I started going with Jason when I was fourteen—he was almost my first boyfriend ever. After Jason, I was a mother who worked two jobs—I didn’t have time to date or see guys. That’s probably what got me into trouble—a complete lack of experience. I loved Jason with my whole being, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to care about anyone again, but then I met Chip at my night job at the convenience store and he was fun. He teased Danielle and made her giggle, and he made me laugh and feel wanted. It was the first time I felt like life might turn out okay if I just went with it. After all, being with Chip was better than crying over Jason. But when I told him I was pregnant, he said, forget about it. He wasn’t ready to be a father, he didn’t want a baby. He told me to get rid of it and we’d think about that again in a few years, if things worked out for us. And right after he said that, he went to jail. I guess you know my decision. I kept Trevor and let Chip go.”

“I see,” Noah said quietly. “So—no boyfriends,” he said. “That seems impossible. Surely men noticed you.”

“All the time,” she said. “But I was too busy for men. And for the ones who didn’t understand the word no, I developed a very fast left hook.”

He chuckled at her. “Passes,” he said.

“That would be the polite term. I swear, men can be so fricking rude! Well, after Chip, I said I’d never be that stupid again. And, in my immature mind, I thought that being practical where Arnie was concerned made so much more sense than letting myself get emotionally stupid and make a big mistake. Shows you what I know.”

“Three men? In your life?” he asked.

“Technically, two. Arnie wanted me, for whatever insane reason, but as it turned out, he didn’t want to have sex with me.”

Noah stopped walking. “What?”

She turned to look at him. “It took me a long time to accept the idea of sleeping with him even if I didn’t love him. It turned out that wasn’t going to be a problem.” She shrugged. “I asked him once what that was about. I didn’t want him to change his mind, but I couldn’t figure out him wanting a wife so much, but not wanting to have sex. He said his blood pressure medicine interfered, and that it wasn’t the most important part of a relationship. Maybe he said that to be nice, maybe I just turned him off…”

“Whew,” Noah said. “That makes his possessive behavior even more twisted. I bet it wasn’t his blood pressure medicine. I bet it’s some other kind—some psychotropic medication.”

“Some what?” she asked.

“Something for a psychiatric condition. In addition to his personality disorder—like depression, bipolar disorder or whatever. The upside to that would be that he’s actually taking his meds.”

“So, you see, there really have been just two men in my life. Are you surprised? Did you think maybe I slept around a lot? Did you think that if a girl ends up as a stripper, it’s because she’s just a slut? I’m sure that’s what most people think.”

He shook his head. “That’s not why I asked. I just wondered if you’ve been mostly alone.”