Finding Perfect (Fool's Gold #3)(86)

But when she walked out of the bathroom and found him already in bed, her heart seemed to stumble a little. Although they’d shared a bed the first night they’d made love, somehow this was more intimate.

She shrugged out of her robe, then got into bed.

“Tired?” he asked.

“Exhausted.”

“Back sleeper or side sleeper?”

“Side.”

“Go ahead and get comfortable,” he said, then turned off the bedside light.

She felt self-conscious as she turned on her side, away from him. He moved up behind her, putting his arm around her. His thighs nestled the backs of her legs, his chest pressed against her spine. He wrapped his arm around her waist, holding on as if he would never let go.

“Good night,” he murmured.

“Night.”

Pia found herself getting more awake by the second. She wasn’t used to sleeping with anyone, and everything about being so close to him felt strange. And scary. She knew in her heart she could get to like this. That it wouldn’t take much for her to want him nearby all the time. And then what? Did she spend the rest of her life loving a man who wouldn’t love her back? Did she get lost in her kids’ lives so as not to notice that her marriage was only a shell of what she wanted?

His steady breathing told her that he’d fallen asleep. She wasn’t sure how long she lay there, fighting tears and a crushing sadness that told her the engagement was a mistake.

RAOUL READ THE GRANT proposal he’d received. A grad student had come up with an idea to link high school math and science programs to specific industries. The industries as a whole would underwrite the cost of the special math or science classes with the idea that most of the students would want to study that field and after college would come back to work for the sponsoring companies. The student wanted to study feasibility and approach different industries. The grant amount was modest enough.

Raoul made some notes in the margin of the proposal. He would call a couple of friends in aerospace, one of the suggested fields, and get their thoughts on the idea.

The door to the large office opened and Pia walked in.

He rose and smiled at her, pleased she’d stopped by. The last few days had been better than he could have anticipated. He liked having Pia around. They got along well. She made him laugh and always had an interesting world view.

Now, however, she looked serious and concerned.

He walked toward her. “Is everything all right?” he asked. “The babies?”

“We’re fine.” She drew in a breath. “I know why Crystal left me her embryos.”

While he hadn’t questioned the reason, he knew she’d had several concerns. “Tell me.”

“She believed in me. She knew she could trust me to care for her children, to raise them as my own. The only person who had doubts was me. I couldn’t believe in myself. I didn’t think I was capable. So I took the easy way out.”

She squared her shoulders. “I’ve moved out, Raoul. I did that this morning, after you left. Liz helped me. I’m back in my apartment.”

“I don’t understand. Why would you do that?”

Leaving him? She couldn’t. He wanted her there—maybe even needed her in his life.

Her gaze flickered, then grew steady again. She pulled the engagement ring off her left hand and held it out to him. “I’m not going to marry you.”

He stared at the ring, watching how it twinkled in the overhead lights.

She couldn’t mean it, he told himself. She needed him. They needed each other.

“We’re going to be a family. I’m helping you with the babies. What’s changed?” They’d made plans. They were going to raise the children together. Have a kid of their own. He thought it was what they both wanted.

“I appreciate the offer,” she told him. “You’re a really great guy.” She paused for a second. “But it’s not enough. I don’t want a practical solution to a difficult problem. I want what Hawk and Nicole have. I want to be in love and be loved in return. I want a passionate, loving, messy marriage, practical or not. I want it all.”

What Hawk and Nicole had came around once every thousand years, he thought bitterly. He’d tried to find it with Caro and had been shot down. She wanted it all. Meaning she wanted him baring it all for her, handing over his heart. And then what? There weren’t any promises, no guarantees.

She wanted more than he was willing to give.

Her mouth curved into a sad smile. “I can see by your face that you’re not exactly excited about my news. I’m not surprised. I was hopeful, of course.”

“We don’t need that,” he told her. “We can make it work the other way. We don’t have to be in love to be happy.”

“Too late,” she said lightly. “I already am in love with you. And I won’t be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me.”

She loved him? Impossible. Was she trying to trap him?

Even as he thought the words, he wondered if they were true. After all, he’d been the one to propose, not Pia. He’d been the one pushing for them to be a family. He wanted to be a part of the babies’ lives. She’d never come to him.

But no matter how logical it all sounded, he couldn’t believe it. Or maybe he wouldn’t. Either way, he wasn’t taking the next step. He’d already done it once. He refused to be betrayed a second time.