Fighting for Love (Second Chances #4)(76)

I glanced down at them and sighed. “Not yet, but I’m about to. I’ve put it off long enough.”

Since it was still the summer and school wasn’t in session yet, Gabriella stayed with me for the week, refusing to leave me alone. I was starting to get a complex with all the women in my life trying to protect me. Shelby must’ve rubbed off on her while she was growing up.

“Shelby texted me tonight,” I informed her.

Gabriella smiled and sat down beside me. “That’s good news, right?”

“I guess,” was all I could say.

When I told Gabriella and my mother about what happened with Shelby, they were both angry at first, but after a while my mother said she could see where Shelby believed she was looking out for me and my family. It was obvious women had a different thought process from men. Men used their brains with logic, common sense, and reasoning. Women, on the other hand, dealt with their problems based on their feelings. No matter what happened in the world it would never change.

Gabriella reached over and picked up a journal, flipping through it with her mouth gaping wide open. “Wow, there are a lot of words in there. Are you going to read them all tonight?” she asked.

Nodding, I held a journal in my hand and ran my fingers over the leather cover. “Yeah, that’s the plan.”

“All right, well then I’ll let you get to it.” She got up and headed for the door. “If you need me I’ll be watching a movie, okay?”

“Okay,” I said before she closed the door.

Looking through the journals, I turned to the first pages so I could find the entry marked the earliest. I wanted to start from the beginning even though I knew they would be the hardest to read through. Tears stained the pages on almost every single entry, but there were a few of them that really stuck out in my mind.



Nov. 3, 2004

It’s been two weeks since I lost my precious Maddy. Two weeks of living in a bubble where nothing else mattered. I honestly didn’t even care if I lived or not because all that I once had was gone and it was never coming back. Today was my first day of living without a drug-induced high in order to get through the day, and it sucked. My mother didn’t know that I saw her give Jace the bottle of Valium so he could slip a few pills into my drinks, but I did. I welcomed the numbness because it was better than living in the pain every day.

I left the guy I loved so he could have a future fulfilling his dreams, only to wind up not having one for myself. None of this would’ve happened if I’d stayed where I belonged and lived my life with Matt the way I was supposed to. Every ounce of regret weighs me down each single day, drowning me to where I can’t breathe. I cry myself to sleep every night only to wake up by the nightmares of my past. When will it get easier?



Nov. 15, 2004

I visited Maddy today. She was buried in the Grove Park Cemetery inside my family’s plot. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her how much I missed her, but my body shook so hard that I couldn’t even speak. All I did was cry and place the small bouquet of lilies on her grave. I also did something I knew would only push the knife in farther. Jace let me drive his car, and since no one recognized me in it I drove past Matt’s house so I could see him just once. With his shirt off, he was outside cutting grass, but stopped to grab the bottle of water he had waiting on the front porch step of his small, two bedroom home. From a distance, I could see he got a new tattoo on his right arm and he’d gotten bigger, more muscular. Before I knew it I was opening the door and stepping out of the car. He looked my way, but if he realized it was me I didn’t know because I didn’t stick around long enough to find out. I drove away and never looked back, leaving my heart with him.

Now that I thought about it, I remembered that day. I thought I saw her, but didn’t believe it would be her. There were so many times I thought I saw her, but then I figured it was my mind playing tricks on me. Now, I didn’t know if that was for certain. Reading through the rest of the entries, there were plenty of ones with Shelby visiting Madelyn at the grave site, but there was a set of two entries that will forever stay ingrained in my mind.



Sep. 18, 2007

Today was a good day as far as accomplishments. The story I wrote for the Berkeley journalism competition won first place in the nationals. I was offered a hefty advance if I’d agree to sign a contract and have it published, but little did anyone know that it wasn’t a work of fiction; it was the story of my life and of the heartache I still felt every single day. There was also another offer for a summer internship at a well-known magazine called Physique, in San Francisco. Things were finally looking up for me. It only took three years to get here.

The same could also be said for Matt. For the past couple of years, and against my better judgment, I’d kept tabs on him and what all he was doing in life. It just so happened that his first fight was tonight at the Sleep Train Arena. Jace came with me, cursing me the entire time because he thought I should move on with my life; except, it wasn’t that easy. I prayed Matt would find his way out in the world and he was doing it. It wasn’t exactly the way I expected him to, but when I watched him in the ring for his first fight I broke down in tears. He was amazing and strong, and when the announcer held up his hand in victory I couldn’t begin to describe the level of pride I felt in that moment. Matt came from a broken home with no money, but he got out and made something of himself. I was so proud of him.