Fever (Breathless #2)(87)

“I told him I didn’t want them. I never want them. He was trying to help me. In the past, I would have taken them. I would have done anything for them. But not now. I’m better than that. But then you came and we had that terrible argument and you reminded me that I have nothing.”

“Oh God, baby, that’s not what I meant,” he choked out. “That’s not what I meant at all.”

She went on as if she hadn’t even heard him. She seemed so lost in her thoughts that she was rambling, trying to get it all out, like ridding poison.

“And I left because it hurt too bad to stay. But then I came back, because I knew the way I left wasn’t cool. I needed to stop running. Face you. Do this logically. But there I was in the kitchen, feeling like my world had come to an end. I was cold and wanted a cup of hot chocolate and when I opened the cabinet, there was the bottle of pills staring me in the face and I knew if I just took one that I’d feel better, that I’d be better able to cope with the mess that is my life.”

“Oh God,” Jace breathed. “Baby.”

“I was this close,” she said, holding up her trembling fingers an inch apart. “I was this close to doing it. I had the pill in my mouth. I took a drink of water, fully intending to swallow it. It was right there. At the back of my throat. And then I realized what I was doing. What I almost allowed to happen.”

She choked on a sob and then bowed her head, her fingers balled into tight fists at her sides.

“But you didn’t,” Jace whispered, guessing.

“But I almost did,” she said in a voice filled with desolation. “I wanted it. I needed it. And I spit it out and washed all the pills down the sink. I can’t go back there, Jace. We have to end it now before we destroy each other. If this is what being with you does to me, I can’t do it anymore. I’m not good for you. I’m not good for me,” she finished on a whisper.

Fear seized him by the balls. He shook his head, unable to wrench the words from his closed throat. He was devastated by what she’d almost done—not because he judged her, but because she’d hurt so badly that she’d nearly done the unthinkable. What if she hadn’t stopped at one?

What little restraint she was holding to seemed to dissolve with the rain. A gut-wrenching sob tore from her throat and then she clutched herself around the middle, sinking to her knees as she rocked back and forth.

Jace followed her immediately, his arms going around her, hugging her tight against him. He kissed her soaked hair and rocked with her as the rain pelted them.

“I hate myself for that,” she sobbed. “For my weakness. For even being tempted. I hate myself for hurting you, for disappointing you. But I can’t just turn away from Jack. I don’t expect you to understand it. I’ve never explained.”

His rage at Jack, at the situation, burned through him, hot and fierce.

“Why do you risk so much to protect him? He’s an utter f**k-up, Bethany. Why do you continue to allow him to rule your entire existence?”

She pushed away from him and shot to her feet. “Because he took so much for me!” she screamed out, rain sliding down her face, mixing with her tears. “He did so much for me. Things I can never repay! You don’t understand. You could never understand all he suffered for me.”

Grief was so thick in her voice that she choked on every word. She was distraught, barely clinging to her composure, and she shivered violently in the cold.

There was something in her voice, in those yelled words, that made him go cold from the inside out. Whatever was in her past, what connected her to Jack, haunted her on a day-to-day basis. And whatever it was he had to know. It was pivotal to understanding her and why she clung so fiercely to Jack.

“Then make me understand,” he said quietly. “But we’re going to talk inside where it’s warm, after you’ve gotten into dry clothes. Then I’ll listen and you’ll explain. We’ll figure this out. Together, Bethany.”

She started to shake her head but he stood, scooping her up with him.

“I’m not taking no for an answer,” he bit out. “The hell I’m letting you walk out of my life. We’re going to sort this out and you’re going to tell me why you have such blind loyalty for f**king Jack. And by God, when it’s all done with, you’re not walking out of my life. You’re not going anywhere but to bed with me.”

Chapter thirty-one

Jace breathed a discernible sigh of relief as soon as the elevator doors shut behind him in his apartment. He’d make damn sure she didn’t get anywhere near the elevator. Not for a damn long time.

He carried her into the bathroom and after setting her down on the closed toilet, he reached in to turn on the shower. Then he immediately began to peel off the soggy clothing. His hands were shaking—not from cold—and he was powerless to make them stop. He was utterly wrecked by the magnitude of what he’d almost done. Had done.

“Jace, please, just let me go,” she said in a soft voice choked with emotion. “There’s no need to prolong this. Just let me go back to my life and you go back to yours.”

He grasped her face in his palms and stared fiercely into her eyes. “I’m not letting you go. Ever. It’s not happening. How the f**k am I supposed to get back to my life when you are my life? As if my life would mean a goddamn thing if you weren’t in it. Now we’re getting into the shower and warming up. We’re both freezing our asses off. You more than me. You’ve been out in the f**king weather for hours. I’ll be lucky if you don’t have hypothermia.”