Fever (Breathless #2)(85)

There had to be a way to fix this. Jace was the best thing in her life. The only thing that was good and untarnished. She didn’t want Jack’s problems to touch Jace. Jace didn’t deserve that. He deserved someone without the stains she carried on her soul. Somebody he could trust fully. And maybe she didn’t even blame him for the seeds of mistrust that had been planted. She wanted his trust, wanted him to have faith in her, but in reality, with all he knew of her, was it even reasonable that he’d trust her so readily?

A wave of sadness overwhelmed her. She didn’t want to be the person she’d been for so long. She wanted to be someone worthy of love and trust. She wanted someone to believe in her. She’d thought Jace could be that person. She’d been wrong.

She let herself into her apartment and went into the kitchen, intent on making some hot cocoa. When she opened the cabinet where the mugs were kept, her gaze lighted on the bottle of pills Jack had left. For the longest moment she simply stared. And then as if she were in a daze, her hand slowly reached out, her fingers curling around the plastic bottle.

She brought it down and set it on the counter in front of her. One pill. Just one. It would make things more manageable. It would transport her to a warmer, happier place. It would give her a sense of well-being. It would give her confidence and a much-needed boost so she could make decisions.

It would take her away from the awful reality she was facing. And it would get her through her impending confrontation with Jace.

Before she could think better of it, she opened the bottle with shaking hands and shook out a pill. Or should she take two? It had been a while. Forever, it seemed, since she’d taken any. One would probably knock her on her ass. Two might just knock her out. Period.

She put the second back in the pill bottle and then threw the other one into her mouth. She grabbed a glass and filled it with water, brought it to her lips and filled her mouth with enough liquid to swallow the pill. And froze.

Oh God, oh God. What was she doing?

She spit the water and the pill forcefully into the sink, gripping the edges as sobs welled from her chest. What had she almost done?

Angrily, she grabbed the bottle and dumped all the pills down the drain, running water to wash them down. Then she flung the now empty bottle across the kitchen, listening as it clattered on the floor. Then she buried her face in her hands and wept.

Oh God, she couldn’t do this. Not again. Never again.

She had to end it now. This wasn’t good for her. If this was what her relationship with Jace drove her to, she had to end it now. She couldn’t do this to herself. Not after having worked so hard for so long to clean her life up and to break her addiction.

She might not have much, but at least her life meant something now.

Without changing, she bolted for the door, knowing she had to see Jace now before she lost her courage. She had to end it, tell him she was moving from the apartment. She had to confront him and end it face-to-face.

She wouldn’t leave him to wonder her fate or what she was doing. She would go to his apartment and she’d tell him she was gone. And then she’d go back to her life. It may not be the best life, but it was one she could live with her pride and sanity intact.

Remembering she had no cash left, she went back to the drawer and pulled it all out. What was left after the cab fare she’d give back to Jace. She wouldn’t take more from him than she had to. Then, remembering Jack’s backpack still on the couch, she yanked it over her shoulder before exiting the apartment.

When she hit the lobby, the doorman looked alarmed.

“Miss Willis, where are you going? I think it would be better if you waited here.”

She ignored him and plunged back into the cold to hail a cab.

• • •

“Where is she?” Jace demanded as soon as he entered Bethany’s apartment building.

The doorman sighed. “I tried to call you again, sir. She came back. That’s when I called you the first time. But she came back down just a few minutes later. I tried to stop her. She was soaked through and she hadn’t changed from when she’d been out before. She looked upset.”

Jace closed his eyes and swore long and hard. “You have no idea where she was going?”

He glanced outside at the sheets of rain mixed with ice that pelted the sidewalks. His stomach dropped as he imagined Bethany out there. Cold. Upset. Alone.

She was probably going back to Jack. Precious f**king Jack.

God, but he’d f**ked up badly. He’d been pissed. He’d unleashed all his fear and fury on Bethany and she’d bolted. Just as he’d been afraid she’d do from the start.

“No, sir. I’m sorry, but she didn’t say anything when she left. She was carrying only a backpack.”

Jace’s blood went cold. He’d kill Jack if Bethany was hurt over this. She was probably going back to Jack, but there was no guarantee Jace would even be able to find her now. It had taken him weeks before. But now? She wouldn’t want him to find her. Before, she hadn’t known he was looking for her. Now she’d be aware that he would be. If she even thought that he cared enough to go after her. He hadn’t given her any reason to believe he would care enough to go after her. That gutted him the most.

Now she was out there on the goddamn streets, carrying a fortune in illegal drugs. People had been killed for a hell of a lot less.

He pinned the doorman with a tired stare. “If she comes back, you sit on her if you have to. You do not let her leave again. Understand?”