Existence (Existence Trilogy #1)(24)

“She can’t see or hear me. Calm down.” I looked back to my mother, who stood, smiling in the doorway. “Did you have a good time with Leif?”

“Yes, we won the game and went out with Miranda and Wyatt afterwards to the Grill. It was nice.” I said thinking of his kissing me and once again my mind went back to the incredibly sexy nonhuman male in my room, who I couldn’t seem to keep out of my head.

Mom laughed. “Nice, huh? Poor kid, he hasn’t got a clue you’re one hard nut to crack. Ah, well, that’s good for now.

One day, the right guy will come along and you’ll be so swept away, you won’t be able to see straight. Enjoy the others until then.” She kissed my cheek and headed toward her room.

As I stepped into my room, I stared down at what appeared to be a sleeping Dank. I closed my bedroom door softly, not wanting to wake him. He opened his eyes and stared up at me, smiling.

“There is no chance you would let me sleep on the bed too?”

I shook my head and laughed. “No, there isn’t.” He sighed and sat up, “I’d already guessed as much but I was hoping for a moment of pity from the ‘hard nut’.” I frowned, hating that he’d heard my mother. I really didn’t want Dank to know I wasn’t completely in love with Leif. It was better that way. I went to my closet in search of the sleeping bag I’d bought to go camping last summer.

“I don’t sleep Pagan, I was teasing you.” I turned around and frowned. “Okay, I guess that makes sense...for normal souls. They don’t have bodies but you do, then you don’t. It’s like you can just choose if you want to be human or soul. That isn’t normal, is it?” I asked, not sure exactly how any of this worked. The one thing I knew was that it did not work the way I’d always been taught. Sunday School had it all wrong.

He chuckled and sat down on the love seat beside my window. “I’m not a soul, per se. That’s all you can know.” He reached for the guitar I hadn’t noticed standing in the corner behind the chair.

“Go to sleep, Pagan. You’re safe and you need rest.” He began strumming on the guitar and I turned to my bed and pulled back the covers before slipping inside. The lights went out and I glanced over at Dank.

“No need to sleep with the lights on. I can see either way,” he explained. I nodded and forced myself to close my eyes. I wanted to ask more questions but I knew he wasn’t going to answer them tonight. The sound of the music began to soothe me. Dank’s low voice joined the guitar and I got lost in the sound and the safety of his presence...

“You weren’t meant for the ice, you weren’t made for the pain.

The world that lives inside of me was not the world you were meant to contain.

You were meant for castles and living in the sun. The cold running through me should have made you run.

Yet you stay. Holding onto me, yet you stay, reaching out a hand that I push away. The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay. When I know it’s not right for you.

The ice fills my veins and I can’t feel the pain, yet you’re there like the heat that sends me screaming in fear.

I can’t feel the warmth I need to feel the ice. I want to hold it all in and numb it till I can’t feel the knife.

Your heat threatens to melt it all and I know I can’t bear the pain if the ice melts away.

So I push you away and I scream out your name and I know I can’t need you yet you give anyway and I run wishing you would run too.

Yet you stay. Holding onto me yet you stay reaching out a hand that I push away. The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay. When I know it’s not right for you.

The blackness is my shield. I pull it closer still.

You’re the light that I hide from, the light that I hate.

You’re the light to this darkness and I can’t let you stay.

I need the dark around me like I need the ice in my veins.

The cold is my healer. The cold is my safe place. You aren’t welcome with your heat you don’t belong beside me.

I hate you yet I love, I don’t want you yet I need you.

The dark will always be my cloak and you are the threat to unveil my pain, so leave. Leave and erase the memories.

I need to face the life that’s meant for me. Don’t stay and ruin all my plans. You can’t have my soul I’m not a man. The empty vessel I dwell in is not meant to feel the heat you bring. I push you away and I push you away. Yet you stay.”

* * * *

The sound of my mother’s off-key singing and the smell of bacon woke me up. I stretched and squinted against the brightness of the late morning sun. Last night slowly came back to me and I sat up in bed and looked toward the now empty chair. I glanced around the room and realized I was alone. Had he left me? I’d trusted him to keep me safe. I got up, needing to open the door and be near my mother. Being alone wasn’t on my ‘to do’ list. I turned back and noticed his guitar stood in the corner and a small amount of comfort returned, knowing a part of him was here. However, a guitar was not him, so I rushed downstairs.

“Well, good morning, Glory,” my mother said from the stove. She put a piece of bacon on top of a paper towel-lined plate.

“Morning,” I said in a voice raspy from the deep sleep I’d been in. The clearing of a male throat startled me and I turned to see Dank sitting on the couch watching me.