Eclipse (Twilight #3)(121)

I kept my voice cool. "I know exactly what I want."

"Then it couldn't hurt to double check. Maybe you should try kissing someone else - just for comparison's sake . . . since what happened the other day doesn't count. You could kiss me, for example. I don't mind if you want to use me to experiment."

He pulled me tighter against his chest, so that my face was closer to his. He was smiling at his joke, but I wasn't taking any chances.

"Don't mess with me, Jake. I swear I won't stop him if he wants to break your jaw."

The panicky edge to my voice made him smile wider. "If you ask me to kiss you, he won't have any reason to get upset. He said that was fine."

"Don't hold your breath, Jake - no, wait, I changed my mind. Go right ahead. Just hold your breath until I ask you to kiss me."

"You're in a bad mood today."

"I wonder why?"

"Sometimes I think you like me better as a wolf."

"Sometimes I do. It probably has something to do with the way you can't talk."

He pursed his broad lips thoughtfully. "No, I don't think that's it. I think it's easier for you to be near me when I'm not human, because you don't have to pretend that you're not attracted to me."

My mouth fell open with a little popping sound. I snapped it shut at once, grinding my teeth together.

He heard that. His lips pulled tightly across his face in a triumphant smile.

I took a slow breath before I spoke. "No. I'm pretty sure it's because you can't talk."

He sighed. "Do you ever get tired of lying to yourself? You have to know how aware you are of me. Physically, I mean."

"How could anyone not be aware of you physically, Jacob?" I demanded. "You're an enormous monster who refuses to respect anyone else's personal space."

"I make you nervous. But only when I'm human. When I'm a wolf, you're more comfortable around me."

"Nervousness and irritation are not the same thing."

He stared at me for a minute, slowing to a walk, the amusement draining from his face. His eyes narrowed, turned black in the shadow of his brows. His breathing, so regular as he ran, started to accelerate. Slowly, he leaned his face closer to mine.

I stared him down, knowing exactly what he was trying to do.

"It's your face," I reminded him.

He laughed loudly and started jogging again. "I don't really want to fight with your vampire tonight - I mean, any other night, sure. But we both have a job to do tomorrow, and I wouldn't want to leave the Cullens one short."

The sudden, unexpected swell of shame distorted my expression.

"I know, I know," he responded, not understanding. "You think he could take me."

I couldn't speak. I was leaving them one short. What if someone got hurt because I was so weak? But what if I was brave and Edward . . . I couldn't even think it.

"What's the matter with you, Bella?" The joking bravado vanished from his face, revealing my Jacob underneath, like pulling a mask away. "If something I said upset you, you know I was only kidding. I didn't mean anything - hey, are you okay? Don't cry, Bella," he pled.

I tried to pull myself together. "I'm not going to cry."

"What did I say?"

"It's nothing you said. It's just, well, it's me. I did something . . . bad."

He stared at me, his eyes wide with confusion.

"Edward isn't going to fight tomorrow," I whispered the explanation. "I'm making him stay with me. I am a huge coward."

He frowned. "You think this isn't going to work? That they'll find you here? Do you know something I don't know?"

"No, no. I'm not afraid of that. I just . . . I can't let him go. If he didn't come back . . ." I shuddered, closing my eyes to escape the thought.

Jacob was quiet.

I kept whispering, my eyes shut. "If anyone gets hurt, it will always be my fault. And even if no one does . . . I was horrible. I had to be, to convince him to stay with me. He won't hold it against me, but I'll always know what I'm capable of." I felt just a tiny bit better, getting this off my chest. Even if I could only confess it to Jacob.

He snorted. My eyes opened slowly, and I was sad to see that the hard mask was back.

"I can't believe he let you talk him out of going. I wouldn't miss this for anything."

I sighed. "I know."

"That doesn't mean anything, though." He was suddenly backtracking. "That doesn't mean that he loves you more than I do."

"But you wouldn't stay with me, even if I begged."

He pursed his lips for a moment, and I wondered if he would try to deny it. We both knew the truth.

"That's only because I know you better," he said at last. "Everything's going to go without a hitch. Even if you'd asked and I'd said no, you wouldn't be mad at me afterwards."

"If everything does go without a hitch, you're probably right. I wouldn't be mad. But the whole time you're gone, I'll be sick with worry, Jake. Crazy with it."

"Why?" he asked gruffly. "Why does it matter to you if something happens to me?"