Don't Hate the Player...Hate the Game(32)

“You and me both,” I murmured. I then started for the door. Jonathan’s voice stopped me. “Hey Noah?”

I turned around. “Yeah?”

“Blowing up is pretty quick, right? I mean, you don’t think Jake felt anything on that tractor, do you?”

Anguish swam in his dark blue eyes. I didn’t know what Jake felt in that last moment—that last second. I hoped he hadn’t felt anything—that he was here one minute and gone the next. Maybe in the end it didn’t matter if you knew for sure—maybe you could just choose to believe what you wanted.

So, I shook my head at Jonathan. “No man, you heard Bubba when they said it was quick. I’m sure Jake didn’t feel a thing.”

Jonathan weighed my answer for a few seconds before nodding. “Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. Thanks, man.”

“No problem,” I replied.

On Tuesday and Wednesday, I began the task of working my way through Jake’s phone. His address book was a symbolic black book like from back in the day. I started with the girls Jake had labeled “Butter Faces”—meaning everything was hot but the chicks’ faces.

And it was a bodacious bevy of hot bods I ‘interviewed’ that week. Long legs, fabulous racks, Jennifer Lopez like asses, but none of them had a song with Jake. Well, Libby Petersen did, but it was Let’s Get Drunk and Screw, not You Were Always on My Mind.

I started to get discouraged. What if I wasn’t able to find her? Jake had dated and screwed extensively not only through Creekview, but also at some of the other high school in our county. It was almost an unending journey—one I might still be on in my old age where I finally tracked down the girl to a nursing home.

Thursday as I sat zoned out at the lunch table, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Maddie. The moment I saw her, I couldn’t help the beaming smile that spread across my face. “Hey,” I said as I hopped up from my chair.

“Hi,” she said shyly.

“I haven’t seen you around this week.”

“Yeah, I’ve been at All State Chorus competition.”

“Oh really?”

“Uh, huh.”

Maddie and I stood awkwardly at the table. I could feel the expectant gazes of the guys at my table bearing into my back. “So did you, like, uh, win?” I stammered.

“We came in third as a group, and I came in second as an individual.”

“Wow, that’s awesome,” I replied. The back of my shirt was practically peeling off from the burn from the guys gaping at me and Maddie.

Maddie must’ve sensed my awkwardness. “Well, I just wanted to say hello and see how you were doing,” she said, a slight blush creeping across her cheeks.

My heart jolted a little in my chest. Damn. She was worried about how I was doing with my grief—so much so she’d risked being embarrassed or annihilated by the A-Crowd just to check on me. She started to turn away, but I grabbed her arm. “I’ll walk you out.”

Maddie raised her eyebrows in surprise, but then she smiled. “Okay.”

Without a word to the guys, I grabbed my books and followed Maddie out of the cafeteria.

“What about you?” I asked, as we headed through the double doors. “I mean, how are you doing?”

She shrugged. “I’m okay, I guess.” Her big dark eyes widened. “Oh Noah, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t even be talking about how I feel. I had so little time with Jake, and the two of you were best friends since you were kids.” She rubbed my arm tenderly, causing the hairs on my arm to rise. “I bet you’re really lost without him,” she said.

Damn, she’d really hit the nail on the head. I hated to admit that without Jake around, I did feel lost—like I didn’t know who I was anymore. Having those type of feelings running around in my head made me feel like a total pu**y. The world I’d known had shattered around me in an instant, and now everything seemed so surreal. People went on doing exactly what they’d done before while I tip-toed through this new reality.

Once again, the dull ache in my chest radiated at the thoughts of Jake. “Yeah, I am,” I murmured.

Maddie smiled sadly at me. “I can’t even imagine how much you miss him, Noah. I wish there was something I could do—”

“No, it’s okay. Just being here and talking about him—that helps me,” I answered.

The bell rang shrilly over our heads. “Well, I guess I better go. It was good seeing you,” Maddie said.

“Yeah, same here.”

“Bye,” she said.

“Bye,” I murmured.

As she walked away, it once again hit me like a ton of bricks or a swift kick to the balls. I’d been through most of the girls in Jake’s phone and zilch. When I’d gotten to Maddie’s number, I’d skipped over it. Why? Because wasn’t she just the preacher’s goody daughter who was merely a friend and a tutor? But then I thought about what she’d said at the cemetery, and the things he’d confided in her—things he’d never told me when he was shitfaced or sober.

The more I thought about it, the more some of the pieces starting coming together. The more the pieces started coming together, the more I felt like a giant dumbass for not seeing it before. I made a mental note to rule out any form of detective work in my future since I was pretty suckasstastic at it.