Death Wish (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #5)(89)

Conflict. Always some kind of conflict. Now that I was more aware of it, I saw how embedded the battle had always been in our relationship. Arys and I had been butting heads long before we’d shared a bed. It was always in us, the inability to maintain the delicate balance of what we shared.

It would follow us always. I feared the day it would escalate from petty arguments to something that would truly put us at odds. It had happened once before, six months ago when I’d killed Arys’s sire. Things had gotten pretty bad. I couldn’t shake the sense of foreboding that gripped me, telling me it would get worse yet.

I shoved the unwelcome feeling away and focused only on the current moment. Worry about a time that had yet to come was useless, so I gave in to the lure of the mesmerizing vampire instead.

The desire to have him inside me again was fueled by his drowning blue gaze. Arys crooked a finger, beckoning me to come to him.

“I believe we were just getting started.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

“I don’t like this, Lex.” Worry filled Shaz’s jade eyes. “There’s got to be another way.”

“I don’t like it either, but I need you to do what you do best: Be Alpha and take care of our wolves.”

We stood on the deck in Kylarai’s backyard. The sun had set an hour ago. The stars were peeking out through the dark veil of the night sky. The moon spilled silver light down upon us. That beautiful light would grow in its brilliance as the night went on. I ached to run down the deck stairs to the grass below, to plunge my fingers into the earth and be one with the beast inside. Instead, I would be spending the full moon with demons.

Shaz’s jaw was clenched, and his eyes were all wolf, the green obliterating the whites entirely. “What if you need me? Have you ever gone a full moon night without being wolf? It just sounds so dangerous.”

“No, I haven’t. All I want to do right now is tear my clothes off, drop to all fours and tear across that field at top speed.” I sighed, a sound of self-pity. “Arys will be with me though. It’ll be fine.”

“Or, he’ll make it twice as hard for you because he relies on you to keep the wolf at bay.”

Shaz was skeptical and rightfully so. The power of my wolf lived in Arys due to our bond. More than once, it had exceeded his control. The wolf couldn’t manifest through a vampire into a physical form. Arys relied entirely on my shift to ease the burden of the beast that lived deep within him.

“Or, he could wolf out,” I acknowledged as my gaze strayed to the glass patio doors.

Kylarai, Coby and Zak sat around the kitchen table enjoying drinks and small talk. Ky’s laughter carried through the glass panes as she cracked up at something Coby had said. She sipped from a teacup and reached to touch his arm, peering at him from beneath her long lashes. She was flirting with him.

I smiled, turning back to Shaz so she wouldn’t see me. “It will be easier for me to deal with Lilah if I know you are here. Safe.”

“But, I won’t have the same assurance about you.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes. Instead, he stared out at the tree line in the distance.

Shaz was conflicted, torn between his obligation to me and to himself, but I didn’t want to be an obligation. I needed him, but I could survive without him if it meant seeing him discover himself and find freedom from the dark world I’d drawn him into. I could let him go if I had to. As much as the wolf inside fought and snarled against that decision, she too knew that love sometimes meant letting go.

“You don’t need to worry about me, Shaz. Put yourself first for a change. Be wolf with the others and be happy. You’re far too beautiful to go giving yourself worry lines.” I gave him a playful nudge and swallowed the sudden burst of raw emotion.

He captured my hand, raising it to his lips. Pressing a kiss to my palm, he breathed in my scent as if afraid he would forget it if he didn’t memorize it now. We stood there with nothing more to say. Kylarai’s laughter was the only sound, muffled by the closed patio doors but musical just the same.

I smiled, but it hurt to do so. I didn’t want to leave my wolves, especially Shaz. I wasn’t arrogant enough to believe everything would go off without a hitch tonight. A demon with a price on my head wasn’t going to be easy to subdue, particularly if I really was all that stood between her and the freedom from her curse.

Death held more terror for me now than it ever had before. Because of the blood bond I’d formed with Arys, I was guaranteed to rise as a vampire upon my mortal death. I had grown to fear that transformation so desperately that I’d asked Shaz and Kylarai a few weeks ago to kill me if I became little more than a bloodthirsty maniac. Arys was not aware of my request nor did I want him to be.

“I should go,” I forced the words out.

With a nod, he released my hand, hesitating just a moment before he pulled me into his arms. Tucking my head under his chin, I closed my eyes and savored the comfort of his embrace. It reminded me of a time when we had been so close that people assumed we were lovers before we’d even kissed. Things had changed, but I could still feel that connection between us, buried under the rubble of our broken romance.

When he let me go, I felt like something was missing. My wolf leaped against my insides, demanding to be freed. It was getting harder to resist.

I turned to go, my hand on the patio door.

Shaz’s voice followed me. “Be careful, Lex.”