Death Wish (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #5)(76)

I walked out of the bathroom and straight into Shaz. He was lurking in the hall outside the door, waiting for me. Arys leaned against the wall a few feet away, his arms crossed and his stance casual.

“Are we good to go?” Arys asked.

I nodded, my heart in my throat. “Yeah. It’s all good.”

Pushing away from the wall, Arys inclined his head toward Shaz, giving me a pointed look. “I’ll wait for you in the lobby.”

Jez and Brogan followed him, leaving Shaz and me alone to stare at one another awkwardly. I didn’t know what to say. I knew if I waited until I was ready for this conversation, it would never happen. I could never be ready for this.

Shaz’s jade eyes were filled with remorse and sorrow. He seemed at a loss for words, finally spitting out, “Alexa, God, I’m so sorry.”

He was. I genuinely believed him though it didn’t make this any easier.

“I accept that. And, I want to forgive you. I just…”

“I know. Trust me, I know.” He ran a hand through his hair and glanced in Arys’s direction. “I didn’t think I’d ever get over the two of you being together. I know it’s not the same situation. Not even close. Still, I know what it’s like.”

Whether he meant to or not, he threw a guilt trip at me with that one. Fair enough. I couldn’t argue that perhaps the way my relationship had developed with Arys had been wrong and unfair to Shaz.

“I know you do,” I admitted, finding it hard to swallow around the lump in my throat. “I never gave you enough credit for how well you handled everything with Arys and me. I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t.” He ran his hand through his hair again, noticed his nervous tell and stuffed both hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Don’t make this about who messed up more. I’ve had time to think about everything, do a little research. I know how important a twin flame union is. No more guilt about Arys. Ok?”

Absolute relief filled me, but had it come too late to save us?

Shaz continued. “I have no reason or excuse for what I’ve done recently. It was selfish and I’m sorry. If I could take it back, I would.”

“Thank you. For all of it. It means a lot.”

“I need to make things right between us. I hate what I’ve become. This is not what I pictured for myself when I fought Julian for Alpha. I need to get my shit together. For me and for you.” He reached out to take my hand. His palm was hot, his energy scattered. “So, I’m leaving town for a while.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. “What?”

“I’m not going anywhere until you’ve dealt with Lilah. I’m your wolf, and I’ll back you with her and with the FPA. Then I’ll go. Just until I can clean myself up. Be me again, you know?”

Shocked was one way of putting what I felt. “Where will you go?”

Reaching to stroke a hand down the side of my face, Shaz shook his head. “I don’t know yet. I think I need to be wolf for a while.”

I had longed to run away on four legs and leave the world behind, but I hadn’t done it. Now, Shaz was going to leave me, and the thought cut deep. I couldn’t be selfish; I had to let him go.

“Then you should do what you need to do.” The words didn’t come easy. I wanted to sink to my knees and stare numbly at nothing while I fell apart inside.

Every time I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did, but I had no time to fall to pieces. I had to confront my sister and whoever else would be at the FPA to greet me, so I took a deep breath and held myself together.

Shaz pulled me into his arms and pressed a kiss to my forehead. I was stiff in his embrace, afraid to sink into him the way I longed to. Would he ever feel like mine again?

“I guess we should go,” he said somberly. “Everyone is waiting.”

“You’re coming with us?”

“I told you, I’ll be at your side through this. I know part of you must hate me right now, but I love you, Lex. Nothing on this earth could ever change that.” He gave me another kiss before releasing me. His lips were warm against my temple.

I caught his hand for just a second, squeezing it affectionately. “I hopelessly adore you. Despite everything.”

“I know.” He sounded so defeated.

I owed him the same devotion and forgiveness he had shown me when I didn’t deserve it. With a steady hand but a shaky voice, I said, “We’ll be ok.”

Chapter Twenty

“This is it,” Brogan announced. “I’m sure of it.”

The cross hummed in agreement in my hands. The five of us were piled into my Charger, sitting outside the abandoned Charles Camsell Hospital in the northwest side of the city. The hospital was at the center of several ghost stories and tales of horror told by the locals, stories I had dismissed in the light of day. Now that I was sitting outside the building in the dark feeling the sinister vibe rolling off the place, I was forming a newfound respect for it.

“A scary old mental hospital?” Jez was aghast. “Oh hell no.”

“This place gives me the creeps,” Shaz murmured, his gaze fixed on the crumbling structure.

The sensation of being watched by several sets of eyes hidden within the building got my skin crawling. It had once been an aboriginal tuberculosis sanatorium with a reputation for vile acts and cruel experiments. Most of the ground floor windows were boarded up. A fence wound the perimeter of the property, but it was open in several places, hardly anything that would keep anyone out.