Darkest Before Dawn (KGI #10)(121)

“Did it ever occur to you even once to tell me what happened and allow me the luxury of deciding whether you betrayed me or not? Instead, you played judge and jury for me. You were so convinced that you had done exactly those things that you decided for me that I was never going to know. That is the only thing I’m angry with you over. Well, not even angry, but hurt. You hurt me, Guy,” she said painfully. “For five long months I hurt. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. It’s the God’s truth, I wanted to die. I gave up. I didn’t want to live without you. Can’t you understand that?”

Her voice was pleading. Precariously close to begging, but God, she had no pride whatsoever when it came to this man. She’d crawl if she had to. Anything to make him come back to her. To love her as much as she loved him.

He stared at her with those haunted eyes, and he clearly had no idea how to respond. He was so assured of his guilt that no, it hadn’t occurred to him to give her the choice of judgment.

He simply ran his hands over her face, her lips, her neck, shoulders, over and over as if he really didn’t believe she was here.

“You hate me,” he whispered in a tortured voice. “God, I hate myself.”

“Look at me, Guy,” she said tenderly. “See me.”

He stared into her eyes for what seemed an eternity before it seemed to register with him. There was no hatred there. No fear. No sense of betrayal or hurt. Only love. And tenderness, compassion and a vow to always protect him. That he’d always be safe with her. His heart would always be safe with her.

“I don’t hate you. I love you,” she whispered fiercely. “I love you. And you don’t get to decide for me. You don’t get to tell me that I don’t love you. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you.”

Thin rivulets trickled down his cheeks. His nostrils flared with every inhale as if he fought a vicious battle for control, not to completely break down.

She framed his beloved face in her palms and looked directly into his eyes.

“Now, listen to me, Guy, because this is important. It’s everything. Do not interrupt me until I am finished. Do you understand?”

He gave a chopped nod, and she pondered whether her telling him not to interrupt was even necessary. He wasn’t capable of saying a thing at the moment. He was simply too overcome.

“Now, if you walked away from me because you don’t want me and you don’t love me, then I have to accept that.”

He made a strangled noise in his throat, and she shot him a warning look, reminding him of his promise. But he didn’t look happy at all. He looked pissed, fire blazing in his eyes.

Good, she thought savagely. She’d take his anger and rage over the soulless look in his eyes any day of the week.

“However, if you walked away from me because you thought I hated you, because you truly believed you betrayed me, lied to me and felt you weren’t worthy of me, then I won’t accept that,” she said fiercely. “Because it’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit. And I will not throw away the best thing in my life because he’s decided he’s committed an unpardonable sin against someone who has already forgiven him.”

“Are you finished?” he demanded.

She nodded.

“Good. Because I f*cking love you more than I’ve ever loved another human being in my life. You aren’t just the world, Honor Cambridge. You’re my world. My entire reason for living. Walk away from you because I don’t want you or love you? I walked away because you deserve better than me. Because you deserve a man who won’t fail to protect you and allow you to be nearly raped and then tortured. And I’m not that man,” he said in a savage voice.

“Yes,” she said calmly. “You are.”

Despair crept once more into his eyes.

“You have no idea what kind of life you’d have to live if you were with me. Because of the fact that I’ve accumulated more enemies over the years than the very monsters I’ve worked to take down, you would always be a target. You are my greatest weakness, and everyone in the goddamn world would know it and try to hurt me by getting to you. And they would hurt you. They’ve already hurt you,” he said in a tortured voice. “And I couldn’t bear it, Honor. I couldn’t live with myself if I lost you.”

“I’m glad you’re such a badass then,” she said lightly. “You’ll never, never let anyone hurt me.”

Guy closed his eyes, his fingers clenching into tight balls.

“Your trust in me staggers me. It humbles me when you have no reason to trust anything I say do or promise. But, Honor, the danger . . . that’s only part of. I’m a man who demands and expects complete control. In every aspect. As my woman, I would dominate you. I’d know your every movement. I’d expect you to check in with me anytime you so much as went to the grocery store.”

He lifted one hand to run it raggedly over his head.

“I’m demanding sexually. I don’t give up control in any aspect of my life, baby,” he said in an aching voice, as though he were admitting to murder. “I can’t. Control has been ingrained in me my entire life. I’ve been trained to always be in control of every aspect of every situation. How long do you think it would take before you began to feel smothered? How long would it take for me to kill the thing that sets you so far apart from the rest of the world? Your smile, your sunshine, your kindness and generosity. I would smother you, Honor. And eventually I would destroy you.”