Darkest Before Dawn (KGI #10)(116)

Honor shook her head in bewilderment. “I don’t understand.” It seemed it was all she was capable of saying. It was too much to take in, to have what she’d believed and grieved over for months change in seconds.

“He loves you, Honor,” Conrad said gently. “Hancock hasn’t ever loved anyone in his life except his foster family. He’s never been loved by anyone except his foster family. He’s never felt he deserved to be loved. He believes himself to be a monster. He believes himself to be worse than Maksimov. He’s dying with every passing day. He’s grieving, tormenting himself, loving you and yet knowing he’s not worthy of you, that he doesn’t deserve you. He let you down. He betrayed you. He allowed Maksimov to hurt you and he will never forgive himself for that.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” she whispered.

“Because I believe you’re hurting just as much as he is. I believe you love him as much as he loves you. I believe you’re both dying and that you’ve given up. And I know you’re the only one who can save him. I couldn’t allow you to believe what he wouldn’t even defend himself against, because he believes it all. That he betrayed you. Let you down. Hurt you. Manipulated you. Lied to you. But Honor, you didn’t see him when he told us the mission had changed. You didn’t see the determination in his eyes when he told us that you were the sole priority, that your safety took precedence above all else. He didn’t give one f*ck about the mission or whether he was successful in taking Maksimov down. He tried to do the honorable thing and spare you but still take out a serious threat to thousands of innocent lives. And he lost everything as a result.”

Tears spilled down Honor’s cheeks and she hugged herself, rocking back and forth in the swing.

“Why didn’t he explain? On the plane. After he’d freed me from Maksimov. Why did he let me believe he was delivering me to ANE? Why didn’t he at least try?”

“Because you believed it. You weren’t there, Honor. You were a million miles away and you wouldn’t have heard a word he had to say. And it’s hard to defend or explain when you feel that you are guilty of every single sin you accused him of. He didn’t defend himself because he knew he was guilty of the crimes committed against you. And he loves you as much as he hates himself.”

“Where is he?” she demanded.

Conrad closed his eyes. “I don’t know. He disappeared after Maksimov and ANE were taken down. Titan is no more. We all walked away. We’re done. He’s a lone wolf, Honor. He’s gone off somewhere to die a slow, painful death because he can’t live with what he did to you. But I know this much. He loves you with every breath in his body. I’ve worked with him, followed him, been loyal to him for over a decade. And before you, every single characteristic attributed to him was true. He was more machine than man. No emotion. He had his own code and he lived by it. The greater good. And sometimes that means sacrificing innocents. He hated it, but knew it was a necessary evil.

“But you changed everything. You changed him. Suddenly he wanted to be the man you saw when you looked at him. He wanted to be better. For you. You showed him how to love. How to feel. How to be human. And he’ll never love again. He’ll love you forever just as he’ll hate himself for eternity for what he did to you.”

“Then how can I find him?” she asked in frustration. “Damn it, Conrad, you can’t come here and tell me all this and then walk away without giving me something. I won’t let him do this to himself. I won’t. I love him. Do you have any idea how much it hurt when I believed that he’d used me, that he’d betrayed me and allowed Maksimov to torture me?”

Conrad’s eyes were haunted. “I failed you too, Honor. Not just Hancock. We all failed you.”

“Bullshit,” she said angrily.

Sorrow swamped her eyes. “I’m so sorry about Mojo. He was a good man. He didn’t deserve to die because of me. Because Hancock changed the mission. Are Viper and Cope okay now?” she asked anxiously.

Conrad smiled gently, reaching for her hand to give it a light squeeze. “Always worried for others. You are a remarkable woman, Honor. My life is better for having known you. And if you can save Hancock, you will have my eternal gratitude. Yes, Mojo was a good man, but he died peacefully. He was given redemption, something none of us ever dreamed we would be given. And Viper and Cope are fine. I don’t know where Hancock is, I swear it. But I can point you in the direction of people who might know or at the very least can help you find him.”

She leaned forward eagerly. “Tell me.”

“I’ll bring you there myself,” he said. “I won’t send you off without protection. And it’s not far at all. Dover, Tennessee, just a few miles south of the Kentucky border. How soon can you be ready?”

She was already rising from the swing. “Give me five minutes.”

Conrad smiled to himself as he watched her stalk away, her eyes fierce with purpose. The dull, lifeless look that clung to her like a second skin had evaporated and she looked like the Honor he’d first met. Full of fight and fire. Courage and bravery.

If anyone was going to save Hancock, it was going to be her. He almost pitied the man. Almost. Because he was never going to know what hit him when Honor Cambridge ran him to ground.

CHAPTER 45

HONOR’S family made it clear that she was going nowhere with a man they didn’t know, and she damn sure wasn’t going alone with Conrad. Brad insisted on accompanying her, and Conrad and she were equally insistent she was going alone.