Broken and Screwed (BS #1)(29)

I whispered, “I can’t stop this.”

He let out a soft sigh.

“I should.” Pain flared in my chest. It tightened around my heart. “I think Eric would like to be my boyfriend. He won’t hurt me like you do. You always leave me, Jesse. You blow into my life and then you leave every time. We should stop this. We should stop it right now.”

A haunted look came to him.

My heart skipped a beat. He felt something for me. I knew it. I almost relished in it, but then I deflated once again. It didn’t matter. He said it himself. He didn’t want a girlfriend, and no matter what he felt for me, I knew he wouldn’t allow it. He wouldn’t let it grow into something more. And right then and there, I wasn’t able to walk away. One day I would. I knew I’d be strong enough to leave the shelter he gave me, but not that day, not at that minute.

I still needed him.

“What do you want, Alex?” It looked like that question cost him. He seemed in pain.

I shook my head. A tear slipped down my cheek. “I can’t.”

His forehead dropped to mine. He heaved a ragged breath in.

My hands lifted to his shoulders and I hung on. I was helpless at that moment as I confessed, “I can’t stop this, not yet.”

Then his lips caught mine. I surged against him as I wrapped my arms around him. I pulled him close, he held me tighter. And like all the other times, time ceased for us. It was only the two of us and the frenzied need we felt for the other.

Later that night as I got ready for bed, my phone beeped a few times. One was from Angie. She wanted to know how I was and if I had heard from Marissa. The next was from Eric. He hoped I had a good weekend and the third was from Jesse. He hoped my mother was okay and he would come back for Christmas break. My phone beeped a fourth time. It was from him again and it read, ‘Don’t have a boyfriend when I come back.’

I thumbed a quick response to Angie. I hadn’t heard from Marissa. I didn’t tell her about what happened with Cord. That was for Marissa to tell her. My next response was to Eric. I replied that the weekend went fast and I hoped he had a good one as well. Then my last response was to Jesse. It read, ‘Okay.’

That it was, nothing more. I didn’t feel he needed more than that.

Angie and Eric both responded a few times before I crawled into bed. And then, as I turned the light off and settled underneath my comforter, my phone buzzed one last time. It was from Jesse. ‘Good.’

In some ways my world was crumbling around me, but that night I went to bed with a smile. I couldn’t stop my smile, and I had a strong sense that Ethan was smiling as well, wherever he was.

My mother had been in the hospital for two weeks. I visited her once, but her eyes had been vacant the whole time. One of the nurses advised against any more returns from me. Apparently, her blood pressure and heart rate had skyrocketed when I was there. It was calm when my father was there, and according to the emptiness of the house and how the nurses had commented, he was there every day. A small cot was next to her bed with a blanket and pillow on top of it. When I’d gone into her bathroom, my dad’s utility bag was on a shelf inside.

As I had left that time, I sat in my car with my phone in my hand. I had considered calling Jesse, but what could he say? Besides the one text message, he hadn’t commented about my mother that weekend or since then. And I couldn’t call anyone else. I hadn’t told anyone about my mother. I wasn’t about to start. My family had enough grief; I couldn’t stomach any more sympathy.

But it didn’t last long.

“Hey!” Angie slapped a hand on my locker. She shut it for me as I stepped back with my bag over my shoulder.

“Thanks.” I watched it close and turned for the parking lot.

“Hey!” she said again before she fell in step beside me. Then she lowered her voice. “You didn’t tell me about your mother. She’s in the hospital? Alex! How could you not tell me that?”

I shrugged and veered around two freshmen girls. When they started giggling, I looked up and saw the reason for it. Eric was at the end of the hallway with some of his football teammates. All of them wore their letterman jackets and lounged against the wall as if they owned the place. Then I sighed. In some ways, they might’ve. The freshmen girls would’ve attested to that fact.

When Eric caught sight of me, his face lit up and he lifted a hand.

I nudged Angie with my elbow. “Can we not talk about my mom? I didn’t say anything because it’s…” I hesitated. What could I say? I couldn’t tell her that it’d been a relief for me that she was gone from the house. That didn’t sound appropriate. I ended with, “It’s just a lot, okay? It’s too much sometimes.”

Her face sagged and horror flared in her eyes. She caught my shoulders with her hands and stopped me. “I’m so sorry, Alex. I really am. If you need anything at all, call me! Seriously. Hey, my mom is making lasagna tonight. Come over for dinner?”

“Hey, guys.” Eric approached now, his voice was cheerful.

Angie ignored him. “What do you say?”

“Say to what?” He moved closer and lowered his head.

I sighed and then relented. “Sure.”

“Great!” Her smile was radiant before she bounded off. She hollered back from the door, “Come at eight. We’ll go bowling with Justin and the gang afterwards.”