Breathe (Sea Breeze #1)(50)
I shook my head. “I don’t want to think about school.”
He sighed. “Sadie, you’re going to have to pick up and move on. Not talking about any of it is going to keep you from having a life.”
I knew he was right, but the pain that the thoughts evoked was so intense I didn’t think I could do it. “The pain...I can’t breathe when I start to remember.”
He didn’t say anything right away. We stood watching the waves together. I could breathe without the pain for the first time since Jax had gone.
“I hope one day I can evoke in someone as amazing as you that kind of love and need.”
I turned my gaze to him. “It's the most amazing thing in the world when you’re together, but when it is over, it hurts. It hurts more than you could ever imagine.” I heard the words come out, and I was surprised at myself for speaking my thoughts aloud.
“Would you do it differently if you could, now that you know how it ends?”
I allowed myself to think of Jax’s smile and his arms around me, and I knew I wouldn’t change anything. Our last dance that I had memorized every second of, came back to me, and with it came the pain. My knees buckled, and Marcus’s arms came around me and held me up. I fought the pain with the happiness I had known, and it seemed to ease it. No, if I could go back and do it again, all I would do is just try to be stronger or...just more. I would try to be someone who could hold on to him. Someone who could deserve him.
“No,” I whispered, and I knew I wouldn’t miss a moment. Saying it out loud and knowing I would never forget it, or give up the memories, eased the pain a little more.
“He loves you too.” Marcus admitted into the darkness.
I wondered if he was saying those words in hopes of making me feel better, or if he truly meant them. “He didn’t love me enough,” I said into the night breeze and turned my attention back to the water. It helped soothe me.
“What is enough?” Marcus asked.
I sighed and closed my eyes. “Willing to get through the hard stuff together.” The words made sense, but I hated that it sounded as if I were betraying Jax with them.
“I don’t know why I’m defending him, but I believe he left to protect you. For the first time since he met you, he put you first.”
I let out a hard cold laugh that didn’t sound like me. “How can taking away the reason my heart beats be good for me?”
Marcus took my arm. “Jax knew when he met you he wouldn’t be able to keep you. He knew you wouldn’t fit in his world. I blame myself for pursuing you in front of him, because that is what broke his resolve to stay away from you. He couldn’t handle the jealousy. For the first time in his life, he wanted something he could not have, and he fought it for you. I watched him. But then he caved, and when he did, it was the beginning of the end. I hate him for not being strong enough. I hate him for hurting you. But more than any of that, I hate him because he stole your heart and I don’t think it will ever be the same.”
I didn’t want to fight with Marcus. He had come to get me out of the darkness when no one else did. He was a friend. My first friend ever. I knew he would never understand that I didn’t regret one moment I spent with Jax. The pain I was enduring now was worth every moment of the time I spent with him.
So, I touched his arm and turned away from his sad face. “You’re right about one thing. My heart, he took it with him.”
* * * *
The next few days, my darkness slowly faded. My memories began to brighten the darkest spots. I couldn’t go back to Jax’s house and work. My time there was over. After a week of being home, Jessica came to my room.
“If we are going to eat, we need money. No one is going to hire me when I am ready to give birth at any moment. I know you’re hurting, but you’re going to be starving and hot if you don’t find a job.”
I had been expecting this. I knew our cash was low, and Jessica was right, she couldn’t work. I was the able body around here. She brought me a piece of paper.
“Call Ms. Mary. She said she could get you a job if you wanted her help. What she can get you is going to be tons better than anything you can find on your own. Also, the Stones left all their summer employees severance pay since they were all laid off a month and a half early. She said she was mailing the check.”
I flinched, and Jessica sighed and sat down on my bed. “I know thinking about him hurts, and you’re so full of pride taking money from him is hard for you, but right now, with me about to have a baby, we need this money.”
I pulled my knees up under my chin. “Yes, but the family left early because of me. Why should they have to pay me because I forced their departure?”
Jessica sighed and shook her head. “You didn’t do anything wrong but fall in love with a rock star. I can’t say I blame you, he was a hottie, but a relationship with someone like him was impossible from the beginning. They left early, and you lost your job because of it. They owe you like everyone else.”
I shook my head. “No, they owe me nothing!”
Jessica stood up. “Well, regardless of what you think. We will take the check and pay our bills, and fill our kitchen and go buy diapers. Stop being so selfish and open your eyes to the facts, Sadie. We are about to have another mouth to feed, and no amount of your whining and wallowing in self-pity or pride is going to supply our needs. So stop it, and face the facts.”