Be With Me(18)

“It’s not going to eat itself,” Cam said dryly.

She looked up to see al three of them looking at her. She put her spoon down, knowing she wasn’t going to be able to eat until they got the elephant out of the room.

“What happened a year ago . . . shouldn’t have happened,” she said in a low voice.

Chapter 8

Cam, Sawyer and Hutch al stopped eating and stared at her. Hard. The intensity of their gazes unnerved her. Made her feel as though she’d committed some unpardonable sin.

“Why?” Sawyer asked bluntly. “Why shouldn’t it have happened, Reggie?”

She blinked in surprise and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She hadn’t expected to be asked why.

And it was apparent in Cam and Hutch’s expressions that they too wanted an answer.

God. Why should she have to explain it? Shouldn’t it be obvious? What sort of person had sex with three men? At the same time! Three men who were her best friends. People she trusted. These weren’t people to trifle with—to play with their emotions or make promises with her body she couldn’t keep.

“It shouldn’t have happened,” she said stubbornly.

“And we want to know why,” Hutch said calmly.

She made a sound of frustration. She scooted her seat back, ready to escape. Cam reached over and wrapped his fingers around her wrist to prevent her flight.

“No more running,” he said. “We’re going to talk about this, Reggie.”

She closed her eyes. “What do you want from me?

Do you want me to admit what a twisted, screwed up person I am to have had sex with three men? My God, it equated to a gang bang. You’re my friends—” She was interrupted as Sawyer stood so forceful y that he knocked over his chair.

“Sawyer,” Hutch said in a warning voice.

Sawyer ignored him and leaned over the table, his hands flat against the wood.

“Gang bang? You want to reduce what we had to some shoddy  p**n  flick?”

She flinched at the fierceness in his voice. He was pissed.

“Do you honestly think that we’d ever disrespect you like that, Reggie? Because if you do, then we have bigger problems than the fact we had sex. I understand that what happened threw you for a loop.

Don’t you think it did the same to us? But to relegate it to some cheap thril with you playing the starring role as a  p**n  bunny pisses me the f**k off, and I don’t mind tel ing you that.”

“Sawyer, sit down,” Cam said calmly.

“No, Cam. I won’t f**king sit down.” He stared Regina down, his eyes never moving from her face. “I don’t know what that night meant to you, Reggie. I don’t know because you won’t talk about it. But you want to know what it meant to me? To them?” he asked as he gestured at Cam and Hutch.

“What?” she whispered.

“It was the best night of my life. I waited a long damn time to make love to you. Did I plan it? No. In a perfect world we would have eased you into a situation where making love with us al wouldn’t have unsettled you so damn much. But it just happened, Reggie. We didn’t plan it. But I don’t regret it either.

Can you look me in the eye and tel me you regret it?

Real y?”

Her mouth went dry. She felt cornered. Not by them, but by her own damning emotions. She’d never lied to them before. She’d never kept anything from them. And yet for the last year, she’d withdrawn, essential y lying by omission, by her refusal to acknowledge what had happened between them.

She got to her feet and turned away in an effort to col ect herself. She didn’t want to crumble in front of them, and she felt dangerously close to doing so.

She clutched her arms and rubbed up and down, and then she turned back to them.

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know. I’ve struggled so hard to forget, to put it out of my mind. I don’t want things to change between us. God, I couldn’t bear it. You’re my only friends. The only people who matter to me. How could I have let that night happen?”

Hutch started to speak, but she silenced him with a raised hand. She didn’t want to tel them what was burning a hole in her gut. Didn’t want to bare her soul so painful y. But it was clawing at her chest, straining to get out. And maybe it would be the last straw in their already struggling relationship.

“After that night . . . a few months after it happened, I went out with another guy. I was determined to put that night out of my mind. I had . . .

sex with him.” She closed her eyes as tears threatened to spil over the rims. And she couldn’t bear to see the condemnation in their expressions.

She heard a swift intake of breath. More than one.

When she worked up the courage to reopen her eyes, the room was blurry through a sheen of tears.

She continued on, determined to rid herself of the guilt and self-condemnation. Or maybe embrace it.

“I had sex with him . . . and the next morning I just wanted to die. I felt . . . I felt like I had betrayed you.

Al of you. I couldn’t even look you in the eye. I couldn’t face myself in the mirror. How f**ked up is that?”

Cam stood and started to make his way over to where she was, but she stepped back and held out a hand. He stopped, his expression pained, his eyes haunted. Her gaze skittered to Hutch and Sawyer’s faces and saw mirroring pain there. Her heart seized.