Back in the Saddle (Jessica Brodie Diaries #1)(3)

Apparently, suddenly feeling like he needed to switch from lightly stroking his manhood, to helping me, Joe heaved himself from the bed.

Oh man, God was a f**ker to this poor guy! Either that, or Joe did something really awful in a past life. He was mini-sized! I was not tall, being five-foot-six, but I had to cast my eyes downward to meet his.

Without another thought, I turned toward the exit. I just wanted this little escapade to be over. I wanted to laugh about this later. I really wanted to think these types of things were still hilarious at twenty-five years old, I really did. Just like I wanted to think that being in college for a bachelor’s degree was also still normal at twenty-five.

“Oh, I’ll walk you to the door.” And out he followed. In the buff.

Why me?

I figured I would just throw it out there. “You know that you are naked, right?”

He looked mildly surprised as he looked down. “Oh…yeah. I swear I thought I told you this last night. Yeah, I am a nudist. Well, not 100% or anything. I just like being in the flesh. More natural, you know? I wear clothes when I have to go in public--or else I’ll get arrested.” He chuckled. It wasn’t funny. “But when I can, I really like being out there. Not restrictions, you know? It totally gives a sense of freedom. You should try it.”

He gave me a soft but firm push toward and out the door as he followed me. He wanted to prove his convictions.

This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. This wasn’t real life.

I led the one-man-NAKED-band down the stairs of the apartment complex, through the lobby, and to the front entrance. The whole time he was dangling away behind me, showing off his goods for all the building to see. This was the worst walk of shame I had ever experienced. Ever! And I wasn’t even the one on display!

Two old, church-going women were making their way into the building as we headed out. Instead of scoffing or screaming, I heard, “Oh gracious, Irene, he’s got no clothes on again. He will catch cold one of these days--mark my words! And he managed to get a girl?” And they strolled past, continuing their conversation just out of earshot.

“Well, it was fun, Jo..uh…see ya later, then.” I gave a small wave and bounded from the premises. I didn’t know where in the city I was, how to get home, or even where my socks were, but I couldn't stay in that kid’s presence another second!

I climbed the stairs to the two bedroom apartment I shared with Ami, Mother Theresa re-incarnate. Man, I hated my roommate. It wasn’t that she was a mean person. Quite sickeningly the opposite, in fact. She didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, didn’t do or ever try any drugs, got all A’s in school, had a good body, and was pretty. Basically, a mother’s wet dream. My mother’s wet dream. It sucked.

Halfway through the hall, I heard the first screech of nails on chalkboard: “Where were you last night?”

Could the woman get a life? Any at all. Hell, a game of bridge or bingo at a church function would be better than hanging around, looking through books, and waiting to throw verbal stones when I skulked in looking like a homeless show girl.

I slowly turned to face the interrogation head-on, head held high. Hands clasped to hide the tremor, I straightened my back and oozed purpose. Hopefully she didn’t smell the stale beer from my clothes from the few mishaps in balance last night.

“I was with a friend.” I said in a matter-of-fact tone, easily hiding the lie. “Why?”

“Oh. You went to a slumber party, then?”

“Not since I was five, no. I stayed over at a friend’s house.”

“Oh, I see.”

“His house was closer to the bar.”

“The bar?” Her eyes flared as she glanced down to my clothes. She was judging. She must be! I looked like a hot mess.

“His house?” she continued excitedly. “Oh! Is this a new boy-friend?”

“No, actually. Just a friend. That I know. From school. No big deal."

“Oh. That’s nice! How long have you known him?”

“A while. It’s no big deal. Just a friend. So…” I half-turned, indicating that my unraveling had nothing to do with her questions.

“How exciting!” She threw me a friendly smile, missing my subtle cues.

“Well, not really. It was kind of a dull night. Well, I am going to head to the shower…”

“But, didn’t you shower at your friend’s house? Did you forget your overnight bag?”

Honestly, only the intensely naive were this inquisitive. Either that, or her mental pen was scribbling furiously in anticipation of relaying all of this to her busy-body, snooty mother.

I attempted a nonchalant, overconfident hair flick, but with so much residual hairspray tangling un-brushed sex hair, my fingers got snared. I yanked my hand away, painfully ripping a few strands of hair with it, and tried for an all-knowing smile to hide my discomfort.

“I didn’t actually know we were going to a bar that was so far away. You know cab drivers; they can be dangerous at night. So, I just stayed with him at the last minute. Didn’t have my toiletries so I thought I would just head back home to shower.” Lie.

“Oh my God! You should have called me! I could have come and picked you up. I was home early from dinner with Randolph. You definitely don’t want to be entrusting your life with cab drivers. A nice looking young girl in this city? No way!”