Avoiding Responsibility (Avoiding #2)(159)

Had a tough time, got a rough start

But I finally learned to let it go

Now I'm right here, and I'm right now

And I'm open, knowing somehow

That my shadow days are over

My shadow days are over now

-John Mayer "Shadow Days"

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Chapter 25: Present

No one spoke for awhile after Lexi's declaration. She had slept with Adam's brother, John, when she and Ramsey had been broken up. This was the same brother that had put the moves on Chyna forcing their untimely break up. Chyna despised John…hated him. There was no way she had ever wanted Chyna to find out, but that was certainly better than her thinking she had slept with Adam! That would be the ultimate betrayal and she wouldn't have blamed Chyna if she never spoke to her again. Adam was handsome and wonderful. She had an uncanny connection with him, but it just wasn't like that. He loved Chyna, and Chyna was her very best friend. She had done terrible things before, but not that.

Not to mention Ramsey. She hadn't cheated on him, but the pain was still evident in his bright green eyes. He was completely taken aback. This seemed to be the last thing he had expected her to say. Bekah's statement claiming she had cheated on Ramsey wasn't true, but with her past it still had to leave doubts in his once unclouded mind. She just wanted to tell him that things would be alright between them, but how could she know what he would do with this news?

Lexi wished with everything she was that she could stop everyone from looking at her right then. Her brain was aching from the swell of emotions going through her, and their reactions weren't helping. Chyna appeared shell-shocked if not a bit disgusted. No doubt she was thinking about the last time she had encountered John and what it had done to her relationship. Adam looked sympathetic, but like he had somehow known this would blow up in her face. Jack's smirk had returned to his face. He seemed triumphant as if this was proof that she was still no better than him. And Bekah – Bekah was the worst of all. She wore smug like a new pair of Jimmy Choos. If Lexi could wipe that murderously arrogant look off her face, she swore she would die a happy woman.

"I really wanted to tell you Ramsey. I know what we've been through," Lexi said pausing to fully look him in the face. She needed to stand up for herself. She couldn't cower and hide behind her actions. She needed to take responsibility for what she had done. "No I just, I can't apologize for it happening…"

Ramsey's eyes narrowed. Out of the corner of her eye, Lexi could see Chyna's mouth drop open. She knew this was a do or die moment. The two people she cared about most were waiting for an answer that she just couldn't give them. She couldn't grovel and apologize for what she had done. She had been that person before, but she wasn't sorry about sleeping with John. It had been something she had done when she had been a single woman. It's not as if she had asked for a break, they had broken up. She had told Ramsey not to call her and he hadn't. She thought it was over. The fact that she was even in Atlanta with Ramsey was completely unanticipated.

But she didn't want him to get the wrong idea. She loved him, but she hated the lying. And she hadn't meant him to think that she was lying. She just hadn't gotten around to telling him yet. But now she needed to make him understand.

Lexi sighed before continuing. "No, I'm sorry that it hurts you. I really am, but I'm not sorry that I slept with someone else," Lexi said amazed that she could even get the words out. "I wasn't dating you at the time. We were two consenting adults. In fact, I hadn't anticipated getting back together with you. Things changed clearly since then, and it's not going to ever happen again, but it did happen. I can't change it.

"So either you have to accept that fact along with me or you don't. We're just at that point," Lexi said standing tall and fighting the urge to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. She was both more nervous about Ramsey's reaction than anything before this moment, and also completely confident in her decision to finally stand up for herself. Ramsey looked as if he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to say.

Before he got the chance, Chyna butted in, "But you still slept with John knowing the kind of person he is. You still did it. Just because you say these things doesn't make it better. Think about what you did with him," Chyna said with a shudder. Adam reached out for her, but she didn't stop talking. "How can you even go on with your life? I'm sorry Adam, but you're brother is kind of disgusting," she said with an easy shrug.

"Can we really drop this line of conversation?" he said with a roll of his eyes. "I know how you feel about him, and it made us do stupid things once before. Let's just avoid it all together."

Chyna batted him away from her, and turned back towards Lexi. "I'm sorry I can't just ignore this fact. My best friend slept with your brother. Not to mention you knew about it and didn't tell me. You guys were keeping it secret together. Alexa has never kept a secret from me before and now this. How could you?" Chyna asked a hitch in her voice.

"Chyna…" Lexi stammered looking at her friend sympathetically. She honestly hadn't meant for it to be a secret for so long. Before that phone call from Ramsey, she had intended on telling Chyna…one day. She just hadn't been ready yet, and then afterwards she had wanted to forget it had happened. She never wanted Chyna to know.