Avoiding Commitment (Avoiding #1)(116)

"Jack, lower your voice," she demanded glancing around at the nosey onlookers.

"No, Lexi explain," he yelled out his eyes blazing.

Deep down she wished she could have lied to him right then and there. What made him special anyway? She lied to everyone else. She wished that she didn't have to explain why she had done what she did. She had been avoiding the truth for so long. She didn't feel prepared to divulge her actions, but she couldn't lie to Jack. They had decided a long time ago never to do that to each other. Her heart told her that the truth would only hurt him further. That he should leave after everything they had been through. That she should run tail-end in the opposite direction, but she couldn't and he obviously wasn't going to either.

"I couldn't tell you, but I couldn't be with him either."

"Why didn't you come to me?" he pleaded with her trying to comprehend what she had done.

"He made me…hurt you Jack," she finally stammered out. "What I felt for Clark…what Clark thought he felt for me would never be the same after all that. I'd gone ahead with his plan out of fear. And for what?" she muttered angrily. "For what? Fear of losing him? No, I'd never feared that, but I didn't see that until it was too late. I was afraid of losing you. For what I had with you was more than anything Clark gave me."

"Then why didn't you come to me?" he repeated interrupting her stream of conscious. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Can't you see? I did it because I loved you and though you said the words first, I didn't believe you," she told him breathlessly her face paling after finally telling him everything she had been holding in.

His features morphed at the shock of her words. She could tell he wasn't pleased with what she had said. "You think I'd tell you I love you if it wasn't true?" he growled.

"Your girlfriend had just told me you had held out on sex with her for over a year and a half because she was a virgin. You obviously respected her. You couldn't even wait two days at a beach house while our significants were a couple hundred yards away. What does that tell you?" she asked her face regaining a little bit of color with the vehemence in her voice.

He leaned back hard against the bench and ran his hands through his thick hair again. Lexi's eyes were drawn to the movement, and she wished he would stop doing that. It kept making her heart flutter. "Yeah I really respected Kate by not sleeping with her," he stated sarcastically shaking his head. "Is that what you think?"

Lexi looked at him helplessly. It had been what she thought at the time, what she had thought for a long time, but now staring into his defeated face, she was beginning to second guess herself.

"It was the opposite," he told her taking her hand out of her lap once again as he regained composure. "I didn't respect her at all, because I slept with you. She was easy to handle and convenient. Nothing more to me than that. I cared for her, but when you walked away from me that day our relationship turned hostile and almost pathetic. I stayed with her more out of boredom. And to find out you weren't with Clark after all that, I just…I don't know what to say…" he trailed off.

They sat in silence both milling over the new found information that miscommunication had deprived them of so long ago. Lexi sighed heavily itching to find out what this meant for them in the present time.

"I guess we both thought we were doing what was in the other's best interest," Jack told her.

"So where do we go from here?" Lexi asked tentatively looking up into his blue eyes. What she saw gave her more hope than she thought she deserved. His eyes were lit up and the smile that crossed his face took her breath away.

"Well I have a thought," he began leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her cheek. She giggled reflexively unable to believe he had just kissed her after all that.

"What's that?" she asked nudging him along.

He scooted closer on the bench so that there wasn't any room left between them. "I'm going to be in New York for a little while so why don't we try this out?"

"You mean date?" she asked in disbelief.

He scrunched up his face. "You think that we can really be normal enough to date?" he asked sarcastically.

"Oh shush," she said smacking him playfully, "I just mean that we're a little bit past that point and we're not actually normal."

He nodded agreeing with her. "Okay so we don't date. Let's not be a couple since we're pretty good at that at least."

"Then what are we?"

"We're working on making this right," he said bringing his lips to hers gently.

"I like the sound of that," she said against his soft lips her breath quickening instantly.

He drew back from her a cocky smirk played across his features. "I forgot how much I love your reactions to everything."

She blushed as he trailed a hand down the side of her face and on to her neck. "Jack, we're in public," she reminded him. He retracted his hand seeming to realize that they were in a crowded place for one of the first times. Lexi glanced around at their surroundings just to make sure that they hadn't drawn any unnecessary attention towards themselves. When she was satisfied, she turned back to Jack taking in his beautiful features and feeling giddy and light-headed all at once.