Again the Magic (Wallflowers 0.5)(83)

“I love it.”

Amused by his change of tune, when she had heard him say just the opposite last week, Livia had to bite back a smile. “Why have you fallen in love with London so suddenly?”

Gideon reached out to stroke her hair, tucking a silken wisp neatly behind her ear. His eyes stared into her, the lamplight striking golden glints amid the depths of lambent blue. “Because it’s close to you.”

Livia closed her eyes, while the words riddled her with uncertainty and unwanted hope. The force of her longing seemed to fill the entire room. “Gideon,” she said, “we’ve already discussed—”

“I’m not asking to see you, or court you,” he said swiftly. “In fact, I insist on not seeing you for at least six months, until I can figure out if I’m able to stop drinking for good. It’s not a pleasant process, I’ve heard…for a while I’m hardly going to be fit company. So for that and other reasons, it would be better for us to stay apart.”

Livia was dumbstruck by the realization of what he was trying to do, the magnitude of effort it would require. “What do you want from me?” she managed to ask.

“To wait for me.”

More self-imposed isolation, Livia thought, and shook her head reluctantly. “I can’t remain secluded in Hampshire any longer, or I’ll go raving mad. I need to take part in society, and talk and laugh and go places—”

“Of course. I don’t want you to stay buried in Stony Cross. But don’t let other men…that is, don’t promise to marry anyone, or fall in love with some damned viscount…” Gideon scowled at the thought. “Just stay unmarried for six months. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”

She considered the request with a thoughtful frown. “No, of course not. But if you are doing this for me…”

“I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t partly for you,” he said frankly. “However, it’s for me as well. I’m weary of staggering through life in a fog.”

Livia ran her palm along the strong line of his forearm. “It’s possible that when you emerge from the fog, you won’t want me anymore,” she said. “Your perceptions may be different…your needs may change…”

He caught her hand in his, interlacing their fingers. “I’ll never stop needing you.”

She stared down at their joined hands. “When are you planning to start?”

“You’re referring to the fiendish condition of sobriety? I’m sorry to say that I’ve already started. I haven’t had a drink in twelve hours. By tomorrow morning I’m going to be a stinking, shivering, foul-tempered mess, and by the next day I’ll probably have murdered someone.” He grinned. “So it’s a good thing that I’m leaving Stony Cross.”

Undeceived by his flippant manner, Livia snuggled against his chest and pressed her lips to his heart. “I wish I could help you,” she said softly, rubbing her cheek against the dark golden fur. “I wish I could suffer through some of it for you.”

“Livia…” His voice thickened with emotion, and his hand passed gently over her hair. “No one can help me with this. It’s my cross to bear—one I’ve fashioned entirely by myself. And that is why I don’t want you to be any part of this. But there is one thing you could do to make it a bit easier…something to get me through the worst moments…”

She drew back to look up at him. “What is it?”

Gideon paused, and let out a taut sigh. “I know that you’re not going to admit that you love me—and I understand why. But in light of the fact that I’m facing six months of hell, can’t you give me just a little something?”

“Such as?”

He looked at her speculatively. “A blink.”

“A what?” she asked in confusion.

“If you love me…just blink at me. One time. A meaningful blink. You don’t have to say the words, just…” His voice trailed away as their gazes locked, and he stared at her with the ardent determination of a lost soul who had caught sight of his home far off on the horizon. “Just blink at me,” he whispered. “Please, Livia…”

She would not have believed it was possible to love this way again. Perhaps some people would consider it a disloyalty to Amberley, but Livia did not. Amberley had wanted her to be happy, to have a full life. She even thought that he might have approved of Gideon Shaw, who was struggling so hard to overcome his flaws…a warm, human, approachable man.

Gideon was still waiting. Livia held his gaze and smiled. Very deliberately, she closed her eyes and opened them again, and looked at him through the warm, blurry brightness of hope.

Aline was exhausted after a sleepless night, and filled with cold dread as she went to the stables, where she had promised to meet McKenna. She had rehearsed a list of objections over and over, arguments and counter-arguments…although when she practiced the words, she sounded unconvincing even to herself.

The household was slumbering except for the indoor servants who were busy with coal and ewers of hot water, and those who worked in the stables and gardens. Aline passed a footboy who had been assigned the task of pushing the mower machine back and forth across the velvety green lawn, while another lad followed to collect the cut grass with a rake and a small tip cart. In the stables, grooms were busy cleaning the stable gutters, distributing hay, and mucking out the stalls. The familiar scents of hay and horses saturated the air with a pleasantly earthy smell.