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I took a deep breath, the deepest I’d taken in a long, long time. Then I lowered myself into the water, and screamed.
No one could hear me. Just the way I wanted it.
30
KAAVI
Day of the Poruwa Ceremony
THEY SAY A little bit of nerves is normal before you get married. We see it on TV and in movies all the time, right? Though most often it’s the groom that fears commitment and runs away, and we’ve already established that Spencer is going nowhere.
But it wasn’t commitment that I feared. No way. I don’t think anyone has the discipline to commit to something the way I could. I mean, think about it—I’ve committed to my entire perfect way of life, haven’t I? I’ve committed to flawless hair and pristine skin and an even squeakier-clean reputation. People look at me and wish they were me. If you think, even for a moment, that doesn’t take lifelong commitment, well, why don’t you give it a try and see how it works out for you?
And in the grand scheme of things, I don’t mind committing to Spencer. He’s perfect on paper, blackmailing tendencies aside. We could set off on exactly the kind of marriage I wanted—unencumbered by ridiculous expectations of eternal romance and marital bliss. Please. All you need to do is look into the hollow eyes of new parents or couples that have passed the honeymoon period to know that nothing lasted. What lasts is stability. Comfort. Potential companionship with a person you didn’t have to keep comparing to a past version of themselves. You know, when their waistlines were trimmer and they acted like the sun shone out of your behind.
I’ve never believed in soul mates. I’ve never needed a man to make me feel complete. I’m plenty perfect on my own. Marriage was just window dressing. A decorative element in a society that places far more value on how things look rather than how they make you feel. No one cares if you’re married happily, after all, just that you have a husband.
My nerves weren’t a mess because of the commitment. Or my strategically prescribed new life.
My nerves were a mess because my groom was a liar, and someone hated me enough to actually burn my wedding dress. It was probably Amaya, getting back at me for what I said yesterday. Well, fuck her. I don’t care what the fuck she pulled. I could deal with her bullshit later.
When my phone rang at 6:30 a.m. the morning of my Poruwa ceremony, I was showered, dressed in my bedazzled robe that read Bride, and sipping on my coffee.
“Mike,” I said, in way of greeting.
“Kaavi, hi, I hope I’m not waking you up. I wanted to catch you before— Today IS the big day, right?”
“Today is the ceremonial day, yes. And you didn’t wake me. What’s going on?”
“It’s not good, Kaavs.”
We weren’t close enough for him to call me that, but I let it slide. There were bigger fish to fry.
“Tell me.” I steeled myself.
“There’s a reason Zoe Bassett was so hard to get ahold of. She’s, well, she’s gone into hiding.”
“What do you mean, hiding?”
“I mean she’s afraid for her life. We still haven’t been able to talk to her, but my colleague spoke to her best friend. She’d been dating Spencer for about two years. Zoe’s very well-off, according to her. Had a nice trust fund set up by her grandparents before they died. A trust fund that Spencer tried to help himself to, apparently.”
I was clenching my fist so hard around my phone that it bit into my hand.
“And?”
“She’d been trying to end things for a while, but apparently Spencer had been, well, look, there’s no easy way to say this. Spencer had been violent toward her. Put her in the hospital. She’d even filed a charge, but dropped it for some reason. Her friend claims she was blackmailed. Anyway, she managed to get away. She’s changed her name now, and is trying to recover.”
“When did she leave?”
“Early August, the year before last.”
Just before Spencer met me at the reunion. I’d been his meal ticket right from the start. How could I have been so blind?
“Look, Kaavi, from what she said, he’s a lot more dangerous than you’d think.” Didn’t I know?
“Don’t worry, Mike. It’s not like I can’t take care of myself.”
“I’ve heard a lot of people say that, Kaavi. I just hope for your sake that you know what you’re doing. Zoe was, well, from what I heard, she had to spend a large chunk of her trust fund on a plastic surgeon. Please be careful.”
31
KAAVI
The Night before the Wedding
I DRANK A lot of champagne and thought long and hard about what my options were. The day passed by in a blur. The makeup, everyone fussing over me, the various people who traipsed in and out of my room, telling me over and over again how lovely I looked, what a beautiful bride I was. The exhausting photo shoot that I cut short because I just couldn’t put myself through it.
On top of all that, I had to appease a heartbroken Andre, who wasn’t buying what happened to “his” dress. He probably thought I’d destroyed it on purpose so I could just wear the Hayley Paige, but honestly, I didn’t have enough energy left in me to care.
And then, the Poruwa ceremony itself. I smiled, I did all the rituals, I was perfect. I am perfect.