You Can't Catch Me(87)

“How come the police didn’t figure it out?”

“They never called the police. They put out the word that Todd was dead and had a funeral. Covington was the one who told me.”

“The local coroner didn’t do anything?”

I shrugged. “Why would he? No one had paid any attention to the LOT for years. It was like a tacit agreement or something. Todd was probably paying them off in some way since none of us ever went to school or had our shots or whatever.”

Liam shifted next to me. “He played closer to the rules than you’d think, actually. Paid taxes, applied for and received a homeschooling permit. He knew how to keep the cops away. And everyone else.”

“If there’d only been one welfare check.”

“Yeah, I thought of that,” he says, “but my aunt and uncle begged me not to.”

“Why?”

“They didn’t want all the kids separated from their parents, which they surely would’ve been.”

“But their parents were the ones who put them in danger.”

“No guarantee that the foster system would have been any better.”

“Who were they to decide that? Or you?”

He rubs at his face. “I made a choice to respect their wishes. They didn’t want to put Aaron through an investigation, have him testify, any of it. So instead, I did what I could. I got out as many as I could.”

His voice is shaking with emotion, but I feel angry now. For having to relive that horrible day with my mother, even though I brought it up. And with Liam, for not saving enough of us.

“Did you know?” I ask. “Did you know my mother was the one who reached out to you?”

“No.”

I’m not sure I believe him, but who am I to call him out?

“How come you never told me about Kiki?” Liam asks.

“I was ashamed.”

“Why?”

“First because I left her behind. And then because it was my fault she died.”

“I hardly think . . .”

I turn on my side, my back to him. “Please don’t, Liam, okay?”

“Okay.”

I watch the shadows move across the wall, waiting for Liam’s next question.

“Where is she now?” he asks eventually.

“Who?”

“Your mother.”

“Why? You think I should turn her in?”

“No.”

“I won’t.”

“I understand.”

He slips his arm around me, and I press into him because even though he can’t keep the nightmares away, he is the one who’s come the closest to doing so.

“You can’t turn her in either,” I say.

“You don’t trust me.”

“It’s not that. She’s my mother. I have to protect her, and even though she was the worst mother in the world, she saved me. She trusted me to keep her secret, and now I’ve broken that by telling you. I’d rather you just forget that I said anything.”

Liam stays quiet for a minute, but he doesn’t roll away from me. Not yet.

“Is this what you were dreaming about earlier?” he asks.

“I’m not sure. I never remember my dreams.”

“You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“Shhh.”

“Is Serene with your mother?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“She seemed happy there. She thinks they’re her parents. My aunt and uncle thought it was better for Kiki if Serene was raised by my parents, to help her forget the connection. I guess it worked in a way. Besides, I’m not equipped to raise a kid, assuming I could even get custody. Clearly.”

Liam hugs me tighter then, and whispers in my ear, “I think you’d be a great mother.”

And that’s supposed to be so romantic, isn’t it? Maybe that’s why he said it, or maybe he actually thinks that. But I can’t be anyone’s mother. I might be able to turn my life around, like JJ imagines, but that would be a step too far.

But like so many things, I can’t say this to Liam.

Instead, I say, “Thank you,” and let him rock me gently to sleep.





Chapter 40

Unraveling

That night when I told Liam about what my mother did, and some of what happened to Kiki, that could’ve been the beginning of something between us, something more real because we’d brushed so many secrets aside. Instead, it ended up being the beginning of a wall. It’s made up of bricks of things that I’ve known for years but have only started bothering me now that my watertight compartments have broken down. Things like why Liam didn’t call Child Services, and how many things could’ve been changed and saved if he had.

Kiki would be whole and alive. Serene would never have come to be. Todd would be in jail and exposed, maybe dying, surrounded by other harmers of children, bottom-feeders all. And I could be living a normal life, could have found happiness with an ordinary guy who did ordinary things. I could have a career, never have killed Jessie, never have known Jessie at all.

I know a lot of this isn’t fair. Todd didn’t make Jessie. She was out there, already rotten, waiting for the opportunity to arise. Our paths could have crossed anyway, and maybe I would’ve made the same choices. Or maybe I would have chosen to let go, let her go, if I were happy. If the LOT were a distant memory that had lost its power to harm or shape me.