Without Merit(83)

My mother doesn’t say anything for a moment. She just stares down at the puppy while she smooths her hand down its back. “You think he would?” she says quietly.

Honor looks at me and smiles.

I have no idea if she’ll actually move back to our old house, but this is the closest she’s come to entertaining the idea of leaving the basement in a long time. That’s progress.

Utah comes back down the stairs. “I found a vet who wants me to bring them in. He says there’s a formula we can syringe feed them, but we’ll have to do it every couple of hours for the first week.”

“I can help,” my mother says with eagerness. “Will you bring them back down here when you get back?”

Utah nods as he takes the puppies from her and Honor. “Sure. It might be a while, though. I’ll wake you up when I get home.”

“I’ll go with you,” Honor says, running up the stairs after him. Once they’re gone, I look over at my mother. She’s walking around her small basement apartment, tidying things up, preparing for the return of the puppies. It makes me smile, seeing her this excited about something.

“Did Utah say Wolfgang is their mother? Is that the same dog your father used to hate so much?”

“One and only.”

She laughs. “I don’t know why, but that makes me like those puppies even more.” She drops down onto her couch and yawns. I watch her for a moment, until she notices me staring. “What is it?”

I shrug. “Nothing.”

“You look upset.”

I sigh and then take a seat next to her. “Dad thinks I need to start therapy on Monday.”

She pats my knee. An unusual gesture coming from her. “Your dad thinks a doctor can fix anything. But my doctor never fixed me.” She glances at me. “You want me to talk to him?”

I think about that question for a moment. But I also think about the crumpled sheet of paper sitting on my bedroom floor. “Do you think maybe you just never had the right doctor?”

My mother regards me quietly for a moment. She starts fidgeting with her hands and I can see the anxiety starting to set in. She breaks eye contact and says, “It’s late. I think I’m going to sleep.”

Her words disappoint me, but not as much as they sadden me. “Okay,” I say. “Good night, Mom.”

She’s already off the couch and walking toward her bed. I head toward the stairs, but she calls my name.

“Yeah?” I say, pausing at the bottom.

She shrugs her left shoulder and says, “Let me know if you like the doctor.”

I smile at her. Another step closer. Even if it’s just a baby step.

When I make it upstairs, my father is staring out the window. I haven’t seen him since he walked here earlier this evening. I hesitate a moment, wondering if I should just go to my room or if I should say something to him. I eventually walk to where he’s standing and glance out the window. Utah, Honor, and Luck are walking toward the van. Honor is holding both of the puppies inside a box.

“He was a girl?” my dad asks, shaking his head. “That damn bastard dog was a girl,” he repeats. We watch out the window as Honor takes a seat in the passenger seat of the van, but before Luck or Utah get inside, Utah grabs Luck’s hand and they kiss briefly. It’s kind of sweet if you can overlook the whole related-by-marriage thing.

My father groans after seeing their display of affection. “I hope that doesn’t last.”

I chuckle. “I’m pretty sure Utah will be gay forever. It’s not really something that fades.”

My father turns away from the window, shaking his head. “I know that, Merit. I don’t care if he’s gay. I’m referring to whatever is happening between him and Luck. How am I supposed to explain to Moby that his uncle and his half brother are . . . a thing?”

“There are worse things he could find out about us.”

“Like what?”

“You were arrested today for exhuming a corpse. That’s pretty bad.”

My dad laughs. “Moby would probably like that.” He stares out the window again, long enough for them to pull out of the driveway.

I shove my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. “Dad?” I don’t know what I plan to say to him. He’s put up with so much in his life and I can’t help but feel like I’ve been adding to that weight all these years, rather than trying to take some of the weight off his shoulders. Do I apologize? Tell him thank you?

My dad nods, just a little, and then he takes a step toward me and pulls me in for a hug. The first hug he’s probably felt like I would allow him to give me in a very long time. “I know, Merit,” he whispers, relieving me from the awkwardness of not knowing what to say to him. “Me too.”

I pull my hands from my pockets and return the hug. My father presses his cheek to the top of my head and I can’t help but smile because it’s probably the best hug I’ve ever been given. It’s the one hug I’ve needed the most. We stay like this for a while, almost as if he’s making up for lost time. And maybe I am, too.

If someone had told me last week that we’d be having this moment tonight, I’d have laughed at them and said it would be a miracle.

Maybe it is.

I’m facing the living room with my head pressed against my father’s chest. I look up at Jesus and wonder if maybe He answered my prayer, after all. It was just a few days ago that I got down on my knees in my bedroom and prayed for a new focus.