Winter Loon(63)

“Water lily stuff?” Lester asked.

I shook him off. “That, and what Ruby said, I want to go back there and look around. Think about some stuff. Thought it would be better not to go alone.”

“Any excuse to get out of school, am I right?” Lester said, grinning his idiot grin.

Troy bunched up his mouth and nodded his head back. “Let me grab my boots. Why don’t you boys come inside for some breakfast.” The look he gave me told me that he’d talked to Jolene and that now it was my turn.



THE HOUSE SMELLED GOOD LIKE always, buttered toast and coffee, linked sausages sizzling in a pan. Lester and I ambled into the kitchen, me more careful than him. Mona and Mariah were dressed, but Jolene was still in her robe and slippers. She stood when she saw me. Her arms were folded and one foot was forward in a boxing stance. I hoped she wasn’t planning on hitting me, too.

“What are you doing here? And since when are you two buddies again?”

“We made up. After I tackled him. And he punched me.”

“Not in the ’nads, Jo. Don’t worry,” Lester added.

She shook her head, clearly disgusted.

Every part of me wanted to grab onto her and never let her go. But I knew I had too much to sort out and that I was bound to screw up what might be my only chance with her if I didn’t at least face up to some things. “Can we maybe go into the other room and talk for a minute?”

Mona helped rescue me. “Lester, why don’t you sit down there next to Mariah and I’ll make you some scrambled eggs. Troy will be back down in a minute.” She smiled, a soft, pitiful thing, like there was no way I was going to salvage this but good for me for trying.



I STARTED WITH AN APOLOGY and backtracked to my conversation with Topeka, to the story my father had told him. Being so close to her reminded me that it had only been just over a week since we were on her bed together. Now we were so far apart. Her face softened. I dug my hands deeper into my coat pockets to keep from touching her cheek, tracing her scar with my fingertip. I stared at the ground. “I need to tell you something else. It’s about Kathryn.” I said it all quick as I could, not wanting to dwell on any of it. I told her about everything except what Ruby said about Gip. That I didn’t have words for yet. “Aren’t you going to say something?” Blood rushed in my ears and chest as I waited.

“I’m sorry about your trip.”

I released the breath I was holding. “He’s not coming back for me. He killed me off.”

“I think it will be good, you going back up to Bright Lake. It’s time.”

“What about the other stuff, with Kathryn?”

“Well, if you think I’m going to stomp out of here all broken up, you’re wrong. But you should have known I wouldn’t . . .” She took a step back so she could see the kitchen doorway. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Wes, what we did . . .” Her face glowed crimson. “You know I’ve never done that before. What did you think? I was going to hop into bed with someone I didn’t care about? Maybe while you’re doing all that thinking about your mom and dad, you ought to spend some time thinking about what it would mean to trust a person.”

Unbrushed hair slipped out of her ponytail and danced loosely around her face. I tucked a strand behind her ear and we were caught there, quiet though the laughter from the kitchen was all around us. “I’m so sorry.”

She knocked my hand away. “You get one strike. That was it. You’re not going to hurt me, Wes.”

“I’m not.” I shook my head. “I’m not.”

“We can talk more when you two get back. Let’s get breakfast now, though. One of us is still planning to go to school today.”

Before she walked away, I took her hand, cupped it in mine like a bird. I turned it over, then intertwined my fingers in hers.

She took a step closer to me, so she could look up and I could look down. “Jesus,” I said, overwhelmed by her closeness. I had to stop myself from blurting out that I loved her, that I’d always love her.

Troy helped us dig a set of tire chains out from under shovels and engine parts in the garage, asking questions the whole time about what was going on with Gip and Ruby and the bank. I told him about how they had nowhere to go and that I didn’t know what I would do once they figured out where that nowhere was. Lester moved things around haphazardly and walked away from us, though not quite out of earshot. He was embarrassed for me, I could tell. He’d never been privy to the details of my home. Later in the car, after we warmed the air with boy talk and bullshitting about basketball and girls, after I’d told him about Kathryn and he’d given me a ribbing about not seeing it through, I told him about the knife, about the night Gip came into my bedroom.

“So you think he, you know . . . I can’t even fucking say it.”

“All I know is that he climbed in there looking for my mom. I don’t know what was going on. It makes me sick even thinking about it.”



LESTER AND I MADE OUR way into the gray-and-green woods of northern Minnesota. Aside from traffic lights in pass-through towns, the only color came from cardinals and blue jays flitting in the trees. The road was rutted like frozen corduroy from winter after winter of freeze and thaw and salt. We ate pemmican and red licorice and drank can after can of Mountain Dew, stinking up the lukewarm car with burps and farts. When we got close enough for me to realize I had no recollection of how to actually get to Bright Lake, we stopped for a map and put on the tire chains since the dirt road around the lake was unplowed. After a few wrong turns, things started to look more familiar. “That’s it,” I said. “Down there.” The roof of the cabin was barely visible. The approach hadn’t been cleared at all, so Lester popped the car into reverse. He pulled off into the pines about a hundred yards from where the long driveway down to the cabin cut off from the main road.