Where'd You Go, Bernadette(4)
On another topic, don’t you love Ollie-O? I was crushed when Microsoft ten-percented him last year. But if that hadn’t happened, we’d never have been able hire him to rebrand our little school.
Here at Microsoft, SteveB just called a town hall for the Monday after Thanksgiving. The rumor mill is going crazy. My PM asked me to book a meeting room for the hours just prior, and I’m hard-pressed to find one. That can mean only one thing: another round of layoffs. (Happy holidays!) Our team leader heard some scuttlebutt that our project was getting canceled, so he found the biggest email thread he could, wrote “Microsoft is a dinosaur whose stock is going to zero,” then hit Reply All. Never a good thing. Now I’m worried they’re going to punish the whole org and that I won’t land well. Or I might not land at all! What if that meeting room I booked was for my own firing?
Oh, Audrey, please keep me, Alexandra, and Lincoln in your prayers. I don’t know what I’d do if I got managed out. The benefits here are gold-plated. If I still have a job after the holidays, I’ll be happy to cover some of the food costs for the prospective parent brunch.
Soo-Lin
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18
Note from Audrey Griffin to the blackberry abatement specialist
Tom,
You’d think nobody lives in that big old haunted house above us, judging by the state of their yard. In fact, someone does. Their daughter, Bee, is in Kyle’s class at Galer Street. I’d be thrilled to raise the subject of her blackberry bushes with the mother at pickup today.
Pigs? No pigs. Do take some chard, though.
Audrey
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From: Bernadette Fox To: Manjula Kapoor I’m ecstatic you said yes!!! I’ve signed and scanned everything. Here’s the deal with Antarctica. It will be three of us, so get two rooms. Elgie has a ton of miles on American, so let’s try for three tickets that way. Our winter break dates are December 23 through January 5. If we have to miss a little school, that’s fine. And the dog! We must find someplace willing to board a 130-pound, perpetually damp dog. Ooh—I’m late picking up Bee at school. Again, THANK YOU.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 19
Note from Ms. Goodyear sent home in our weekend folders
Dear Parents,
Word has spread about the incident at pickup yesterday. Luckily, nobody was hurt. But it gives us the opportunity to pause and revisit the rules outlined in the Galer Street handbook. (Italics mine.)
Section 2A. Article ii. There are two ways to pick up students.
By Car: Drive your vehicle to the school entrance. Please be mindful not to block the loading dock for Sound Seafood International.
On Foot: Please park in the north lot and meet your children on the canal path. In the spirit of safety and efficiency, we ask that parents on foot do not approach the drive-up area.
It always inspires me that we have such a wonderful community of parents who are so engaged with one another. However, the safety of our students is always top priority. So let’s use what happened to Audrey Griffin as a teachable moment, and remember to save our conversations for coffee, not the driveway.
Kindly,
Gwen Goodyear Head of School
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Emergency-room bill Audrey Griffin gave to me to give to Mom
Patient name: Audrey Griffin Attending Physician: C. Cassella
Emergency Room Visitation Fee 900.00
X Ray (Elective, NOT COVERED) 425.83
Rx: Vicodin 10MG (15 tablets, 0 refills) 95.70
Crutch Rental (Elective, NOT COVERED) 173.00
Crutch Deposit: 75.00
TOTAL 1,669.53
Notes: Visual inspection and basic neurological examination revealed no injury. Patient in acute emotional distress, demanded X ray, Vicodin, and crutches.
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From: Soo-Lin Lee-Segal To: Audrey Griffin
I heard Bernadette tried to run you over at pickup! Are you OK? Should I come by with dinner? WHAT HAPPENED?
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From: Audrey Griffin
To: Soo-Lin Lee-Segal
It’s all true. I needed to talk to Bernadette about her blackberry bushes, which are growing down her hill, under my fence, and invading my garden. I was forced to hire a specialist, who said Bernadette’s blackberries are going to destroy the foundation of my home.
Naturally, I wanted to have a friendly chat with Bernadette. So I walked up to her car while she was in the pickup line. Mea culpa! But how else are you ever going to get a word with that woman? She’s like Franklin Delano Roosevelt. You see her only from the waist up, driving past. I don’t think she has once gotten out of her car to walk Bee into school.
I tried talking to her, but her windows were rolled up and she pretended not to see me. You’d think she was the first lady of France, with her silk scarf flung just so and huge dark glasses. I knocked on her windshield, but she drove off.
Over my foot! I went to the emergency room and got an incompetent doctor, who refused to accept that there was anything wrong with me.
Honestly, I don’t know who I’m more furious at, Bernadette Fox or Gwen Goodyear, for calling me out in the Friday Folder. You’d think I did something wrong! And mentioning me, but not Bernadette, by name! I created the Diversity Council. I invented Donuts for Dads. I wrote Galer Street’s mission statement, which that fancy company in Portland was going to charge us ten thousand dollars for.