Where'd You Go, Bernadette(21)

PRIVATE PROPERTY

NO TRESPASSING

Galer Street Gnats

Will Be Arrested

and Hauled Off to Gnat Jail



By now, the guests were flying out the front door and screeching off in their cars. Mud-caked servers and chefs were milling around, viciously whooping as if this were the most hilarious thing they’d ever seen. Mr. Kangana was swimming in mud, scooping up marimbas. Gwen Goodyear was in the foyer, trying to keep a brave face as she handed out Galer Street gear. Ollie-O was in a semicatatonic state, uttering nonsensical phrases like “This is not biodegradable—the downstream implications are enormous—the optics make for rough sledding—going forward—” before getting stuck on the words “epic fail,” which he kept repeating.

Most incredible, perhaps, Audrey Griffin was running down the street, away from her home. I called after her, but she had turned the corner.

I alone was left to care for thirty traumatized kindergarteners.

“OK,” I rallied. “Let’s everyone find their boots and raincoats!” I recognize now this was the wrong thing to say, as it only drew attention to the impossibility of such a task. Further, these children were in their socks, some even barefoot, and there was broken glass everywhere.

“Nobody move.” I collected every cushion I could find and laid a path out the front door to the sidewalk. “Walk on these cushions, and line up against the hedge.”

If there’s one thing kindergarteners understand, it’s how to line up. One by one, I carried each child down the street to the bus, which I drove back to Galer Street.

This is why your children were returned to you shoeless, jacketless, covered in mud, and full of fantastic stories.

Now let me speak to you as a PTSD specialist.

“Trauma” can be loosely described as any event a person experiences which he perceives as being a threat to his life. This can take as little as 1/18th of a second. In the immediate aftermath of trauma, children might demonstrate fear or confusion. I took the time to carry each child to the bus so that I had the opportunity to physically connect with them. Research has shown how healing touch can be immediately following trauma, especially with children.

During the walk to the bus, I was able to listen, express curiosity, and simply “be” with each child. I was also able to observe them for early indications of PTSD. I am happy to report that your children appeared to be coping very well. Their greatest concern was whether they’d get their rain gear back, and how it would be returned to them. I answered every question as honestly as I could. I told them we’d do our best to recover their belongings, which would probably be dirty, but the mommies would try to clean them.

The good news is this was a single traumatic incident, and therefore the chances of developing PTSD are minor. The bad news is that PTSD can surface months or even years after an event. I feel it is my responsibility as a doctor to let you know some symptoms of PTSD that may occur in your child:

worry about dying

bed-wetting, nightmares, insomnia

reverting to thumb sucking, baby talk, and diaper wearing

physical complaints for which there is no underlying physical cause

withdrawal from family and friends

refusal to attend school

sadistic, violent behavior



If you notice any of these symptoms now or within the next several years, it is important you immediately notify a specialist and tell them about the events at Audrey Griffin’s house. I’m not saying this will happen. The chances are very much against it.

I have offered Gwen Goodyear my counseling services for both kindergarten classes. We are still weighing whether to have an all-school assembly, a kindergarten-only gathering, or a parent forum to collectively process this traumatic event. I’d like to hear your feedback.

Sincerely,

Helen Derwood, PhD





*


So you understand fully, here’s how freakish the weather was that morning: it was the first time since 9/11 that ferry service was suspended.

Mom and I had breakfast at Macrina, then hit Pike Place Market for our usual Saturday rounds. Mom waited in the car while I ran to the flying fish guy for salmon, Beecher’s for cheese, and the butcher for dog bones.

I was going through an Abbey Road phase because I had just read a book about the last days of the Beatles, and I spent most of breakfast telling Mom about it. For instance, that medley on the second side, it was originally conceived as individual songs. It was Paul’s idea to string them together in the studio. Also, Paul knew exactly what was going on when he wrote, “Boy, you’re going to carry that weight.” It’s about how John wanted the Beatles to break up, but Paul didn’t. Paul wrote, “Boy, you’re going to carry that weight” right at John. He was saying, “We’ve got a good thing going. If this band breaks up, it’s all on you, John. You sure you want to live with that?” And the final instrumental at the end, where the Beatles trade off leads on guitar, and which has Ringo’s only drum solo? You know how it always seems like this tragic, intentional farewell to the fans and you picture the Beatles dressed like hippies playing that last part of Abbey Road all looking at one another, and you think, Oh, man, they must have been crying so hard? Well, that whole instrumental was also constructed by Paul in the studio after the fact, so it’s just a bunch of fake sentimentality.