Where'd You Go, Bernadette(14)
“I didn’t think you would be home,” Audrey sputtered.
“Apparently.” Mom’s voice was superbitchy. It was pretty funny.
Audrey started short-circuiting about our blackberry bushes and her organic garden and the guy who had a friend with a special machine and something that needed to get done this week. Mom just listened, which made Audrey talk even faster.
“I’ll be happy to hire Tom to remove my blackberry bushes,” Mom finally said. “Do you have a card?” A long painful silence as the guy searched his pockets.
“It seems like we’re done,” Mom said to Audrey. “So why don’t you go back through the same hole in the fence you crawled in, and keep out of my cabbage patch.” She spun around and marched back into the Petit Trianon and shut the door.
I was, like, Go Mom! Because here’s the thing. No matter what people say about Mom now, she sure knew how to make life funny.
*
From: Bernadette Fox
To: Manjula Kapoor
Attached, please find information for a fellow who “abates” blackberry vines. (Can you believe there’s such a thing?!) Contact him and tell him to do who-what-when-where-how he needs. I’ll pay for it all.
*
Five minutes later, Mom followed it up with this:
From: Bernadette Fox
To: Manjula Kapoor
I need a sign made. 8 feet wide by 5 feet high. Here’s what I want it to read:
PRIVATE PROPERTY
NO TRESPASSING
Galer Street Gnats
Will Be Arrested
and Hauled Off to Gnat Jail
Make the sign itself the loudest, ugliest red, and the lettering the loudest, ugliest yellow. I’d like it placed on the western edge of my property line, at the bottom of the hill, which will be accessible once we’ve abated the despised blackberries. Make sure the sign is facing toward the neighbor’s yard.
*
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7
From: Manjula Kapoor To: Bernadette Fox
I am confirming that the sign you would like fabricated is eight feet wide by five feet high. The gentleman I have contracted remarked it is unusually large and seems out of proportion for a residential area.
Warm regards,
Manjula
*
From: Bernadette Fox To: Manjula Kapoor
You bet your bindi that’s how big I want it.
*
From: Manjula Kapoor To: Bernadette Fox
Dear Ms. Fox,
The sign has been ordered and will be erected the same day Tom completes the abatement work.
Also, I am pleased to inform you I have found a doctor willing to write a prescription for ABHR cream. The only compound pharmacy in Seattle that will fill it, unfortunately, does not deliver. I inquired about messenger services, but, alas, the pharmacy insists that you pick up the prescription because they are required by law to review the side effects with you in person.
Attached please find the address of the pharmacy and a copy of the prescription.
Warm regards,
Manjula
*
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10
From: Bernadette Fox
To: Manjula Kapoor
I’m heading down to the pharmacy now. Not a terrible thing to be getting out of the house while this infernal machine with spikes, telescoping arms, and vicious rotors is chewing up my hillside and spraying mulch everywhere. Tom has literally lashed himself on top of the beast so he doesn’t get bucked off. I wouldn’t be surprised if it starts spitting fire.
Oh! The fishing vests arrived. Thank you! Already, I’ve tucked away my glasses, car keys, cell phone. I may never take this thing off.
*
From: Soo-Lin Lee-Segal
To: Audrey Griffin
As Ollie-O would say… REAL-TIME FLASH!
I told you I was being made admin of a new team? I just found out the team is Samantha 2, headed by none other than Elgin Branch!
Audrey, my body is a cauldron of emotions right now! When Elgin unveiled Samantha 2 at the TED conference in February, it caused a near riot on the Internet. In less than a year, his is the fourth-most-watched TEDTalk of all time. Bill Gates recently said his favorite project in the whole company is Samantha 2. Last year, Elgin was given a Technical Recognition Award, Microsoft’s highest honor. The Samantha 2 guys, and Elgin in particular, are like rock stars around here. You go over to Studio West and you can tell by their swagger they’re on Samantha 2. I know I’m good at my job, but to be put on Samantha 2 means everyone here knows it, too. It’s a giddy feeling.
Then there’s Elgin Branch himself. His rudeness and arrogance that day on the Connector, it was a slap in the face that still stings. Wait until you hear what happened this morning.
I went to HR to get my new key card and office assignment. (In ten years, this is the first time I’ve had a window office!) I was unpacking my photos, mugs, and snow baby collection when I looked up and saw Elgin Branch across the atrium. He wasn’t wearing any shoes, just socks, which I found odd. I caught his eye and waved. He vaguely smiled, then kept walking.