Until You Loved Me (Silver Springs #3)(74)

He opened his mouth to say something flippant and careless, anything to throw her off the track of what he was really feeling. But to his horror, more tears came instead.

Holding him tighter, she kissed his temple and smoothed back his hair until all the tears were gone and he was too tired to even apologize before drifting off to sleep.

*

Ellie listened to Hudson’s steady breathing. She was blown away by what had just happened, never saw it coming. Hudson wouldn’t even tell her what was wrong, which was why she’d been so shocked when those tears began to fall. Then he’d tensed, trying so hard to reel in his emotions that the opposite had occurred, and those few tears had acted like a crack in a dam that had suddenly given way.

At least he finally seemed calm. She was glad she’d come to bed with him, if only for the companionship and peace it had brought him. But the fact that his state of mind mattered so much to her indicated something she didn’t care to face. She tried to tell herself it was natural to be concerned about the father of her child, but she’d had tears rolling down her own cheeks the entire time he’d been crying. She’d known that if this was happening to such a strong man, he had to be torn up inside, and she couldn’t stand the thought of him feeling so much pain.

Earlier, when she’d questioned him about what was wrong, he’d admitted that it had to do with his childhood. Had one of his foster mothers or fathers died? Had he learned why he was abandoned? Or who’d abandoned him? What?

She was getting in too deep. She needed to go to her own room so they could try to start over in the morning.

Assuming he’d be grateful to forget tonight had ever happened, she inched away from him toward the edge of the mattress. But he must’ve felt the movement, because he woke up and slipped an arm around her waist to anchor her to his side. Whatever had hurt him still lurked under the surface, and he didn’t want to be alone.

Turning so she could put her arms around him again, she kissed his lips, his cheeks, his forehead. “I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered and knew she’d given him the reassurance and comfort he needed when she felt him relax a few seconds later.

What was he dealing with? He had so much—success, physical beauty, talent, money—and yet he seemed listless, empty, even broken. Despite everything he’d achieved, he hadn’t outdistanced his early tragedy, his abandonment. She wanted to give the boy inside him the love he needed, but she couldn’t do that without loving the man, too. And then how would she protect her own heart? Did she dare ignore caution and let go? Give him what she was holding back in the hope that he might one day be able to care for her in return?

God, that was a risk. But when he woke up a few hours later and rolled on top of her, this time for a slow, sweet encounter during which they didn’t even speak, she knew she didn’t have much of a choice.

*

Although Hudson had slept soundly, he felt a measure of reluctance when it was time to get up. Last night probably hadn’t been what Ellie was expecting. Certainly nothing like that had ever happened to him before. He wasn’t even sure how it had happened. One minute he was feeling the power of a strong sexual release; the next he couldn’t staunch the tears clogging his throat and burning his eyes.

He wished he could forget breaking down, pretend it never happened. But Ellie was no longer someone who’d get up and leave and he’d never see again. She was the mother of his child, would be part of his life for the next eighteen to twenty years. He had no choice except to acknowledge his weakness and apologize for it.

Shifting onto his side, he propped his arm under his head. He was just planning what he needed to say when he realized her eyes were already open and she was looking at him. “Sorry about last night,” he said. “I don’t know what got into me.”

She slid her hands, clasped in a prayer-like position, under her cheek. “So you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. Like I said, I don’t know what got into me. I promised you a good time, and then I ruined it. I feel terrible.”

“Men have emotions, too, Hudson. Sometimes it’s better to express what you’re feeling instead of keeping it bottled up. Relieves the pressure.”

Hot embarrassment burned through him. “Not when you’re trying to make love.”

“We were done.”

“What a way to end it, huh?” He attempted a laugh, but she didn’t even crack a smile.

“It was no big deal. I’d rather you be real.”

“Well, I, for one, could live with a little less reality,” he joked.

She continued to study him. “Do you want to tell me why you were so upset?”

“Definitely not. Are you going to push me to talk about it, anyway?”

“No.”

“Good, because I’m not sure I can explain.” It wasn’t only what he’d learned from the PI; it was the accumulation of so many things—all the hurt he’d experienced over his life, especially in his early years. Why it had come pouring out last night wasn’t clear, but he suspected it had something to do with the fact that Ellie was the first person who’d be somewhat permanent in his life. Since she was carrying his child, she couldn’t decide he was too much trouble and walk away, at least not as easily as his foster parents had.

“Then we’ll let it go,” she said.