Uncharted(51)

“Nothing,” I murmur.

“Nothing?” he explodes, hands flinging out. Water droplets fly in all directions. “You call trying to drown yourself nothing?”

My eyes jerk up. “I wasn’t trying to drown myself. I’m not suicidal.”

“From where I was sitting, sure as shit looked like you were. If I hadn’t woken up when I did…” He runs his hands through his hair. The rage fades and a shattered look creeps into his eyes. Seeing his pain, knowing I’m the cause, sends a lance straight through me.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Honestly I just…” My voice is small. “I needed it to stop for a while.”

“God, Violet. I know today feels dark, but that’s not the answer. That’s never the answer.”

“I know.”

He falls to his knees, head bowed, breathing hard. His shoulders are shaking. Before I can stop it, my hand lifts from my side and lands on his skin. With sandy fingertips I stroke the strong tendons at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. He goes stiller than stone.

“You can’t leave me,” he whispers, anguished. “I need you here.”

I suck in a sharp breath. My fingers press harder into his skin.

Beck’s eyes find mine. “He’s gone. But you’re still alive. We’re still alive.” His hand reaches up and drags mine from his shoulder down to rest over his heart. “Feel that?”

I nod at the steady thump-thump-thump against my palm.

He bends my elbow, forcing my hand flat against my own chest.

“Feel that?”

I nod again.

“That’s a gift, Violet. You can’t punish yourself for what happened to Ian. You have to let him go.” He shakes his head. “You know how pissed he would be at you for throwing away your life after you just worked so damn hard, trying to save his?”

“Tried,” I say bitterly. “And failed.”

“You did your best.”

“My best?” My eyes widen. “I didn’t do my best. What I did… it’s damn near criminal. Everything that happened to him is my fault. They should lock me up for murder and throw away the key.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“The leg! The fever. The fear. All of it.” I hunch in on myself. “If I’d just let him go at the beginning, he’d have been spared weeks of pain and suffering.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You’re right, I don’t. I don’t know anything. Maybe that’s the point I’m trying to make here.” My words are thick with disgust. “I’m selfish. I see something I want and rush at it with blind conviction, regardless of who I hurt in the process.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it, though?” My tone is bleak. “My mom didn’t want me to go on this trip. My friends were unbelievably pissed when I said I’d be gone for our last summer before college. My ex-boyfriend tried to talk me out of it on more than one occasion. Did I listen? Nope. Violet does what she does, damn the rest. And look where we are. Look at the consequences.”

“Princess… you may be all powerful, but I don’t think even you can take credit for our plane crashing, unless you’re going to tell me you’re some kind of sea goddess who summoned the storm that night.”

His soft words work their way under my skin like a healing salve, soothing me, easing some of the blame from my shoulders. I feel the self-loathing slipping out of my hands, and clutch ever tighter rather than feel the other emotions crowding in behind it, eager for their chance to occupy my mind.

The sadness. The grief. The pain.

Can’t I just stay numb?

“Well?” Beck prompts impatiently. “Are you a descendant of Poseidon or not?”

“Fine. So I didn’t bring down the plane,” I admit. “You want to hear a real gem? My mom isn’t even a doctor. She’s a veterinarian, for god’s sake! I lied so I could convince you to help me cut off Ian’s leg. I was so sure of myself, I didn’t care if it meant manipulating my way to get there. What we did to him… What I did to him…” I laugh without humor. “Christ, the closest thing my Mom’s ever done was treat a horse with a broken leg. And after all the pretty splints she made, the owner still came outside, took one look at the poor beast, and shot it dead.”

“Let me get this straight.” His eyebrows furrow until his scar turns white. “You think you manipulated me into helping? You think I sat there that day and said to myself, ‘Huh, this babysitter has a few years of CPR certification under her belt, seems petty qualified to amputate this guy’s limb!’ Give me a little credit, Violet. I knew you were making it up as you went. I was right there by your side, the whole time. You want to blame someone? Blame me. I could’ve talked you out of it. I could’ve said no. But I looked into your eyes and I saw the same thing that’s there every damn time you look up at me. Blind courage. Raw strength. I don’t know where it comes from, or how you keep finding deeper reserves within yourself, but you do. Anyone else would’ve fallen apart long before this. And I don’t just mean any teenage girl — I mean anyone. The toughest soldiers in the Afghan army, the baddest special forces guys in the desert. You put them all to shame without even trying.”