Tragic Beauty (Beauty & The Darkness #1)(51)
“I suppose in some ways, I should thank you,” he says, his voice quiet. “When I look in the mirror, my outsides match my insides now. So I don’t have to pretend anymore. Well, not like I was ever as nice as I was pretty, but…I won’t have to deal with all those silly girls that only saw a handsome face, always trying to get me to notice them, go out with them. Stupid cunts, all of them. They had no idea who I really was.” He leans in close again. “But you knew, didn’t you, Ava? You’ve always known. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been so drawn to you. Always wanted to get inside you, because you’ve always been inside me.”
He places a kiss on my temple, then slides his hand around the back of my neck. “So delicate,” he mutters. “So delicate, I could crush you, with barely any effort. Do you know how hard I had to hold myself back in those early days? I was so angry, Ava. So damn angry. I knew I’d kill you if I wasn’t careful. And how I wanted to kill that fucker that got you first. I was more torn up about that then what he did to my face, can you believe that? Maybe not at first, but…once I got used to my new look, I moved past it. But I could never get over the idea that he had you first.” His hand tightens around my neck, stealing the air. “I waited so damn long for you, Ava. So damn long.” The mountains fade into the background, nothing but a blur as my lungs begin to starve while I try to keep calm, keep my pulse low. He keeps holding and holding, until I feel the life start to slip away, then he loosens and my lungs fill once more.
It’s a game we’ve played before. It’s a game he plays now.
“I’ve been lost to you since that day on the playground,” he says, tightening his hold again. “But I think the time I really got to hurting over you, was that time on the bus. Remember that? I was sitting in the back with Red, like always, when you walked on the bus that first day back at school. You must’ve been what, eleven, I think? And how you’d changed over the summer. I swear the breath emptied out of my lungs watching you walk down the aisle. You’d started combing your hair, and it hung down all silky around your shoulders, just like it does now. And you were wearing that peach dress, that was so worn out that when the morning sun came shining through the windows, it revealed the parts of you beneath. And I swear, Ava, a whimper left my mouth at the sight of you.”
His grip loosens, then he locks his fingers tight around me again and nuzzles my ear. “You were so damn beautiful,” he whispers, “with that pale hair and those shy, blue eyes, and you’re skin had turned all golden from summertime. You were still as small as a breath of fresh air, but you were starting to fill out, starting to become the woman you are now. And everybody else saw it too, didn’t they? All the boys with their mouths hanging open, and all those mean girls with the nasty looks. And I watched you look for a seat up front, knowing you didn’t want to be anywhere near me. But no one would let you sit next to them, would they? You had to walk to the back and slide into a seat just a couple up from where I was. I could see the little beads of sweat on your skin, not from the heat, but because I knew that’s what I did to you. And when you slid into that seat, I watched you press yourself tight against the side, trying to huddle yourself up, knowing I’d come for you. And I did, didn’t I? I couldn’t help myself around you. I could never help myself around you.”
He sighs and leans his head against mine and relaxes his hold, only to cinch it back up. “So I slid up in the seat behind you and hung my arms over the front, letting them dangle by your side. I could tell your breathing changed. Got short and tight. Almost like it is now, but that’s because I’m choking you. But back then, I can’t tell you how much I loved knowing I could affect you like that. I tried talking to you, but, like always, you just ignored me and kept staring out the window. But you still weren’t talking anyways then, were you? Nah, your parents had fucked you up good, by then. So I just hung out with you, smelled your hair, smelled you. That got me needing to be closer to you, so I got up and slid in the seat with you. That’s when you really tensed, wasn’t it? I put my arm around you, like I was making myself at home. I couldn’t help myself, Ava, I swear.”
His fingers slowly let go, then close back around me, my head feeling light and airy. “Then I tried talking to you again, even though I knew you wouldn’t answer. And when I leaned in and tried to touch your cheek, you jerked away. Remember that? That’s when I heard that little fucker laugh. Travis, I think. That was his name. It was like an explosion went off inside me. I was out of the seat and on him—and I was getting big by then too. I got him wedged down on the floor and starting kicking the life out of him. I couldn’t stop. Red was at me, trying to pull me off, but I was like a lion on a carcass. And that’s when I heard it. Everyone heard it. Your voice. Like an angel. Saying, ‘Stop.’ Just barely a whisper, but I heard it. It cut through the haze and I turned around to see you standing in your seat, your little hands clutching the seat in front of you for balance. ‘Stop,’ you said again, so damn soft. It was the prettiest sound I’d ever heard. Once you knew I wasn’t lost on Travis anymore, you sat back down and got to staring out the window again, but I couldn’t do anything but just stand there, looking at you. Finally, I got myself to moving and came in close—so close to you—and I whispered, ‘About time you spoke.’ Remember that?”