Tragic Beauty (Beauty & The Darkness #1)(22)

“No,” he answers. “Had to go through six auditions. But in the end, I guess they liked me. And I liked it, too. It gave me something fighting never could.”

“What do you mean?”

His touch runs across the top of my nipple, making me gasp. “It allowed me to be someone else,” he says, a faraway distance in his voice. “Anyone else, but me.”

“But…why would you want that?”

His lashes rise and fall in slow motion, dark fans that frame his eyes—eyes that appear to drift further and further away. I’m about to take the question back, when he says, “I killed my father.”

My breath catches in my throat, and I watch through tears as Gavin keeps staring at my breast that he continues to fondle absently. “I was fifteen,” he continues. “And he was…a mess. Awful temper, abusive childhood, alcoholic, you name it. He wasn’t all bad, though. Had a decent side, too. It came out mostly when we were working cattle together, or he was teaching me how to mend a fence, or doing things around the ranch. I think it made him feel useful, proud, you know, working his land with his son. But when something set him off, fuck…he was…uncontrollable. He was a big man too. And so damn strong.” He pauses for a moment, blinking slowly. “He took his anger out on me and my mom for years, until finally, one day, I snapped. It was a perfect storm, more or less, and I knew before it happened, that it wasn’t going to end well. I didn’t mean to kill him. I just…just wanted to stop him, is all.”

“Oh, Gavin.” I reach up and run my fingers along his temple.

“It’s odd, really. I think in some ways, he was waiting for me to be old enough and strong enough to fight back. When he died, he had this peaceful look on his face, like he was finally free or something.”

I watch Gavin’s face morph into that of a confused little boy, struggling to sort through and make sense of a tortured past. He looks down at the inside of his left wrist, at the tattoo marks I saw earlier. “That’s when I got the first one of these,” he says. “Each mark is a time I’ve lost control.” He takes in a breath and sighs. “I don’t know how to explain it, Ava. It’s like there’s this demon inside me—this blind rage—and when it gets loose, it just takes control of me. Over the years, I’ve learned to contain it, to feed it things, dark things, things that seem to keep it at bay, but there are times when it gets away from me. And when it does, there’s nothing I can do about it. God help anyone who’s near me when it happens.”

Then I remember what he said to me.

You test my control, Ava.

“Is that what you were trying to protect me from? Your demon?”

I thread my fingers into his hair and he turns to me, his eyes somber. “It hasn’t been just men I’ve lost it on.”

He waits, like he’s expecting judgment. And while I can’t help but wonder what he’s done, I take his hand and press my lips to his tattoo, letting him know it doesn’t change anything. Doesn’t change anything at all.

He blinks and swallows hard, then turns away, but I press my hand to his cheek and bring him back to me. There’s so much sadness in his face, so much pain.

“I haven’t talked about this, to anyone,” he says.

He stares at me for a moment, looking deep into my eyes, then he’s suddenly on top of me, straddling me, his hands pinning my arms above my head, his eyes filled with a darkness that mirrors his past. “Tell me,” he demands. “Tell me what you were doing tonight in that dress. Why were you headed out so far from home by yourself?”

A lump forms in my throat, followed by a yearning to tell him everything, especially after all he’s revealed to me, but I can’t. I just can’t. One question will certainly follow another. Nothing good can come from it. But I can give him something. I can give him an honest answer.

“The truth?” I ask.

He nods, jaw tense, as though bracing for something he’s not going to want to hear.

“I was searching…for you.”

Confusion builds in his eyes as they narrow, trying to determine if I’m lying or not.

“It’s the truth, Gavin. I know it’s hard to make sense of, but I swear it.”

His jaw tightens, but by the look on his face, he knows I’m not lying. “That’s all I’m going to get out of you, isn’t it?”

I nod.

He growls and flips me onto my stomach. I hear the drawer yank open, followed by the tear of a plastic wrapper. A second later, he jerks me onto my hands and knees, and then enters me with a violent lunge. I shriek, the angle so much different, so much deeper.

“You drive me fucking crazy, you know that?” His voice is a razors edge, slicing through me while he thrusts into me again. “One night with you! One night and I’m telling you my deepest, darkest secrets…and still, you evade me.”

He takes me roughly, with such force my cries shatter the room. If it was a game before, it isn’t a game now. This is real. This is punishment. I give to the demon, accepting my penance while the tears bleed out. The word Oscar flitters through my mind, but I stow it away. I won’t take this from him. I won’t take what’s rightfully his.

Despite the pain, a surge of pleasure begins to build within my core. My cries turn to moans, my whimpers to gasps.