Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything(82)
In my research, I’ve mapped out thirty-two different types of messages that affirm success. (It’s a grid framework with four rows and eight columns.) For example, recognizing that someone has reached a personal best is one of the thirty-two ways to affirm success. You’ve done your best job ever! Another way is to help people see that they did something better than anyone else.
Some people will feel more Shine from the first approach; other people will feel more Shine from being better than others.
If you know what message type creates the most Shine for each member of your group, you can use this power to help them wire in habits and perform better and better.
Here are a few more elements from my framework written as though I’m giving feedback to a student.
You have shown remarkable consistency in your homework
You got a perfect score on the exam
Despite the terrible score on your first exam, you really came back strong this time
You are learning this material faster than anyone else in class
You improved your score more than anyone else in the class
Check out all of my thirty-two messages that affirm success in the back of the book. But also pay attention to everyday life to learn more. When you give positive feedback, what has the biggest impact? Try different approaches and see what happens.
People react differently to how messages are framed, but I’ve learned that there is one approach that applies to everyone.
What I’m sharing next can be used in powerful ways, both good and bad. This is the first time I’m sharing it in written form. Please use what’s next only for the most noble of purposes.
The feedback that has the most emotional power has two characteristics: It relates to a domain you care about, and it’s in an area where you feel uncertain. I created a graphic to show this overlapping space that I call the Power Zone.
Feedback Power Zone
Any feedback you give someone in the Power Zone will be amplified because they care about the subject and are uncertain. That means you can inspire huge Shine or cast serious shade. Suppose you see a new mom trying to calm her baby. She wants to be a “good” mom, and because she is new to this, she is uncertain. If you say, That’s a good technique! That’s what my sister used to do with her babies and she’s the best mom I know, she will beam with Shine.
On the other hand, think of the impact of saying, Do you want me to try? It looks like your baby is pretty upset. Oops. To a new mom, the implication underlying this interaction is crystal clear—you’re doing it wrong. This statement is in the Power Zone, but it’s negative and will probably be extra hurtful. And this mom would never forget you—for all the wrong reasons.
One of my personal themes for the last year has been to “strengthen others in all my interactions.” And I even have a beautiful painting in my home office with these words on it (thanks, Stephanie). I apply my research insights in pursuing this aspiration, and I try to strengthen others by giving well-timed feedback to people around me: when one of my students gives her first presentation in class, when my partner cooks a new dish, and when someone phones me with a question about my work. In all these situations, I have a huge opportunity to strengthen these people—they care about a topic, and they are uncertain. All I have to say is something positive that is sincere. Too often people give negative feedback in vulnerable situations. The start of your presentation was too slow. This fish is a little dry; how long did you cook it? I can tell from your question that you really haven’t read my work.
Yikes. Don’t do that.
Be a good Ninja.
7. TROUBLESHOOT AND ITERATE TOGETHER
Now we arrive at the last step in Behavior Design. Always embrace iteration, whether designing for a one-time behavior or a habit. If something doesn’t work as well as you’d like, take specific steps to troubleshoot.
The Ringleader
When you lead your group in a change process, tell people well in advance that the first attempts to create habits may not work out. Explain that creating lasting change is like buying shoes. The first pair you try on might not be an ideal fit. This analogy sets the proper expectations, and you won’t lose credibility if your first designs as Ringleader don’t pan out. Expect to correct your course along the way.
Explain the troubleshooting order based on the Behavior Model. If our attempts to create this habit don’t work, we will troubleshoot, starting with the prompt. And we won’t blame ourselves for lack of motivation or willpower. What we are doing is all about design—and redesign. If we need to tap into willpower, we are doing it wrong.
If we revise the prompt and make the behavior as simple as possible, and we still don’t succeed, we’ll back up and pick a different behavior—one that we actually want to do.
The Ninja
If you’re troubleshooting a group behavior Ninja-style, you can bring in the Behavior Model in a new way. As usual, start with the prompt. Then look at ability. And then—as a last resort—fuss with motivation. In the best scenario, you skip motivation and rematch the group with a new behavior that they are already motivated to do.
The graphic version of the Behavior Model can clarify what steps a Ninja should take or avoid. Let’s imagine you’re in charge of getting people signed up for the company walking program. You invite people to join a thirty-day challenge, and the response is terrible. Fewer than 2 percent join.