Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything(41)

When I called her recently to ask for her help on a project, she told me that she and her ex-husband had just cohosted their youngest daughter’s graduation party. I told her that this was great but also kind of mind-blowing. She laughed a little, and said, “Trust me, BJ, no one is more shocked than we are.” I asked her how she thought it happened, and she told me that it had to do with compassion. By using his negative behavior to prompt positive behavior on her part, she became happier and more capable of compassion. When she moved out of that place of shame and discouragement, she was able to think more clearly. She realized that her ex hadn’t spent as much time developing his skills for getting along with people as she had. During their marriage, she had been the social buffer for his moods. So he had to figure all that out on his own when they divorced. Amy knew that this was hard for him, and she found compassion for him.

As human beings, we have instincts that tell us how someone feels about us even if they’re not being explicit. Amy thinks her husband sensed the attitude shift and the compassion behind it, and started to make his own changes. She also told me that this was totally unintended. When she created her self-care habit, she was simply trying to protect herself and change a terrible situation.

This is what happens when you hone a skill and let yourself experiment with it in new and wonderful ways. Amy’s using prompts to problem-solve and flip the script on her husband’s behavior was a unique and creative fix. What is not unique about Amy’s story is the cascading effect that this initial positive habit had on other people and her own life.

Why it rippled out so positively is the underlying secret to why Tiny Habits works so beautifully: People change best by feeling good, not by feeling bad. Amy set herself up for success by thoughtfully using prompts to design changes. Those changes worked because they helped her do what she already wanted to do. And that success? That felt good. So she kept chasing that feeling and felt increasingly confident that she could bring good things into her life by designing for them. Her ability to make behaviors easy to do and her willingness to play with prompts increased, which made starting new habits a snap. The ease of that process increased her motivation and made her more likely to try new, seemingly difficult things.

But there is one more reason that Amy was so successful.

She took one last step to dial in the good vibrations. She would create positive emotions, on the spot, by using a technique she had learned from the Tiny Habits method. She celebrated. And that’s our next topic.

In the chapter that follows, I will share a technique for hacking your brain to give you the power to create habits quickly and easily.



Tiny Exercises to Find Prompts for Your New Habits





EXERCISE #1: FIND YOUR ANCHORS


A list of habits (or routines) you do each day is a valuable resource. You can use any reliable habit on your list as a prompt—an Anchor—for a new habit.



I broke a full workday into various parts in the steps below to help you create a big list.



Step 1: List all the daily habits you do in the morning, before you arrive at work.



Step 2: List all the daily habits you do before lunch.



Step 3: List all the daily habits you do during lunch.



Step 4: List all the daily habits you do right after lunch. (If you’re like most people, you may not have many reliable habits in the afternoon. That’s okay.)



Step 5: List all the daily habits you do to wrap up your day at work. (You might have only a few, but they make great Anchors for new habits.)



Step 6: List all the daily habits you do after you leave work (including those at home).



Step 7: List all the daily habits you do just before you go to bed.



Step 8: Save your list. You’ll use it in the next exercise.





EXERCISE #2: CREATE TINY HABIT RECIPES BY USING YOUR LIST OF EXISTING HABITS


One fast and effective way to create new habits is to start with your existing daily habits, then find a new habit that would naturally follow. In the previous exercise, you created a big list of daily habits. That’s good. You will use that list now.



Step 1: Pick one reliable habit from your list of habits that you never forget to do.



Step 2: Think about what new habits could naturally follow this one. Come up with a few ideas.



Step 3: Pick the new habit you like most from step 2. Write out a recipe in the Tiny Habits format: After I ———, I will ———.



Step 4: Repeat steps 1 through 3 for two more reliable habits to -create two more recipes for Tiny Habits. (By working on three -habits at once, you will learn more.)



Step 5: Start practicing your new habits. (Don’t be too serious or uptight about it. Dive in and have fun.)





EXERCISE #3: CREATE PEARL HABITS TO DEAL WITH IRRITANTS IN YOUR LIFE


This exercise is about creating something valuable from an irritant.



Step 1: List at least ten things that often happen to you that irritate you (a long line, a noisy motorcycle, a barking dog next door).



Step 2: Select the most frequent and annoying thing on your list.



Step 3: Explore new, beneficial habits you could do after the annoyance. Come up with at least five options.