This Time Next Year(99)

‘Minnie?’

Minnie jumped, dropping the leaf. She looked up to see Quinn standing in front of her.

‘Oh, you scared me,’ she said, clutching a hand to her chest.

Quinn wore a thick green woollen jumper, a camel coat and dark navy jeans. She hadn’t seen him for months. When you see someone often, you can forget to take in what they look like – they just become a configuration of features and foibles. Then, after an absence, you see them again as though for the very first time. With Quinn, this was like a sledgehammer hitting you with how handsome he was.

‘Sorry, you were looking very intently at that leaf,’ said Quinn, with a cautious smile.

Minnie looked for the leaf she had dropped. She picked it up and put it in her pocket.

‘It’s a great leaf,’ she said, then berated herself for saying something so stupid.

‘I didn’t think you’d come,’ said Quinn.

‘I got your letter,’ said Minnie, ‘but I didn’t know when you’d sent it. It got a bit … damaged.’

‘Oh,’ Quinn looked relieved. ‘I sent it three weeks ago, but I still come here every week, on the off-chance I might run into you.’

He fell into step next to Minnie as they walked down the tree-lined avenue.

‘I tried to call you, then I couldn’t get through. I didn’t want to turn up on your doorstep but I … I needed to explain … ’ Quinn paused; he was nervous.

Minnie scuffed up a pile of leaves with her feet and it gave a satisfying crunch. She stayed quiet, letting him talk.

‘I guess I’m a bit of a screw-up, Minnie. I have issues with feeling needed,’ Quinn blinked and thrust his hands into his pockets. They both walked with their eyes on the path ahead. It was sometimes easier to speak when you weren’t looking at someone. ‘I think I’ve grown up with a messed-up view of what love is. I thought it was love that destroyed my mother, but I realise now, it wasn’t that.’ Quinn shook his head.

‘Sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching, Quinn,’ Minnie said.

‘I have,’ he frowned. ‘I started seeing a therapist at the beginning of the year, started talking through some stuff I’ve never talked about before. I quit after a few months, though; thought I could handle it myself. Then, running out on you like that, I knew I had to go back. I don’t want to be that person, Minnie, not any more. I’ve finally come to a few important decisions.’

‘Like what?’

‘I need to move away from Primrose Hill. I need to apologise to you for the way I behaved. I need to start being open to letting people in.’

In her peripheral vision, Minnie could see him looking sideways at her with hopeful eyes. She kept her eyes on the path ahead.

‘Is this some therapy thing where you go around apologising to all the girls you’ve ghosted?’ Quinn made a short ‘huh’ exhaling sound. ‘I understand if you need to get on. It must be a very long list.’ Minnie elbowed him gently.

‘That’s not what this is. I meant every word I wrote in that letter. I knew I’d done the wrong thing the second I left your flat, but I couldn’t start something with you, Minnie, not until I knew I could do it properly.’ He stopped in his tracks and she turned to face him. He tapped a fist against his chest. ‘From the minute I met you, you’ve burrowed your way in here like a song stuck in my head. I can’t get you out.’

‘That must be very annoying,’ said Minnie with a little shake of her head.

‘It’s not annoying.’

‘Well, that’s not a good analogy then, because getting a song stuck in your head is incredibly annoying.’

‘Not if you like the song.’

‘Especially if you like the song. Best way to ruin a good song, having it go round and round in your head all day. It ruined Pharrell’s “Happy” for me.’

Quinn reached out to take Minnie’s hands. ‘OK, it’s a bad analogy. Look, I’m clearly no good at this.’ Quinn let out a sharp exhale of frustration, then took a breath and tried again. ‘Minnie, you were like this light coming into my life – you dazzle me. But your light also made me see all these shadows in my own life, shadows I finally realised I had to deal with.’ He frowned. ‘You see how I’ve moved from song to light analogies?’

‘Better,’ Minnie nodded, her mouth twitching into a smile.

‘I’ve only ever kept people at arm’s length before. With you, as soon as we talked, you refused to be arm’s length, you were right here.’ He put a palm over his chest. ‘Look, I don’t know what I’m asking. I guess I’m saying I might screw up, but I want to give it a chance. I think I love you, if that doesn’t sound too nuts.’

He looked up at Minnie – his eyes meeting hers, willing for her to say something.

Minnie felt her stomach tense. This was everything she’d wanted to hear – two months ago. He was saying he was ready to take a leap off a high board with her, but for some reason, she no longer felt prepared to jump. She squeezed her hands into balls. Hadn’t she expected this? Didn’t she know from the letter that he’d changed his mind? But when she heard him say it out loud, her first instinct was to step back, not leap in.

‘I’m glad you’ve worked through some things, Quinn, and it doesn’t sound nuts – I felt the same about you.’