This Time Next Year(103)

She had been shopping yesterday and stocked up on all her favourite food. Bev had offered to keep her company this evening, but Minnie said no, she was happier holed up in her flat alone. To be clear, this wasn’t a fearful hiding-from-the-world kind of bunking down; this was simply an I’d-rather-be-at-home-watching-Netflix-in-my-owl-pyjamas-because-I’m-exhausted-after-yesterday kind of bunking down. On one of their park walks, when Minnie had told Quinn about her New Year superstition, he’d called her ‘selectively agoraphobic’. This wasn’t that, this was hashtag self-care. Loads of people stayed in on New Year’s Eve, it wasn’t a big deal.

This time last year she’d taken a sleeping pill just to get through her birthday. That wasn’t going to happen this year. Tomorrow she had plans; she was going for lunch with her family.

Was she anxious about it, already catastrophising about all the things that might go wrong at such a lunch? Yes, OK she was, but that didn’t mean she was going to cancel. It didn’t mean she was going to stay in and hide. So much had changed for Minnie this year, but facing the New Year’s jinx was the ultimate test.

One thing at a time, she thought. Get through tonight, then get through tomorrow, then she could stop just trying to get through. She could start living.

She scrolled through the list of films she had flagged as possible downloads to watch tonight; Working Girl, Erin Brockovich, The Iron Lady – OK, so maybe she’d gone too far with a theme here, but she didn’t want to sit here on her own watching Sleepless in Seattle.

She was fine. She was fine on her own. She didn’t need a man to make her life complete. She didn’t want the cliché ‘you complete me’ ending. She was finally on an even keel and someone like Quinn would definitely rock the boat. She smiled, imagining what Quinn would say about her matching boat metaphors.

No, it wasn’t worth the risk. Sure, they’d have amazing sex for a few months – Minnie cleared a frog from her throat as she imagined it. Right here where she was sitting, this is where they had almost … she bit her lip thinking about it. Yes, of course it would be mind-blowing, life-affirming, house-screaming-down-to-the-point-of-the-neighbours-complaining sex, but then what? Her mind went to Lucy’s article in the paper. All his old commitment issues would creep back to the surface; he’d feel awkward about ending things; she’d have her heart broken and this safe new life she had built for herself would crumble like crops after a nuclear catastrophe. No, it was safer to leave things as they were. In any case, she had no reason to believe he was still even an option. Just because she still thought about him, didn’t mean he felt the same as he had a few months ago.

And yet.

Leila’s words banged against the inside of her skull, ‘If he’s still in your head, it’s worth taking the risk.’ Clearly Minnie still thought about him. She noticed things she knew he’d find funny. With all the new ideas for the business, it was his opinion she craved. Whenever her mother talked about her trips to see Tara, she found herself angling for news of him.

The time she had spent with Quinn had changed something. It was as though in all her previous relationships she’d been wearing a suit of armour, this barrier skin. With Quinn she felt laid bare, he saw who she really was. Yet she also remembered how low she’d felt when he’d bailed on her, how fragile and vulnerable. When she felt emotions like that, she was transported right back to those hellish years at school.

Minnie wondered what Quinn was doing now. Maybe she could call him. She could just be friendly; he’d said they could be friends. She could just call him, perhaps invite him over, just see. It was nine o’clock on New Year’s Eve; he would be out at a party. Before she could talk herself out of it, she scrolled down to his name in her phone and dialled his number. He’d get a missed call and then he’d know she’d tried to—

‘Hello?’

‘Oh, hi,’ she said, surprised he had picked up.

‘Minnie?’

It sounded loud where he was, windy or aeroplanes overhead. Music was playing.

‘Yeah, I just – um – I thought I’d call you to say Happy Birthday, even though I’m a few hours early. I didn’t know where you’d be tomorrow and—’

Why had she called without working out what she was going to say? What did she want to say?

‘I’m so glad you called,’ he said. It sounded as though he’d walked away from the source of the noise.

‘I’ve been thinking about what you said,’ she said.

‘You have?’

‘I don’t know.’ Minnie pressed her eyes closed. ‘I still don’t know. I just – I miss you … ’

‘Minnie, my battery is about to go, it’s bleeping at me. I’m getting on a boat with some friends – a party on the Thames, we leave from Westminster Pier in an hour.’ He paused. ‘Come, jump in a cab and come join me.’

‘I can’t.’

‘I’m not asking for you to decide anything. Let’s just spend New Year with each other, let’s do the countdown together.’

‘Not tonight,’ she said, ‘but maybe we could hang out on the second when all this New Year stuff is over?’

The line went quiet for a moment.

‘The jinx is still keeping you indoors.’ He sounded disappointed.