This Could Change Everything(32)

‘Good for you,’ said Essie.

‘I told him I was going to visit an old school friend in Brighton for a couple of days, and that’s what I did. She said I was welcome to stay with her for as long as I wanted. So forty-eight hours later I caught the train back to London to collect some of my things and tell Richard I was moving out for good. I can’t describe how relieved I felt that I was finally doing something . . . I was really looking forward to it.’ Even now, Zillah could recall every moment of that train journey, fuelled by adrenalin and determination. ‘Except when I got back to the house, it was empty, and an hour later two police constables arrived on the doorstep to tell me Richard was dead. He’d been driving like a complete maniac as usual, and had skidded going round a corner and smashed into a bridge. It turned out he’d been on his way to meet up with yet another of his floozies. Well, he didn’t make it, was killed outright. The funeral was interesting,’ she said drily. ‘There was practically a girlfriend in every pew, all weeping and wailing and doing their best to convince themselves they were the one Richard had liked best.’

‘God, and what was that like for you?’ Essie’s green eyes were like saucers. ‘How did it make you feel?’

‘Me? Confused, guilty, relieved. I’d loved him to begin with. But he’d turned out to be not the nicest man after all. And now I was the grieving widow. The very wealthy grieving widow,’ Zillah added. ‘You’d think that would make me happier, wouldn’t you? But it actually made me feel worse. The guilt was just awful. I was twenty-four years old and no longer needed to go through a tricky divorce. Oh, and I was also a millionaire.’

Essie nodded at the portrait hanging on the wall. ‘You were beautiful, too.’

‘I was,’ Zillah said simply. ‘The next couple of years were pretty scary. I was having to fend off any number of advances from charming young men, because now it was my turn to be a catch.’

It was late, but neither of them was remotely tired. Zillah poured them both another drink and Essie helped herself to more Cambozola from the fridge.

‘Go on then,’ Essie prompted when she sat back down. ‘Tell me about husband number two. How did you meet him?’

‘OK, I’m a bit ashamed of this one.’ But she’d decided to tell the whole story, so Zillah put down her glass and prepared to be honest. ‘You know how sometimes you see a beautiful dress in a shop window and you set your heart on it because you’ve managed to convince yourself that this is the dress that will make you happy?’

‘I know that feeling,’ said Essie.

‘Then you finally buy it and carry it home and try it on and look at yourself in the mirror.’ Zillah paused. ‘And you feel your heart sink a bit, because it doesn’t look as fantastic as you thought it might.’

‘Oh.’ Essie nodded sympathetically.

‘But the thing is, you can’t take it back to the shop. You have to wear it all the time, for years and years, even though it’s now your least favourite dress.’ Zillah reached across for her glass and took a sip of cognac. ‘Well, that was Matthew.’

Poor Matthew.

‘But it wasn’t your fault,’ Essie protested. ‘You thought you liked him at first. Otherwise you wouldn’t have married him. That’s nothing to be ashamed of!’

‘I know. Sadly, that wasn’t it. The shameful part is that he had a sweet girlfriend before I came along and decided he was the one for me.’

‘Oh.’ Essie sat up, enthralled. ‘Wow. What happened?’

‘I don’t feel good about it. When I think back, I kind of despise myself. Have you ever seen Gone with the Wind?’

‘Are you serious? I love that film.’

‘Well the best way I can describe what happened is by saying I was self-centred Scarlett O’Hara and lovely Alice was Melanie Wilkes. Everyone adored her. She was kind and thoughtful and always helping other people. Like an angel. Whereas I was struggling to trust anyone at all. I wanted to be happy again, but I knew I couldn’t let myself get involved with someone like Richard. I needed to find a man I could trust, who would support me and never make me miserable. So I looked around at everyone I knew, and decided to find myself someone as kind and genuine and trustworthy as Matthew Carter. I wanted a man who would adore me as much as he adored Alice. But the months passed and no one else matched up to him. And the more I watched Matthew and Alice together, the more I found myself being drawn to him. In my mind, he became my perfect man.’ Zillah stopped and shook her head, disparaging herself. ‘Well, Alice was called away to York to look after an aunt who was poorly, and I invited Matthew to go along with me to a country-house party. Poor man, he had no chance. By then, I’d made up my mind. I told him how I felt about him and it blew his world apart.’

‘He could have turned you down,’ said Essie.

‘He did try. But it was one of those nights. I seduced him, and after that there was no going back. He’d betrayed Alice and there was a good chance she’d get to hear about it. Not from me,’ Zillah said hastily. ‘But a couple of other people at the party saw him leaving my room the following morning, and that was the kind of gossip no one could resist passing on. Poor Alice, I can’t imagine how devastated she must have been. Matthew ended their relationship and told her he was in love with me.’