This Could Change Everything(30)

‘Wow, you’re a bundle of laughs, aren’t you? Ever thought of chilling out and having a bit of fun instead? No, clearly not. I tell you what, I feel sorry for whoever you spent Christmas with. They must have had a whale of a time with you.’

Behind the bar, Lucas was finding the exchange hilarious. Evidently far more interested in discovering what might happen next than in calming the situation, he said, ‘Now this is what I call love at first sight.’

God, the thought of it. Just imagine. Conor said to the loud woman, ‘And I wonder how your Christmas Day companions enjoyed themselves? Were they by any chance wearing earplugs?’

The woman gave him an up-close killer stare. ‘I needed to raise my voice to be heard over the sound of your sighing.’

Conor looked over at Lucas, who was spluttering with laughter. ‘When you’re ready, could I have a pint of Guinness and a brandy and Babycham?’

Which was, of course, the very worst thing he could have said. The loud woman threw back her head and gave an ear-splitting screech like a parrot. ‘Ha ha, of course that’s what he drinks! Why am I not surprised?’

Ignoring her, Conor addressed Lucas. ‘It’s for Mary. I wasn’t sure if you sold Babycham, but I said I’d ask.’

‘We don’t, but I can do a mixture of brandy, lemonade and Prosecco. Might do the trick. Thanks,’ Lucas said as the intolerable woman in the waspy dress finally paid for her glasses of wine.

‘My pleasure.’ She leaned against the marble-topped bar and surveyed Lucas with open appreciation. ‘Can I just ask, are you single by any chance?’

She was doing it deliberately now, Conor thought, just to keep him waiting. ‘No, he isn’t single. And if he were, I don’t imagine—’ No, no. He stopped himself in the nick of time, didn’t utter the words that had been on the brink of tumbling out. What was happening to him? He was a good person, he had standards, and he wasn’t going to let his irritation with wasp woman get the better of him.

‘Wise decision.’ She raised her glass in an ironic toast. ‘Seeing as a drink chucked in the face often offends. Bye, Mr Stroppy.’

She squeezed past Conor and headed over to the other end of the room. Which, with a bit of luck, was where she would stay.

The good news was that Mary greatly approved of her Babycham substitute.

‘Mmm, takes me back, that does.’ She smacked her lips together and took another glug. ‘I’m having such a good time, love. Haven’t had this much fun since my first husband’s funeral.’

Which caused Zillah, next to Conor, to splutter into her drink. ‘My first husband’s funeral was like that too.’

‘Get the worst one out of the way first, that’s my motto.’ Mary pulled a face. ‘I mean, I know we shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but I reckon we get special dispensation when they really deserve it. How many times have you been married, my love? I’ve done it twice.’

‘Three times for me,’ said Zillah.

‘Amateurs.’ Jethro’s gold tooth glinted as he took another swallow of Guinness. ‘I’ve had four wives.’

Essie, weaving between them as she collected empty glasses, exchanged a look with Conor. ‘I feel like such an underachiever.’

‘Stick with me, darlin’,’ said Jethro. ‘Play yer cards right and you could be number five.’

A couple of hours later, Conor was talking to Zillah when he felt a gust of warm breath on the back of his neck, followed by a noisy sigh.

Seriously, was this woman for real? Ignoring her, he continued his conversation until she tapped him on the shoulder.

Quite hard.

He turned. ‘Yes?’

‘OK, stop trying to think of smart comebacks and just listen to me for a moment. We’re off now. But before we go, I need to tell you that I’m actually not a complete monster. I asked the good-looking guy behind the bar if you’re single and he told me you are. So I wanted to ask if you’d—’

‘Look, I’m sorry,’ Conor blurted out before she could say it, ‘but no. Really, no.’ God, what a nightmare; he couldn’t believe this was happening. ‘Sometimes you just know when something wouldn’t work out, and this is one of those times.’

Urgh, not a chance in hell.

‘Ha, you seriously think I meant me? You thought I was asking you out? No way, Mr Stroppy, not in a million years! Listen to me, and this time try not to jump to barking-mad conclusions.’ The loud woman held up her hand like a traffic cop. ‘You might not be my idea of a hot date, but I have a friend who I think might be perfect for you. She goes for your type. And I reckon she’d be your type too. Believe me, I’m good at this,’ she continued before Conor had a chance to react. ‘I’ve done it before. You live here in Bath, yeah?’

‘Yes, but—’

‘I’ll bring her along next week. Can’t do Sunday, so it’ll have to be Saturday. Make sure you’re here by eight, OK? And don’t be late.’

Conor stared at her. ‘What makes you think I’d even want to do that?’

‘Because you’d be an idiot not to.’ The woman was utterly confident. ‘Just go with it. You might not like me, but you can trust me. I know what I’m doing and I’m always right.’