They Wish They Were Us(40)

So, I sat back and stared out the window, trying to figure out what to do with my hands. It was a short ride, though, and soon we were back at Adam’s house.

“Fam’s in the city,” he said. “Come on.” He motioned for Jake and me to follow him to the big wraparound porch.

I took a seat on the swing and felt the floor shift as it rocked me back and forth, floating in space. Adam sank down next to me and the wood creaked.

Jake propped himself up on a wicker armchair and pulled out a bottle of something dark from his jacket pocket.

“Here, Newman,” he said.

I took a sip and it tasted like poison. Then I took another and forced myself not to grimace.

“Told ya she could take it,” Adam said. He nudged my shoulder with his and I tried to smirk, like I thought this little get-together was so normal that it was boring. Adam reached for the bottle in my lap.

“All right, kid. You must be wondering why you’re here,” he said.

Before I could speak, Jake chimed in. “We’re meeting with everyone individually before we hit you guys with the harder pops.”

Makes sense, I thought, though I wondered why I was alone with them, why they didn’t wait to do it when Rachel, Tina, and the others were around, too.

“We just want to hang out, see what makes you tick, who you really are,” Jake continued. “Adam here has told me all about you, but I want to get to know you myself. So spill it, Jill,” Jake said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “What’s your deal?

Adam tapped me on the shoulder with the bottle and I took another swig. Courage. The taste was getting more bearable and my throat had almost stopped burning. So I started to speak. I launched into some stupid word vomit about how I love astrophysics and how I had spent the summer up in Cape Cod with the best telescope on the East Coast. Adam looked down and kicked against the floorboards, sending us swinging back and forth. The momentum turned my stomach.

Jake shook his head. “Tell me something interesting, Newman. Got any deep, dark secrets?”

“What? No.” I laughed. I hadn’t done anything worthy of secrecy. I was boring through and through.

“Come on. There has to be something. We won’t tell. You’re a Player now. Or . . . you might be. We’re all in this together,” Jake said. Adam nodded along but didn’t meet my eyes. “How about . . . what’s your biggest fear?”

The wind had picked up and I wrapped my arms around my stomach. I thought for a second, tilting my head to the sky. It was covered in blinking, bright stars. Adam’s porch light was on, but we didn’t need it. I found the dippers, sitting like nesting dolls, just below the North Star. I took a deep breath.

“I’m scared of the dark,” I said finally. I tried to laugh but the sound that came out was chalky and strange. “That’s why I love astronomy so much. There’s no such thing as absolute darkness in the night sky.”

Jake didn’t laugh. Neither did Adam. And I finally felt calm. Like I had passed a test. Jake leaned forward. His eyes were black and wide and they held my gaze with a ferocity that scared me. He put his hand on the swing to stop us from moving. “Where does that come from?”

“What are you, a shrink?” I asked. But no one chuckled. I took another sip—rye whiskey, I’d decided—and just said, “I don’t know. My dad introduced me to the constellations when I was a kid and they always made me feel safe. I even have those stupid glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. Can’t fall asleep without some light, you know?”

“Go deeper, Newman,” Jake said. His eyes narrowed and he leaned in further so his fingertips grazed my knees.

“Maybe . . .” I started. “Maybe it’s because I’ve always felt inferior.” The words were bubbling now. Things I never even let myself think, let alone say out loud. “Like I don’t belong at Gold Coast Prep. Like I have something to prove. Like I have to be perfect.” I thought of my anxiety nightmares, the ones that started after I came to Prep and now ruined my sleep on the nights before big tests or presentations. How the thought of not measuring up to my brilliant peers made me want to run and hide.

Jake leaned back into his chair, seemingly satisfied. But I felt like he needed more.

“I know I’m not good enough but I’m scared everyone else will find out.”

That made him smile. “Do you think other people feel that way, too?”

I turned over the question in my mind, thinking of Nikki and Shaila. “I don’t know. I guess everyone’s scared of something,” I said. “Like Shaila, you’d think she’s not afraid of anything. But really, she can’t do heights. Not at all. She wouldn’t even go on the Oyster Fest Ferris wheel with me.”

“Oh yeah?” Jake asked.

I nodded. “She’s a baby when it comes to that stuff. We’re all scared of something, I guess. Maybe she has some deeper reason why, too.”

Adam kicked the ground again and sent us rocking back and forth. Neither of them said anything for a while and I tilted my head to stare up at the blanket of stars in silence.

After a few minutes, Adam finally spoke. “I’m hungry, dude. Should we get a pizza?”

Their conversation continued as they debated the merits of Mario’s and Luigi’s, the two competing slice spots in town.