The Wild Heir(84)
She sits back and watches me for a few moments and then says, “You’re not sick, Magnus. I’m guessing this has happened to you before.”
“Not really lately…” I admit.
“You’re under a lot of stress, it’s okay.”
I nod. “Yeah. I’m not the best when it comes to that. Emotional stress especially.”
She almost flinches at that. “I hope it’s not because of me.”
I grab her hand and kiss her knuckles, staring deep into her eyes so she understands. “It’s not you. You’re the only thing that’s making sense right now. The only thing that gives me focus. It’s everything else around us. The marriage, the wedding, becoming a king. Getting ready for that. I’m not ready for that.”
“You will be.”
I shake my head. “Not when I’m like this.”
“So, what happened?”
“Same as always. Sometimes I can’t sleep. I can’t shut off my brain. It’s like it holds me hostage and puts me in the passenger seat. Chains me there. Then starts driving faster and faster through the dark, in the rain, no headlights. No wiper blades. Eventually I crash.”
She looks me over, her eyes taking in every detail of my face in this darkened room. Finally, she says, “I’m going to ask you something and I don’t want you to take offense.”
I give her a lazy grin. “You know it’s pretty damn hard to offend me.”
“I know. But that doesn’t mean you’re not sensitive. Some things I know roll right off your back and you don’t pay it a moment’s attention. Other things, well I think they hit deep and they stay there, whether you want to admit it or not.”
I swallow thickly. She might be right about that.
“Okay then. Is this a question time question?”
“This is an ‘I’m going to be your wife and I have a right to know,’ question.”
Oh shit. Those have to be the worst.
“Okaaaay.”
My heart has started to race again.
“Have you ever been diagnosed with anything? Particularly ADHD?”
I stare at her blankly. “No.”
“Does it surprise you that I’m asking that?”
I don’t even have to think about it. “No…”
“Have you ever looked into it?” She squeezes my hand. “I’m no doctor, obviously. I nearly faint when I see blood. But I knew some people at school who have it and not the ‘faking it so they can get Adderall’ version, but the real version. From what you describe about your brain to the way you only focus when you’re knee-deep in adrenaline, it just sounds like that’s what you could have. It’s common and I know it’s underdiagnosed in adults. Nothing to be worried about.”
I shrug. I’m not sure if I should be telling her that she’s wrong or that this sounds impossible or there’s no way I could possibly have that but everything she said makes a lot of sense. “When I was young I was definitely hyperactive and always thumbing my nose at authority. I thought that was my personality.”
“That is your personality, Magnus,” she says. “You were probably a little drittsekk when you were a kid.” I laugh. “But maybe you had a hard time concentrating on school, on math, on books. That would be part of the disorder. It’s complex, and it’s part of who you are.”
“I guess Magnus the Mad was a pretty accurate nickname.”
She lets out a soft laugh. “Just because it’s classified as a disorder, it doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It doesn’t even have to be a disorder, it’s all how you look at it.”
“How do you know so much about this?”
“I had a beloved professor last year who had it. He was very open about it. Actually, he taught some of the best, most engaging classes. Nothing was boring about the way he approached life. Same goes for you.”
“So, what, you think I should see a doctor and go on medication?” The thought makes me grind my teeth together.
“I think you should do whatever you want to do,” she says. “If it gives you piece of mind, then yeah. You have to ask yourself if you’re happy the way things are inside that brain of yours. If you are and you feel you’re doing just fine in life, then just keep on keeping on and I’ll be there by your side. But if you feel there’s room for improvement, if you need help concentrating on things in the future, if you hate the way your brain feels, especially on nights like this, well maybe it’s worth looking into.”
“I don’t want to be a different person,” I tell her.
“I don’t think that’s how it works, Magnus. You’ll still be you. You’ll still be funny, quirky, smart…and devastatingly handsome.”
I grin at her. “You really know all the right things to say.”
“I hope so,” she says. “That’s why I’m here. Now, is there anything I can do to help you fall asleep?”
From the wicked glint in her eyes, I know she means something sexual. But actually, for the first time ever, that’s not what I’m craving right now. That’s not what I need. I need something more intimate and meaningful than another roll in the hay, if that’s even possible.
“That might make me more hyped up,” I tell her. “But there is something you can do.”