The Trade(76)

“I talked to Monica about it and she convinced me to confront him. That’s why I asked for his address.”

“So you went to his place and asked what’s up?”

“Yeah.” My pulse starts to steady and the tears turn into watery eyes as Jason’s voice soothes me, calms me. “And to say he was surprised to see me is an understatement. It took a bit to get it out of him, but what he told me . . . Jason, it just about wrecked me.”

“Shit, are you going to make me cry? You know I love him.”

I chuckle some more. “It might make you cry, hold on to your loins.”

“Dick is clutched, continue.”

He’s so fucking weird, but this is exactly why I called him, because I knew he’d not only give me sage advice, but also make me feel better with his jokes and quirkiness.

“He told me, and I quote, he doesn’t want to be my goddamn rebound.”

Jason gasps and then sighs. “Fucking hell, now I want to go nuzzle his nips. Ugh, what a fucking baller thing to say. He doesn’t want to be your rebound, which means he wants more.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, what the fuck are you talking to me on the phone for? This is Cory Potter we’re talking about. Not only does he have the kind of baseball stats only a god can achieve, but he’s also one of the nicest humans to ever walk this planet.”

“I know, I’m just . . . I’m scared, Jason.”

“Can you stop drooling over Cory and give your sister some wise advice?” Dottie says over the phone, and I’m guessing at this point Jason put me on speaker.

“I’m not drooling.”

“You’re thrusting your hips,” Dottie counters with a knowing voice.

“Just thinking about him gets me excited but I get it, this isn’t about me, this is about Natalie.” Clearing his voice and trying to be serious, he asks, “Why are you scared?”

“Because, it’s too soon. He wants me to be his girlfriend . . . exclusively. He doesn’t want to be a fling or a random one-night stand. He wants more. It’s why he’s been so up and down with me because he knows where I’m at, fresh off divorce, trying to figure things out.”

“Okay,” Jason says, his voice softer now. “Do you not want to be with him?”

“That’s the thing. I do want to be with him. And that’s what’s scaring me because ever since I met him in person at the fundraiser, I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. I never thought in a million years he’d look my way, want to be friends with me, or even want more. I always considered him out of my league, so I never let myself feel for him, until the last few days, when I saw strain in his eyes, like he was holding back this big secret and couldn’t take it any longer.” Growing quiet, I say, “It was me. He was holding back his feelings for me and it just . . . hell, Jason, it opened the floodgates. I want him, just as much as he wants me, maybe even more.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I don’t want him to be my rebound either, but I’m nervous I’m not ready for what Cory has to offer. I can see myself getting lost in him and that’s what I allowed with Ansel. I never found who I was until he drifted away. Cory is high profile, and just this past week I felt how consuming being near him can be. I don’t know if I’m mentally ready for Cory yet . . . but I want to be, so badly.”

“I understand what you mean about Ansel. For a while there, I worried about you not reaching your potential. You were both . . . lost in each other, until he wasn’t.”

“Exactly.” Until he definitely wasn’t. Until I wasn’t enough. “Now that I’m free of him, shouldn’t I focus on myself and not jump into something that could possibly be more intense than anything I had with Ansel?”

Jason doesn’t answer and it makes me nervous, because usually he has the answer right away. Finally, he says, “I’m not saying this because I’m partial, but haven’t you been trying to date and keep coming up empty-handed?”

“Yes, and that’s why I think maybe I should work on myself.”

“It’s not you, Natalie, it’s you finding the right person. I saw the way you were with Cory this past week. The glances here and there, the easy way you two fell in step together. The laughing, the joking, the comradery. It’s there. It’s easy. Like it’s meant to be. Why would you want to pass on that because you’re scared it might be too much?”

I look toward Cory’s apartment door, and it feels like an iron fist grips my heart, constricting the blood flow. “Because I failed once already,” I admit, the truth hitting me like a tidal wave. “If I fail with a man like Cory, what does that say about me?”

“Without failure, none of us would be able to move forward. Failure is what propels us to the next chapter of our lives,” Jason says thoughtfully. “Ansel was a part of your life for a reason. He might go down in your book as a failure, but he’s also a reason why you’re where you are right now, sitting outside a great man’s apartment, trying to figure out if you want to take that step forward with his hand in yours.” He pauses. “I think you’d regret not seeing where this thing between you and Cory takes you. There’s something special there and I think you owe it to yourself to give it a shot.”