The Things You Didn't See(78)

I didn’t tell Holly either, though what else was she to think when she found me in the wardrobe? I don’t want to be under her scrutiny, or anyone’s. I need to keep well, to get through the funeral and court case, find out what Daniel’s up to, bring Ash to justice for killing you.

He killed you.

I can’t run to you any more, Mum. I’ll finally learn to stand on my own two feet, and your solutions weren’t always what I needed anyway. When you sent Victoria to Oakfield it broke my heart, but you always thought you knew best. Now all the decisions will be mine.

I only meant to close my eyes for twenty minutes, but when I open them again, it’s quiet and dark. I have the sick sensation that I’ve missed part of my life. Under the duvet I’m fully clothed, sweaty, and through the open curtains a disc of pure white shines down on me. The moon knows everything. I’m hot and heavy and my head feels like lead, weighted to the pillow. I listen greedily for Victoria’s voice. I only need a few words, just enough to know she’s still here and hasn’t been spirited away from me. But she’ll be in bed by now, asleep. I didn’t even say goodnight.

My bladder demands that I get out of bed. My stomach grumbles for food – my body’s completely out of whack with its usual rhythms.

Downstairs, there are signs that a meal has been cooked and eaten. There’s an almost empty bottle of wine and the parmesan is still on the table, the spiraliser’s on the draining board. Why didn’t anyone wake me?

I check the fridge, but there are no leftovers for me. There’s only the buns and scones I cooked last night and one quarter of Victoria’s homecoming cake. I dig my fingers into the hard sponge and take a huge bite. It’s soft and sweet and I grab more, a handful this time, stuffing it in my mouth as if it’s the very thing that can save me. Guiltily, mouth still chewing, I check no one’s watching. The door to the front room is shut but I can hear voices in conversation. Dad, who hasn’t spoken to me properly since the bail hearing, who hardly said a word in the car on the drive to the farm, is talking plenty to Daniel. Curious, I move to the door, careful not to make any noise. I swallow the last of the cake and bend my head to the gap.

Daniel says, ‘We need to protect her, Hector, for the sake of the family. She’s such an innocent, like a child in so many ways.’

Is he talking about Victoria? It’s true – she may seem grown up, but she’s only fourteen.

‘Yup,’ agrees Dad, ‘and that’s what I’m doin’. Don’t be lecturin’ me, boy.’

‘I’m not, I promise. I’m just worried she suspects.’ Daniel sounds desperately weary.

‘All of us, we’re doin’ it for her, ’cos she’s not strong enough to know the truth. But, by God, sometimes I could just whack some sense into her.’

I straighten. I no longer think they’re talking about Victoria. Only I can inspire that level of anger.

‘Hector, I know this is hard on you, but speaking like that helps no one. It’s natural you’re anxious about the sleep test . . .’

‘Sod that! What do doctors know? They weren’t there that mornin’, so whatever that test says, it proves nothin’. I know what happened, and so do you.’

His voice is muffled then, and I imagine him fighting back emotion, pushing it down as always. Then Daniel says, ‘Nobody is responsible for what they do while they’re asleep, Hector. We just have to hope the jury understand that and then this will all be over. We have to stick to the story . . .’

Dad mumbles something I can’t catch, but my mind has latched on to that word: story.

I’m certain now: Dad’s lying, and Daniel’s colluding with it. I’d understand Dad protecting Ash – he loves him. But why would Daniel?

This man I love with all my heart has secrets I don’t understand.

I creep back upstairs to Victoria’s room, and have to wait for her to unlock and open the door. ‘What’s up, Mum?’ She resumes her place, cross-legged on her bed in shorty pyjamas, listening to music on her earphones and tapping on the screen of her iPad.

‘I just wanted to say goodnight.’

Her small room’s cosy, a little girl’s room in pink and white with bunting around the walls. There seemed no point in decorating it after she left.

I was so angry with you then, for taking her away from me, even though I believed I was sick. Now I don’t think I was, I think I saw things clearly: Daniel was cheating on me. It was you who couldn’t see that. And he’s doing it again, deceiving me.

I want to curl up next to Victoria and listen to the music, lose myself in it. But that would be hiding from the truth, and I’ve done that for too long.

‘You shouldn’t still be awake, love – it’s very late.’

‘I’m messaging Dawn.’ She quickly types another line, adding in a sad-faced emoji. ‘I miss her, she hates being at Oakfield without me. Can she come here for the weekend? Please, Mum.’

She’s used to Dawn coming to stay each holiday, and I want her to be happy. God knows this has been a tough enough week for her. I’m ashamed of feeling jealous too – why can’t being here, with me, make her happy?

‘It’s not a great time, love. We have Granny’s funeral on Monday, and there’s still details to arrange.’