The Speed of Light: A Novel(64)

I flush in anger at her scathing words. “The problem is I won’t know if he means it.” She stops, staring at me with frustrated bewilderment, but I press on, fear and anger and uncertainty spilling out. “Nikki, Connor is a really decent guy who has come to my rescue throughout our entire relationship. And apparently that’s just his personality. So, what if he feels trapped now? What if he just feels sorry for me and is staying with me out of obligation? What if he doesn’t even realize that’s what he’s doing, but someday he does realize it and leaves me?”

Nikki blinks at me, dumbstruck, then suddenly bursts out laughing. “Do you hear yourself right now? Don’t you think this is more about you and your insecurities than it is about him?”

My eyes widen in shock, her laughter slicing tiny cuts into me, and I can’t take it anymore—I explode. “You don’t understand, okay? You don’t know what it’s like to have to wonder if someone is only with you because they feel sorry for you. To have to wonder if you’ll feel fine tomorrow or if you’ll wake up unable to walk. To wonder at what point you’re going to steadily progress until you lose all mobility, or worse.”

Nikki sighs, but her voice softens. “Simone, any one of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow.”

“Yeah, well, my bus is following me around, waiting to slam into me. I just have no idea when.”

Nikki throws up her hands. “God dammit, Simone. It’s like everything is the fucking Martyr Olympics with you.”

My mouth opens but shuts again, the biting reply dying in my throat and my heart shriveling. Then, the longest silence there’s ever been between us.

Nikki lowers her head, and when she looks back up at me, her eyes are glistening. “Claudia’s mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.”

“What? When?”

“We found out over Christmas. It’s why we’ve been gone a lot.”

“Why didn’t you guys tell me?” But I know the answer, and the knots in my belly twist harder, squeezing the life out of me.

“Because you don’t have room for anyone else’s suffering right now.” Nikki’s voice is soft; she’s dealing the blow gently. “And I get it. But it leaves no room for anyone else to ever have any pain around you.”

I stare at her, too dumbfounded to say anything else. She sighs. “Look, I need to get going—I promised Claudia we’d go out to dinner. Do you . . . do you want to join us?”

But her eyes are on the ground again, so I shake my head. We both need space right now. “Nah, I’ve got some stuff I need to do.”

She nods and turns to go, and I watch her jog away from me.



I stroll around Falls Park, letting the breeze carry me where it wants to, and eventually the roaring water lures me closer. I climb down onto one of the rocks and sit, letting Nikki’s honesty roll around in my mind.

I have been a terrible friend.

I’ve held my own pain out as being more important than anyone else’s. All the ugly thoughts, the judgments I have cast upon others, swirl through my mind.

I take a deep breath, watch the breeze push relentlessly against the trees. The leaves sway, but they don’t fall. Sunlight sparkles through them, down to the water, a dazzling display.

My pity party needs to come to an end. No more—what did Nikki call it?—Martyr Olympics. God, the truth hurts.

My gaze flits toward the direction where Nikki left. Best friends are honest with each other. Best friends fight. We’ll be okay. We have to be.

I need to apologize to her.

I need to start seriously thinking about seeing a different neurologist.

I need to talk to Connor.

The wind blows harder then, as if satisfied I’ve finally come around.

I stare out at the water. I don’t know what I’ll say to him. I don’t know if, as Nikki said, this truly is more about me than it is about him. But I know I love him, and that’s worth fighting for.

I take the deepest breath I have in a long time as I smile out at the water. Suddenly Sunday can’t come fast enough.





CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

July 18, five months before

Sunday morning, I wake up to a ringing phone. Connor. I roll over, clear the sleep from my throat, croak, “Hello?”

“Well, good morning, sunshine.” The rush of air surrounds his voice—he’s in the car—and I smile.

“Good morning, yourself. How was your weekend?”

“Ah, it was great. I mean, it was a lot to take in and I’m exhausted, but I really feel like I’m finally on the right path again, you know?”

“That’s great.” I swallow. “So you’re on your way home?”

“Yes. Well, sort of. Arielle texted last night to say Ella has a dance recital this afternoon. I got my ass up super early so I could swing through Aberdeen in time to see it.”

“Swing through Aberdeen?” I rub my eyes. I haven’t had my coffee yet, so I can’t keep the pout out of my voice. “Connor, that’s way out of the way.”

“I know. But I haven’t missed one yet. Not since . . .”

He trails off, and I want to punch myself. “Of course, you should absolutely go,” I say quickly. “Have a great time and say hi to them for me. So I’ll see you tonight, then?”