The Speed of Light: A Novel(63)

Hayley shakes her head. “God, one minute it seems like they can’t stand each other, the next they’re BFFs.”

Nikki and I exchange a look. “BFFs?” I say.

Hayley shrugs. “Okay, maybe not quite, but they have a weird . . . camaraderie maybe?”

“That’s a big word,” Raj teases.

She smacks him before continuing. “Well, the two of them were huddled in front of his computer the other day when I stopped over to get a signature for something, and they got all flustered when I walked in. Chet looked pissed, but Stan’s face was so red I felt kinda bad for interrupting.” But she giggles, which means she really didn’t feel that bad.

Raj groans. “Dude, they were totally looking at porn.”

“You think everyone’s looking at porn.”

“What the hell else do you think two frustrated, middle-aged white guys would be doing in that situation?”

Hayley considers. “I mean, it’s a plausible theory.”

Raj whistles. “Wow, Hayley, more big words.”

We all laugh, but I catch Nikki’s eye. Something isn’t right about this.

“Gun!”

The cry from the outer information desk sets us into motion, and we lockdown and barricade. As we crouch together behind the desk, I’m scared—even though it’s a drill, it’s still creepy. And sitting there, in the darkness, I can’t stop my mind from drifting back to Connor and how much I want things to be good again between us—but how terrified I am of talking to him about it.

How terrified I am that I’ll have to stop pretending.





CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

July 16, five months before

By Friday, my stomach is in knots. I should be excited—it’s a blessedly cool day, which means Nikki and I can meet for a run in Falls Park after work. Plus, it’s the weekend, and Connor will be home in two days.

“You’re sure quiet.” Nikki glances over, slowing to match my stride. “Am I going too fast? It’s not your knee, is it?”

For once, that’s not the case. A twinge shoots through my knee then, a reminder of its presence. Okay, for once it’s not the only reason. “Nah, it’s fine.” I don’t know if it’s something about being out here on a run, cool breeze carrying me along, the rush of the falls muting out the nearby traffic—and being able to stare ahead and not look my best friend in the eye—but suddenly it’s as if the truth will burst out of me. “But look, I need to tell you something.”

“It’s you and Connor, isn’t it?” She shakes her head. “I knew something was weird. Did you have a fight?”

“Sort of. Kind of a one-sided fight, admittedly. And I’m sort of having doubts now. About . . . us.”

Nikki’s head whips over. “Okay,” she says slowly, “let’s unpack this. Does this have something to do with your visit with his family?”

I nod.

“Are you ready to tell me about that?”

I wince at the annoyance in her voice, then take a deep breath. “Well, Connor’s mom basically told me I’m a burden to him, and then we had to watch a slideshow of him with his gorgeous and perfect ex-fiancée—and I didn’t even know he’d been engaged, by the way. And all of this after I totally almost passed out in front of his entire family because heat and MS don’t exactly mix well.”

Nikki slows to a stop, hands on her hips. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, she said you’re a ‘burden’? Like, she actually used that word?”

“Well, no, not exactly that.” I stop, too; then we walk together as I relay the story.

Afterward Nikki frowns. “Okay. Well, we’ll come back to that, but you almost passed out? Was it an attack like last time?”

I shake my head. “No, not like before. But I’m more sensitive to the heat now and need to learn my limits.”

She nods, still frowning. “And why are you just telling me all this now?”

I dart a glance at her, knowing my eyes look guilty. “Because I guess I kind of . . . wanted to ignore it.”

She nods but doesn’t chastise me, which I appreciate immensely. Then she sighs. “Look, I’m really glad you’re okay. And I’m sorry his mom said that. But do you think maybe you’re taking it too personally because you’re—you know—sensitive to the issue?”

My eyes blaze. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, to me it sounds more like she’s trying to pat herself on the back for raising him to be a good guy. I mean, what did Connor say about it?”

I look away. “I didn’t tell him about it.”

“Ah, the one-sided fight.” Nikki shakes her head. “Mone, why?”

“Well, I mean, I did tell him how I felt about the slideshow.” My voice is so defensive now it’s practically a whine. “He apologized and said it’s ancient history. We just haven’t talked about the other stuff.”

“Why not?”

“Because I know what he’ll say.”

“And what will he say?”

“He’ll apologize and assure me he doesn’t feel that way.”

“So what’s the problem, then?”