The Schopenhauer Cure(94)
“Interesting, Philip. All three parts of that—what you are, have, and stand for in the eyes of others—hits home for me. I’ve lived too much of my life for that last part—what others will think of me. Let me confess another secret: my magic perfume. I’ve never talked to anyone about this, but ever since I can remember I’ve daydreamed about manufacturing a perfume called Rebecca made up of my essence which lingers indefinitely and causes anyone who inhales it to think of my beauty.”
“Rebecca, you’re taking so many more risks now. I love it,” said Pam.
“Me too,” said Stuart. “But let me tell you something that’s never registered before. I like to look at you, but I’m realizing now that your good looks are a barrier to seeing or knowing you, maybe even as much of a barrier as when a woman is ugly or misshapen.”
“Wow, that’s a shocker. Thanks, Stuart.”
“Rebecca, I want you to know,” said Julius, “that I too am touched by your trusting us with your daydream about the perfume. It points out what a vicious circle you’ve set up. You confuse your beauty with your essence. And then what happens, as Stuart points out, is that others do not relate to your essence but to your beauty.”
“A vicious circle which leaves me doubting whether there’s anything there. I’m still struck by your phrase the other week, Julius, ‘the beautiful empty woman’—that’s me in spades.”
“Except the vicious circle may be breaking down,” said Gill. “I know I’ve seen more of you—that is, something deeper, in the last few weeks than in the whole previous year.”
“Yeah, me too,” agreed Tony, “and, I’m being serious now, I want to say I’m really sorry about counting out money when you told us about that time in Las Vegas—I acted like a real jerk.”
“Apology noted and accepted,” said Rebecca.
“You’ve gotten a lot of feedback today, Rebecca,” said Julius. “How’re you feeling about it?”
“I feel great—it’s good. I feel people are treating me differently.”
“It’s not us,” said Tony, “it’s you. Put real stuff in—get real stuff out!”
“Put real stuff in—get real stuff out. I like that, Tony,” said Rebecca. “Hey, you’re getting good at this therapy business; maybe I should start counting out money. What are your fees?”
Tony smiled broadly. “Since I’m on a roll, let me give you my guess, Julius, about why you went out of your way to work with Philip again. Maybe when you first saw Philip years ago you were closer to that state of mind you told us about last week—you know, having strong sex desires for other women.”
Julius nodded. “Go on.”
“Well, here’s what I’m wondering: if you had issues similar to Philip’s—not the same but something in that ballpark—could that have gotten in the way of your therapy with him?”
Julius sat up straight in his chair. Philip, too, straightened up. “You are sure catching my attention, Tony. Now I’m beginning to remember why therapists are hesitant to reveal themselves—I mean it doesn’t go away—what you reveal comes back to haunt you again and again.”
“Sorry, Julius, I definitely didn’t mean to put you on the spot.”
“No, no, it’s okay. I really mean that. I’m not complaining; maybe I’m just stalling. Your observation is good—maybe it’s too good, too close, and I’m resisting a bit.” Julius paused and thought a moment. “Okay, here’s what comes up for me: I remember that I was surprised and dismayed that I hadn’t helped Philip. I should have helped him. When we began, I would have taken a big bet that I would have helped him a lot. I thought I had an inside track on helping him. I was sure that my own personal experience would grease the rails of therapy.”
“Maybe,” said Tony. “Maybe that’s why you invited Philip into this group—give it another try, getting another chance. Right?”
“You took the words out of my mouth,” said Julius. “I was just going to say that. This may be the reason why a few months ago when I was wondering about who I helped and who I didn’t, I got so fixated on Philip. In fact, when Philip came to mind I began to lose interest in contacting other patients.
“Hey, look at the time. I hate to bring this meeting to an end, but we’ve got to stop. Good meeting—I know I’ve got a lot to think about—Tony, you opened up some things for me. Thanks.”
“So,” said Tony with a grin, “am I excused from paying today?”
“Blessed is he who gives,” said Julius. “But who knows?—keep on like this and that day may come.”
After leaving the group room the members chattered on the outside steps of Julius’s home before dispersing. Only Tony and Pam headed toward the coffee shop.
Pam was fixated on Philip. She was not mollified by Philip’s statement that she had been unlucky to have met him. Moreover, she hated his compliment on her interpretation of the parable and hated even more that she had enjoyed getting it. She worried that the group was swinging over to Philip—away from her, away from Julius.
Tony felt elated—he voted himself the MVP—the meeting’s most valuable player; maybe he’d skip the bar scene tonight—try to read one of the books Pam had given him.