The Schopenhauer Cure(93)

After a brief silence Julius added, “I’m feeling I’ve been doing too much talking today. How are you all responding to what’s been happening so far?”

“I’m interested,” said Rebecca.

“Yeah,” said Bonnie.

“This is some pretty high-level stuff going on,” said Tony, “but I’m staying with it.”

“I’m aware,” noted Stuart, “of ongoing tension here.”

“Tension between…?” asked Tony.

“Between Pam and Philip, of course.”

“And lots between Julius and Philip,” added Gill, again taking up Philip’s cause. “I’m wondering, Philip, do you feel listened to? Do you feel your contributions get the consideration they merit?”

“It seems to me, that…that…well…” Philip was unusually tentative but soon regained his characteristic fluency. “Isn’t it precipitous to dismiss so quickly—”

“Who are you talking to?” asked Tony.

“Right,” answered Philip. “Julius, isn’t it precipitous to dismiss so quickly a concept that has offered consolation to much of humanity for millennia? It is Epictetus’s idea, and Schopenhauer’s as well, that excessive attachment either to material goods, to other individuals, or even attachment to the concept of ‘I’ is the major source of human suffering. And doesn’t it follow that such suffering can be ameliorated by avoiding the attachment? Indeed, these ideas are at the very heart of the Buddha’s teaching as well.”

“That’s a good point, Philip, and I will take it to heart. What I hear you saying is that you’re giving me good stuff which I dismiss out of hand—and that leaves you feeling unvalued. Right?”

“I said nothing about feeling unvalued.”

“Not out loud. I’m intuiting that—it would be such a human response. I’ve a hunch if you will look inside you’ll find it there.”

“Pam, you’re rolling your eyes,” said Rebecca. “Is this talk about attachment reminding you of your meditation retreat in India? Julius, Philip—both of you missed the postgroup coffee when Pam described her time at the ashram.”

“Yep, exactly,” said Pam. “I had a bellyful of talk about the relinquishment of all attachments including the inane idea that we can sever our attachment to our personal ego. I ended up with strong feelings that it was all so life-negating. And that parable Philip handed out—what’s the message? I mean, what kind of voyage, what kind of life, is it if you are so focused on the departure that you can’t enjoy your surroundings and can’t enjoy other people? And that’s what I see in you, Philip.” Pam turned to address him directly. “Your solution to your problems is a pseudosolution; it’s no solution at all—it’s something else—it’s a relinquishment of life. You’re not in life; you don’t really listen to others, and when I hear you speak I don’t feel I’m listening to a living, breathing person.”

“Pam,” Gill sprang to Philip’s defense, “talk about listening—I’m not sure you do much listening. Did you hear that he was miserable years ago? That he had overwhelming problems and impulses? That he did not respond to three full years of therapy with Julius? That he did what you just did last month—what any of us would do—seek another method? That he finally got help from a different approach—one which is no freakish New Age pseudosolution? And that now he’s trying to offer something to Julius by using the approach that helped him?”

The group was silenced by Gill’s outburst. After a few moments Tony said, “Gill, you are something else today! Sticking it to my girl Pam—I don’t like that, but, man, I sure do like the way you’re talking here—hope it rubs off on your home life with Rose.”

“Philip,” said Rebecca, “I want to apologize for being so dismissive earlier today. I want to say that I’m changing my mind about this…story by…by…Epihetus…”

“Epictetus,” said Philip in a softer tone.

“Epictetus, thanks.” Rebecca continued, “The more I think about it, this whole thing about attachment throws a light on some of my stuff. I think I am suffering from excessive attachment—not to things or possessions but to my looks. All my life I’ve had a free pass because of a pretty face—got lots of affirmation—prom queen, homecoming queen, beauty contests—and now that it’s fading…”

“Fading?” said Bonnie. “Just pass the faded remnants on to me.”

“Me, too, I’ll trade you anytime and throw in all my jewelry…and kids, if I had any,” said Pam.

“I appreciate that. I really do. But it’s all relative.” Rebecca went on, “I am too attached. I am my face, and now that it’s become less, I feel I am less. I’m having a lot of trouble giving up my free pass.”

“One of Schopenhauer’s formulations that helped me,” said Philip, “was the idea that relative happiness stems from three sources: what one is, what one has, and what one represents in the eyes of others. He urges that we focus only on the first and do not bank on the second and third—on having and our reputation—because we have no control over those two; they can, and will, be taken away from us—just as your inevitable aging is taking away your beauty. In fact, ‘having’ has a reverse factor, he said—what we have often starts to have us.”