The Retreat(77)

‘I was thinking about Lily,’ I said vaguely. ‘I want Ursula to be wrong.’

Julia stopped walking.

‘How do you think it feels?’ she said. ‘Not knowing? Being stuck in limbo?’ She looked around, turning her face upwards and shielding her eyes against the light. Branches and twigs formed a lattice against the sky. ‘Sometimes I think I can feel her, here. Her presence. If she did die here . . .’ She swallowed.

‘Julia . . .’

‘Quiet. Please. I think a part of her is still here, in these woods. She’s there, in the blossom. In the leaves that bud every spring. In the grass that grows on the path. I couldn’t feel her before, but now I can.’ A tear slid down her cheek. ‘She’s watching me.’

It was silent all around us. Even the birds had fallen quiet.

‘If we find proof, like Ursula says . . . At least then I’ll be able to take comfort in knowing she’s still here.’

I nodded, afraid of choosing the wrong words.

‘And then I’ll know it’s okay to join her.’

I stared at her. ‘You mean . . . take your own life?’

‘Why not? I’ve nothing else to live for. Once I know she’s gone, I can be with her. Forever.’

I went cold inside. ‘Julia. You can’t say that. Lily wouldn’t want that.’

I wouldn’t want that.

‘How do you know what she’d want? You can’t save me, Lucas. You’ve no right to try.’

She went to move on, but I stepped into her path. ‘So if we do find evidence today that Lily is dead, you’re going to kill yourself? What, are you going to do it right there? In front of me? Have you got a knife in that bag?’

She glared at me.

I ploughed on. ‘How are you going to do it? Slash your wrists? Hang yourself from a tree? Oh, I know. You’re going to throw yourself into the river. You can’t swim. It will be perfect. Kind of poetic. You couldn’t save Lily because you can’t swim, so you’re going to drown yourself. I can see the newspaper headlines now. Maybe I’ll write a book about it.’

‘Get out of my way.’

She tried to get around me but I grabbed her arm. ‘Julia, listen to me . . .’

She punched me in the chest with her free hand. Her fist was sharp and the shock made me step back, but I held on to her.

‘Let go of me!’ she hissed.

This was getting out of hand. I let go and we both stood there, facing each other, shaking. I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified I’d wrecked what remained of our relationship. But it was a sacrifice worth making if it made her reconsider and see sense.

Her face was pink, a tremor of fury coursing through her. I needed to diffuse the tension between us.

‘I’d be pretty upset if you killed yourself,’ I said, deadpan.

She didn’t laugh.

‘Okay. Quite upset. Although the royalties from my book about you would help ease the pain.’

‘You’re such a dick.’

She fought the smile that flickered at the edge of her lips.

‘Yeah. Maybe I am a dick. But I’m your friend, Julia. And at the risk of getting all serious again, I care about you. Also, I don’t believe in spirits or the afterlife or any of that stuff. When you’re dead, you’re dead. If you kill yourself, you won’t be with Lily, you’ll just be gone. And the world will be a shittier place.’

She held her head in her hands. ‘I can’t talk about this any more. We’re losing light. We need to press on.’

I studied her face. I had no idea if what I’d said had made any difference, or if she was serious about suicide in the first place. But I made a vow that if we did find proof that Lily was dead – and I didn’t believe that would happen today – I would do everything I could to persuade her that it was worth carrying on. That there could be life after death.



We reached the clearing a few minutes later. I figured we only had an hour left until dusk. Julia consulted the map.

‘We’re right here,’ she said, pointing at a spot between the woods. The little run-down hut had been crudely drawn by Ursula, a small square with a pointy roof.

‘Have you ever been in that hut?’ I asked.

‘No, why would I? Don’t tell me you have?’

‘Actually – a couple of times. My first day, when I came for a walk. Then again, when I saw . . .’

‘What?’

I realised I hadn’t told Julia about that. ‘I saw Ursula come into the woods, the day after she arrived. I wondered what she was up to, so I followed her.’

‘And?’

‘She vanished.’

‘You mean you lost her?’

‘It depends how you look at it,’ I said.

Julia looked up at the darkening sky. ‘We should get going.’

We walked side by side across the field towards the next line of trees. Magpies, perhaps the same ones I’d seen before, watched us go. We were still only a third of the way through the map, and the chances of us getting there and back before it was pitch-black were now close to zero. I explained my concern to Julia.

‘I’m not stopping now,’ she said. ‘We’ve got the flashlights and the sky is clear so we’ll have moonlight. Haven’t you ever camped in the woods?’