The Queen's Assassin (The Queen's Secret #1)(94)

Shadow

“CAL.” I SHAKE HIS SHOULDER gently. “Wake up. It’s me. It’s Shadow.”

I crouch at the side of the bed and nudge him again, but Cal’s sound asleep, his mouth hanging open, brown hair tousled every which way. He looks adorable. I almost don’t want to disturb him—I wish I could just climb into bed with him and go to sleep. Like we did at the inn, which now feels like a lifetime ago. Knowing what I know now, I’d do so many things differently. We had so little time together. Tomorrow I will be wed to Hansen. This is our last chance.

“Cal, it’s me,” I whisper once more. I am terrified of being found in his room, and yet I cannot leave. I must tell him everything. I must explain.

This time his eyes fly open, and when he sits up there is a dagger at my neck.

I jerk away to avoid accidentally getting hurt. Once he’s awake, he’s immediately the Queen’s Assassin.

“Shadow?” he says as his vision adjusts. “Is that you, or am I dreaming?” He’s still holding the dagger.

“It’s me. Really me.” I lean back and pull my cream robe tighter, embarrassed; coming here seemed like a better idea before Cal actually woke up. What if he doesn’t want to listen? What if he no longer cares for me, if he ever did?

“Shadow,” he murmurs, not quite awake, and as if he can’t quite believe I’m here.

“Yes. Can you put your blade away? I’m sorry I woke you.” I’m sorry for so much more than that.

He sits up, completely clear-eyed now, and sheathes his weapon. “Don’t be. I’m glad you’re here.” He almost reaches his hand out to me, as if he wants me to grasp it, but he hesitates.

That makes me feel better. But I wish he had taken my hand. “I had to sneak away. This was the only time I could see you before—”

“Yes,” he says, cutting me off. It’s almost as if he can’t bear to hear the words.

There’s an awkward silence between us for a few seconds. Then we both begin to speak at the same time:

“Let me explain . . .”

“Why did you lie to me?”

His question stops me short. My initial instinct is to deny that I did, but I’m through with all that. There can be no more concealed between us. “I thought if you knew who I really was, you would keep your distance,” I confess. “And you certainly wouldn’t bring me to Montrice with you.”

“It was all a story, then, wanting to join the Guild, wanting to be my apprentice?”

“Just because it’s a story doesn’t mean it’s not true,” I say.

“Do I even know anything real about you?”

That hurt. Although he did not know my true identity, he knew my soul. But I understand his pain, for it is mine as well. “To be honest, I feel like I don’t quite know myself.”

“You are Princess Lilac,” he says. “Were you there? That day in court? When the queen gave me my orders?”

I nod. “Yes, it was me. I ran to the palace to tell the queen that you’d saved me from the grand prince, so you would not be punished for killing him.”

“You looked like that, the day we went hunting, with the white wig and the mask. I almost recognized you,” he says.

“I know,” I say. “When my mother sent you to Deersia, I was shocked, so I changed out of my costume and ran out to try to see you before you were taken away.”

“And pretended to be a merchant’s daughter,” he says. “When you were the princess all along.”

I nod. “I accompany my mother to some of the royal ceremonies; the people must see the princess once in a while to know I am alive. But mostly I live with my aunts. I told them from the beginning that I wanted to join the Guild. I was convinced I could do my royal duty that way. What better weapon than a royal assassin, after all? No one would suspect a princess, would they?”

He shakes his head.

“But my mother disagreed and my aunts had to comply. That’s when I ran away the first time, to Baer Abbey. My life has never been my own, either.”

I sigh. “You saved my life. But I had to go back to my aunts. I didn’t want them to worry. I was sent to them as a baby, right after the Battle of Baer. It was your father who insisted upon it. My aunts were his trusted friends from the Guild. Well, my aunt Moriah was a friend. My aunt Mesha . . .” This is the hardest part. “My aunt Mesha is your mother’s younger sister. But she couldn’t tell you. She had to forsake her family if she was to be mine. Your father insisted on it, that no one could know the truth, not even his own son.”

Cal rubs his hands down the sides of his face and stares at the floor, but he doesn’t speak.

I decide we can return to that when he’s ready. “Well, I was lucky; they were wonderful. And they knew a thing or two about natural magic too. They taught me as much as they could. As for my mother—well, she came to visit once in a while.”

Telling him this story makes me think that maybe I am a little too harsh with the queen. She had to send away her only child, in the midst of chaos and the loss of her husband. I regret my harsh words, when all she did was out of love for me, and the safety of the kingdom. Just like me, her life has always been bound to Renovia. She is a Dellafiore, as am I.

“Then I was summoned back to the palace, to take my place next to my mother’s side. I could no longer be Shadow; I had to be Lilac. But when I saw you being carted off to Deersia, I knew I had to intervene. You’d saved my life; I owed you. And . . .” This part is excruciating to admit. “I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get what I wanted. To show them I was worthy of Guild training. So I forged a work order to get into Deersia and set you free. And then you took me on, so we came here. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you the truth earlier.”