The Psychopath: A True Story(29)
We went through the hypnosis session, which I was recording (I don’t think I would have gone ahead with it otherwise) but I didn’t really go under all the way. I was too aware that I didn’t want to give this chap free reign in my head. The session was very useful and gave me some good insight into hypnosis for my book. It also proved to me that I could now spot a psychopath. Truth be told, this wasn’t too difficult as the three professions that toxic and controlling people get into are the police force, the clergy and social work because they are the professions that let them control other people easily. (Please note that I’m not suggesting all people in those professions are psychopaths though.)
Before I left, he told me (in quite a ‘matter-of-fact’ way) that it was clear to him that we would end up together but that I would need to decide when the time was right. I felt an extraordinary pull towards him, a massive instinctive attraction which intrigued me but, knowing what he was, allowed me to resist. I would not be seduced by him.
The next week I was going to the Edinburgh Book Festival. Jon Ronson was speaking about his book The Psychopath Test and had asked me to join him. So I invited the hypnotist to come along (as a thank you for allowing me to interview him). I knew my sisters were coming and wanted to know what they would make of him as well. I left a complimentary ticket for him on the door and he met up with us all in the bar after the event. My friends all thought he was very charming and were rather sweetly pleased that I had met someone who was obviously so interested in me.
My eldest sister, Lisa, took me aside and said, ‘Don’t touch him with a barge pole!’
I just grinned back and replied, ‘I know. I just wanted to see if you would notice.’
As he took his leave later that evening, he looked intently into my eyes again and said, ‘We are meant to be together, but I can see you are not ready yet, so get in touch when you are.’
I said goodbye and went back to have another drink with my sisters. I was never tempted to contact him, not even for a moment, and didn’t think of him again until writing this!
I was very wary of men but being now able to spot the warning signs I felt a lot more confident about people. After a few years on my own, I had a brief relationship with one of my brother’s closest friends – someone I had known for thirty years and so he was a safe bet.
He was lovely, and a fantastic kisser. He didn’t like being permanently signed into technology so didn’t check or answer his phone when he was with someone. And he was reliable. When he said he would do something, call me, or meet me, he did precisely that, and exactly on time. It was all so completely opposite to my relationship with Will Jordan. It was lovely for a couple of months. He liked that I was an international best-selling author and said he felt like he was dating a celebrity. However, although he was separated from his wife and living alone, he was still legally married, and felt guilty about having a relationship with someone else. Again, so different from Will Jordan. He didn’t want to divorce because he didn’t want to upset his children. So we split after just three months, but on cordial terms. I was sad but understood that children come first. It was nice that the last person to show me affection and intimacy was no longer Will Jordan and I felt that I had reclaimed my body from him, just like I had reclaimed my mind, my confidence, my finances and my emotions, step by careful step.
My children were still young. So I decided that I didn’t need or want another relationship and that it was far better to be happy and alone than to introduce my children to another man who would disrupt our family. I made the conscious decision to remain single – certainly until the children were older.
BAPTISM OF FIRE
In 2010, although I was getting more confident in some areas I started to become less confident in others. I once more started to feel that I was living in fear. Will Jordan was no longer contained and was clearly victimising women again. When I was contacted by the new victims I would at least know roughly where he was and what he’d been doing, but contacts in the USA and Mexico had gone quiet. Will Jordan had disappeared and no more victims were coming forward. I knew he hadn’t stopped but had just changed his name or done something to ensure his victims didn’t find out who he was. Although he wasn’t allowed back into the UK, I was still nervous that he might just find a way and it made me cautious. I felt that the walls of my life had shrunk inwards because of it.
In the late 1990s I had done a bungee jump – which is a whole other story in itself – and had learnt a very valuable lesson. When I stood on the platform above the stunning Cypriot sea, the man running the site said, ‘When you are young, you are fearless. As you get older you build walls to protect yourself. You get bitten by a dog and start to fear dogs. You see someone get hit by a car and you get nervous crossing the road. You start to take the same route to work every day, talk to the same people, and watch the same TV programmes. You get into a rut – which is just a grave with the ends kicked out. Your comfort zone gets more and more restricted as there are fewer things you’re comfortable with. Those walls make a box, and it gets smaller and smaller. You work, go home, watch TV and sleep, then get up and do it all over again, too scared to live or experience anything new. This bungee jump is so far outside your comfort zone that it will shatter the walls of your box forever. You will conquer fear itself. You have a choice now. You can let go and move forward, or you can step back into the box, continue to be afraid and face the consequences of inaction. If you do this . . . if you take this jump . . . you will shatter the walls of that box and be free!’