The Perfect Girlfriend(77)

Nate stops the film. ‘Shit, Lily. Why didn’t you say? This is insane.’

I don’t answer. He has all the answers in front of him and I have put hours and hours of effort into taking us back there, to my feelings and thoughts in that moment. I point to the screen. He stares back down and starts it again. The screen shines brightly in the gloom. I stretch my legs out in front of me. My back is beginning to ache, and even though these are my words – even though I’ve edited and edited this piece – it’s uncomfortable. The mix of emotions is unsettling because, on the one hand, I remember the naive hope I’d felt and, on the other, there is the exact opposite. And the next bit coming up is painful.

The girl gave her heart to the boy, there and then. It was a done deal. Their fate was sealed. He was a part of her, and vice versa. He didn’t have any more cigarettes. He asked her if she had one. She didn’t, but she desperately wished that she had. She still does – because if she had, then he’d have stayed longer. They’d have talked and everything would’ve been different. They’d have kept in touch and then he’d have realized that he loved her too. But that is not what happened, is it, Nate?

I have factored in a deliberate pause for ‘discussion time’.

‘Well?’ I prompt.

‘Lily. This is serious shit. OK. I get it. Your shock tactics have worked. You want a proper apology and you’ll get one. I am sorry. Really, truly sorry. Un-cuff me and I promise – you have my word, I swear – that we can talk and you can tell me anything or share anything that you’d like to.’ He sounds close to tears.

‘You still don’t get it. It’s not just a mere apology. I want you to understand. I need you to get what you did.’

‘I do understand. I do get it. We were young. I thought . . . well, in truth I don’t know what I thought, but I clearly wasn’t thinking too far into the future.’ He pauses. ‘I didn’t plan it. You know yourself that it just happened. You were clearly attractive and—’

‘Was I, though? How do you know? It was dark.’

‘I didn’t know who you were.’

‘And that makes everything all right?’

‘Well, no, but for God’s sake, you’re reading too much into something and turning it into something bigger than it is.’

‘Bigger than it is?’ I’m surprised at how icy calm my voice sounds, because inside I am ready to explode. I grip the edge of the bath tighter. ‘Bigger than it is?’

My voice makes us both jump.

Like I’ve said, that’s not what happened, is it? You ran away. You left me there, alone, in the dark. I came to find you but you were way, way too busy to even acknowledge me. You left me there and you didn’t give a shit. And it stung. It still stings. Because you don’t care. You think that you can use people and discard them when it suits. Like I was nothing. Like I meant nothing. Like we meant nothing. And you’re still doing it today. Even after we got married, you thought that you could just run to your friend James to dispose of me. Again.

Nate jabs ‘stop’ and drops the tablet to the floor.

‘I can’t listen to this any more. Why didn’t you say anything when we were together last year?’

I don’t want to admit that I’d realized that he hadn’t put two and two together. ‘I thought that the subject was, well, not taboo as such, just awkward. I assumed that your silence meant that you were ashamed of your behaviour and that you would make it up to me by being the best boyfriend, then husband, that you could possibly be.’

‘Look, Lily, I get it.’

‘No, Nate, you don’t. You really, seriously don’t. Not everything is about you, but it is time you’re taught a lesson. When you walked into the hotel where I was working last year, when we got back together, it was like it was meant to be. Fate. I – no, we – said so at the time. Don’t you remember?’

He shakes his head.

I had told Nate that fate had brought us together, but I kept quiet about the fact that I’d given fate a great, big shove in the right direction.

There was no point in organizing our ‘chance meeting’ whilst Nate was busy and distracted, pursuing his dream career by studying for his pilot’s licence. I left him alone. He had time to date unsuitable women. I knew he wouldn’t settle down until he was in his late twenties at the very earliest. Men like Nate don’t. They like to play the field.

He should have been more cautious with his social media posts. Whilst he was happily bragging – sharing snapshots of his sickening, perfect life – he was feeding me all sorts of vital information.

When flight crew only have a short period of time in London, they are put up in an airport hotel. All I had to do was apply for the job, wait and volunteer for every shift going. The working conditions were crap but it was totally worth it, because although it took eight months, it paid off.

Our worlds collided and we fell in love. Which is why it is so bloody annoying, when I’d got that far, that it all went pear-shaped. It’s like going down a long snake moments before reaching home in Snakes and Ladders.

I intended to make him adore me.

When he realized who I was, then I knew he’d regret his actions. He’d undo the wrong. Explain that it was all a mistake, that some unavoidable event had prevented him from contacting me. That’s why I told the truth about where I went to school, despite the risk of Bella.