The Perfect Girlfriend(59)

‘So, tell me about this mysterious new man,’ I say when she sits back down opposite me.

‘There’s not much to tell. I met him on a Lagos trip.’ She takes a bite of her panini.

‘So, crew then?’

She looks at me. ‘Yes. A pilot.’

‘What’s his name?’

‘Rupert. Rupert Palmer.’

‘Oh.’ I swallow. ‘Is he nice?’

‘You tell me.’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’

‘Yes, you do. You know one of his closest friends. Very well.’

Damn Nate and his posse of friends. ‘I do?’

‘You took us to his friend’s flat. Imagine my surprise when we went round there the other night and I realized that I’d been there before. With you.’

I freeze.

‘I didn’t say anything, if that’s what you’re worried about,’ she says, like I’m supposed to be grateful.

When in doubt, say nothing. I look at Amy.

‘So, I’m guessing Nate is “Nick”? Why did you lie?’

‘I didn’t lie, as such. It’s complicated.’

‘I’m sure it is. So, tell me.’

‘It’s a long story and not really anyone else’s business.’

‘Look, I like Rupert. Really, really like him. And I don’t want to keep secrets from him. If there’s a good reason why you took us to Nate’s that night, then fine. But you were searching for something in his spare room.’

I stare at her. Judgemental cow. Just wait until Rupert dumps her and she finds herself in my position.

‘You had keys, Juliette.’

‘I don’t any more. We got back together briefly, very recently, if you must know. Nate is a complicated man.’

‘Oh. Complicated in what way?’

I reach out and take her hand. ‘Please keep quiet about that night. There’s no need for you to say anything at all. Nate and I are over for good and I want to keep it that way. If you’re ever there again, please don’t mention me.’ I try to sound as though I’m close to tears.

‘OK. Sorry. It’s just that it was weird going to a flat where I’d been before, and sensing that I had to be secretive. I asked Nate if his fish needed feeding when he was away and he said no, they are very self-reliant.’

‘Thank you. I’m so grateful for your support.’ I smile weakly. But . . . I don’t trust her. A true friend would have texted me from the flat and been on my side, willing to hear my part of the story.

Amy is no friend of mine.

‘I have to go,’ I say. ‘I have a very important meeting with my manager.’

We say our goodbyes and I walk towards the corridor.

I sit outside Lorraine’s office. My mind is filled with rage and hatred. Bella. Nate. Amy. The world is full of betrayers, everyone is out for themselves. There’s no loyalty. No one cares about me unless I’m filling a temporary void in their lives. Amy is a Judas, like Bella.

I hate sitting outside offices, waiting. It brings back memories of waiting outside the headmistress’ office, two days after the party.

It was a nightmare.

As if being ignored after the first time I’d had sex wasn’t bad enough, I’d gone to a local chemist to get the morning-after pill during late afternoon break. I’d tried to convince myself – at first – that it would all be OK. But as the hours passed, and the thought that a real baby could be growing inside me filled me with such dread, I knew I had to take action. I couldn’t take the risk of going to the school matron; I just couldn’t face the questions, the interrogation, the shame. But I made a mistake. A really stupid one. I can only think that I was so upset, so hurt, that I really wasn’t thinking straight, because I left the box in the bin in our dorm. Of course it was spotted – and, inevitably, by Bella. It didn’t take her long to eliminate her ‘suspects’ and narrow it down to me.

I denied it to the headmistress, I denied it to them all. But it didn’t work. And then, if I thought it had been bad before, I quickly realized that I’d been wrong. Bad news travels fast. Cruel gossip about someone else, even faster. I tried to blank it all out, to ignore it. The names, the sniggers, the cruel notes put in my desk, the pictures of women who’d been body-shamed in magazines cut out with my face stuck on. I kept reminding myself that I’d lasted this long, managed the loneliness for years, it wasn’t for much longer. But it was tough. One day I cracked and screamed at them all to leave me alone.

At the time, I felt proud for standing up for myself. But it was short-lived, as I could not win against someone like Bella. Girls like her get to make decisions about girls like me. Who our friends are or aren’t, who will or won’t speak to us, and even how teachers view us. And I was getting more and more sick of it. But what was even harder to admit was that, still, no matter what, all Bella would ever have to do was say the word and I would, of course, have been so pathetically grateful.

I’d have forgiven Bella anything to be a part of her world. Anything.

In the meantime, my options were limited. I wanted to speak to the House Mother about it, but every time I waited outside her door, I couldn’t summon up the courage to knock. I feared she’d take Bella’s side or dismiss my worries with her standard phrase in response to most things: ‘Have a good sleep. I’m sure things will be better in the morning.’