The Man I Love (The Fish Tales, #1)(44)

“—but you can’t… I do understand.”

“You don’t,” James said, his eyes flaring. “You’re a baby, Fish. Yeah, your old man left, but so what? You grew up loved. You had a solid foundation to walk on. Now you live a f*cking fairytale with Daisy and you tell me you understand? You never got beat up and abused for loving who you loved. You never got chewed up and spit out. You never had your heart broken. Wait until you lose Daisy one day then you come tell me you understand, all right?”

Erik kept his face neutral. He closed his heart and his pores, letting James’s words bead up on him but not penetrate. James was angry and ranting. Erik was a convenient target.

“I’m sorry,” James said, rubbing his forehead. “I’m sorry, I just…”

“It’s all right. You’re hurting. I know I don’t understand completely but I know what you’re feeling is real.”

James took a few more drags, exhaling raggedly. Tears tracked down his face and he made no move to wipe them away. “Thanks for coming outside.”

“No problem.”

“I always liked you, Fish. You don’t pretend to be something you’re not.”

“You think Will is pretending?”

“Don’t you?”

Erik shook his head. “He loves who he loves.”

James looked at him, squinting through smoke. “I think you’re the only man he loves.”

“Well, I don’t know about that.”

“I do. You’re good, Fish. I know you’re pissed at me for letting Daisy get hurt and I don’t blame you. You had no reason to come out here but you did. You’re one of the most decent human beings I’ve ever met. And forgive me for saying this, but your old man’s an * and he doesn’t deserve you for a son anyway.”

Now Erik’s eyebrows flew up in surprise. “Damn, James. Heavy shit.”

“Well, it’s true shit.” James stubbed out his cigarette beneath the toe of his boot. He reached behind his head and drew out the ball chain with his sister’s dog tags. Erik could see his hands trembling. It took him a minute but he slid off the flattened penny and held it out to Erik. “I want you to have this.”

“No.”

“Take it.”

“This is yours, James. It’s your… No.”

“Please. You gave me the best of you tonight. This is the best of me.”

Catering to the moment, Erik took the shining copper oblong and put it in the pocket of his sweatpants. He wouldn’t keep it but he’d accept the gesture tonight. Hold it a few days and then return it once James realized the foolish drama of it. He’d keep the sentiment, not the token.

“I feel better knowing I’ll be in your pocket,” James said. “And I don’t mean that in a gay way.”

Erik smiled. From inside he heard the whistle of the teakettle. “You want a drink?”

“No.”

“Need a lift back to campus?”

“No, no. I’ve already bothered you enough. I’ll go away now.”

James stood up and Erik did likewise, stubbing out his own cigarette.

“Thanks, Fish.” James held out a formal hand and Erik shook it.

“You’re safe?”

“I’m good. Sorry to trouble you. All of you.”

“Well, you got to see Lucky naked. Night’s not a total loss.”

James chuckled. And with a wave he loped down the porch steps and out through the hedge.

Erik shut off the burner, locked the kitchen door, killed the porch light and went upstairs. He brushed his teeth and got into Daisy’s bed. She rolled up against his back, curling an arm around him, pressing her palm flat to his heart.

“All right?” she whispered drowsily.

“All right,” he said. “Go to sleep.”

“You’re so good. I love you.”

“I love you.”

And I am good.

He reached in his pocket and closed his fingers around the penny. He almost drew it out to put on the bedside table. But then he left it where it was and soon fell asleep.

The next morning, April 9, James was found unconscious on the bathroom floor of his dorm. In his hand was an empty bottle of prescription codeine belonging to his roommate. He was rushed to University Medical Center and survived the overdose. Then he was taken home to Greensburg.

It was ten days before Erik saw him again.





The Man I Love


The conservatory was reeling in the wake of James’s suicide attempt. Rumors layered on top of nervous intrigue, piling up in Mallory Hall like poor scaffolding. Erik kept his ear peeled to the whispers, but in all the talk of James, he did not hear anyone mentioning Will’s name. Not romantically anyway. People guessed James had snapped after losing his spot in the concert and losing his role to Will. A few went a little deeper and pointed out it was no secret James was crushy on Will and it had made the atmosphere of Powaqqatsi rehearsals tense. But nowhere was there even a whiff of innuendo the attraction was mutual. Nobody hinted anything had happened.

Between Erik and Daisy, Will and Lucky, and even David, a single look was exchanged. A complicit agreement.

“Entre f*cking nous,” David said through his teeth.